Whether you know it or not, your relationship with others is influenced by something called Attachment Styles. The style in which we attached to others can cause us great joy, or great pain. Last week I spoke about what Attachment Styles are, and touched briefly on the 4 main styles. Today I am going more into Secure Attachment. Secure attachment style is the gold standard for healthy relationships. People with a secure attachment style tend to have high levels of self-esteem, emotional regulation, and communication skills, which makes them great partners and friends. They are able to express their needs and emotions openly and honestly, while also respecting the needs and boundaries of others. This creates a dynamic where both people feel valued, respected, and loved for who they are. If you're lucky enough to have a secure attachment style, cherish it and nurture it. If you're working on cultivating a secure attachment style, know that it's possible with self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to grow. Although this is something I learned when I was studying to be a therapist, I have had 2 main mentors who have really helped me to understand this and how it plays out in our lives; Georgia Rose and Chantelle Raven. You can find out more about Georgia here on Facebook: www.facebook.com/georgiaroseevents and here on Instagram: @georgia_liberate And Chantelle here: embodiedawakeningacademy.com/ Here also are 2 different questionnaires on attachment styles for you to find out which dominant style you are: https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/ https://traumasolutions.com/attachment-styles-quiz/
Whether you know it or not, your relationship with others is influenced by something called Attachment Styles. The style in which we attached to others can cause us great joy, or great pain. Last week I spoke about what Attachment Styles are, and touched briefly on the 4 main styles. Today I am going more into Secure Attachment.
Secure attachment style is the gold standard for healthy relationships. People with a secure attachment style tend to have high levels of self-esteem, emotional regulation, and communication skills, which makes them great partners and friends. They are able to express their needs and emotions openly and honestly, while also respecting the needs and boundaries of others. This creates a dynamic where both people feel valued, respected, and loved for who they are. If you're lucky enough to have a secure attachment style, cherish it and nurture it. If you're working on cultivating a secure attachment style, know that it's possible with self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to grow.
Although this is something I learned when I was studying to be a therapist, I have had 2 main mentors who have really helped me to understand this and how it plays out in our lives; Georgia Rose and Chantelle Raven. You can find out more about Georgia here on Facebook: www.facebook.com/georgiaroseevents
and here on Instagram: @georgia_liberate
And Chantelle here: embodiedawakeningacademy.com/
Here also are 2 different questionnaires on attachment styles for you to find out which dominant style you are: https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/
https://traumasolutions.com/attachment-styles-quiz/
You can connect with me on:
Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/livingthroughheart)
Instagram (@livingthroughheart)
Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/@livingthroughheart/)
LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/donnajoyusher)
Welcome to the Living Through Heart Podcast.
I'm Donna Joy Usher. And I'm an analytical hypnotherapist, a psychotherapist, a spiritual healer, a magnetic mind coach and a multi award winning best selling author. I believe that everybody is capable of creating whatever they want, if they can just get out of the beliefs and stories in their head. This podcast is an audio blog of my thoughts as I go on a journey to heal my soul, surrender into my feminine power, and to live from the present moment in heart. I hope you find it amusing, interesting, thought provoking, touching, raw and inspiring.
Hello, welcome to this 29th episode of Living Through Heart.
So today, I'm going to talk about attachment styles. Basically, this is the second in a series of five podcast episodes about attachment styles. So if you haven't listened to the last episode, that's kind of what I went through what were attachment styles, how did they form, and kind of just talked a little bit about the four main attachment styles.
So we're here to talk about secure attachment today, which is really what we want, we want to able to have secure attachment in relationships.
So just going to very briefly recap on what are attachment styles, what is attachment theory.
So basically, attachment style is the way we form emotional bonds with others, and how connected, safe, harmonious and secure that we feel with people. And there are the four main attachment styles that I'm going to be going through.
So today we're talking about secure. Next week, I'm going to talk about anxious. The episode after that we're gonna be talking about avoidant and then we're gonna talk be talking about disorganized attachment style, and how they all formed and what they are and basically looking at ways to heal through each of them.
So what attachment style happens is when a child is very small a baby. Basically, it's how well the child's needs are met as to how safe and secure they feel, as to what forms attachment style. So basically, a baby has a need, it lets the need be known as in that it has a need by an arousal by crying or bristling or maybe moving then it has that need met by the caregiver. And then it develops trust. There's this circle of trust that develops and it's how well is this circle of trust upheld by the caregiver, as to what sort of attachment style is formed. And it's very complex, obviously. And what I'm going through is kind of like very generalized, just to give you an idea of it. And there are obviously books and stuff out there about this. It was it was developed back in the 1950s by a psychologist called John Bowlby. So there are books and stuff that you can get into that are going to go into a lot more depth that I'm going to go into with you on this podcast.
But it's very interesting, because attachment styles are within all of our relationships, whether it's our intimate partners, whether or not it's our siblings, we're not our parents, just people that we know. And we can be within different attachment styles with different people.
So for instance, because I have a secure attachment style with my mother, I very easily form secure attachment styles with women. But I used to be more of an anxious attacher with men, which has been a part of my healing journey, sort of discovering that and working through that to get to a point where I'm more in a secure attachment style than I was.
So today we're going to go in to secure attachment. Secure attachment is a very healthy form of attachment. And this is formed when with that circle of trust, that arousal, when that arousal when the child is making their need known, and then the needs being fulfilled, when that is happening - And it only has to happen 38% of the time for the child to be able to be in trust and secure trust.
Now sometimes what can be happening to which is that the caregiver is there trying to meet the child's need, and maybe they're not getting it right the first time. But the fact that they are trying is enough to sort of have the child know that their needs are important. This is really like how important am I? How important are my needs? You know, when I cry, does somebody come? Does somebody come to see what's wrong with me? Does somebody, you know, try and make me warm? Does somebody bring me food? Does somebody cry my tears? You know, am I safe? And this all comes back to safety.
So security is when this circle of trust is met at least 38% of the time. 37% of time, I think is actually the number. And then they can form a secure attachment.
Now, this can be very dynamic. So for instance, you might form secure attachment with one parent but not the other. You might have secure attachments with a particular sibling but not with others. So as I said, it's all very dynamic within this.
So secure attachment. If we were thinking about how, within a relationship how this plays out, basically, it's people who feel relaxed and they feel safe and they easily can form friendships and relationships.
From the nervous system point of view, they probably more in parasympathetic nervous system where they're kind of relaxed and safe and secure, within you know, within life in general because they have a feeling of safety, and they feel worthy because their needs were met, they feel safe, with love and closeness in relationship. And they prioritize relationships and invest, but also invest energy into their own interests.
So secure attachment is kind of like people who can flow in and out, they're fine by themselves, but they're also fine with other people. They still have needs for freedom. So the avoidant is someone who needs to be free all the time, and if it doesn't, it feels trapped.
So somebody's insecure relationship can still need time apart, can still need that time of freedom. But then they can come into relationship and be in secure relationship. But they're not being overly anxious or overly needy within that relationship, like an anxious attacher.
So they have interdependent relationships, right, where both people can lean on each other, but also take care of themselves. And this, for me was a big thing. When I came out of my marriage breakup, and I went into this, by the time I left I was in an avoidant pattern because I was like, I was in a lot of pain, and I had was, you know, was trying to stop that pain. So become avoidant. I wasn't putting myself back in there so much. So I was feeling very avoidant, when I left my relationship. And for a couple of years, I was making sure that I wasn't putting myself out there at all.
And I was like, healing, and I was working on myself and healing. And I had come to a belief that I had to be okay by myself, that I didn't need a relationship. And I finally got to a point where I realized, well, actually, that's not true. Human beings are community people, we need community, we need connection, we need intimacy, it's a part of our makeup. And that's okay.
Like I had this belief that I thought wanting a relationship a relationship was a weakness. And for me, coming into attachment styles, probably about six months ago, when I had an avoidant attachment, or sorry, I had an anxious attachment within myself really badly triggered up. And that's like, what, what the hell is going on here. And what set me off on my journey of into attachment styles and healing. I had to get to the point where I was able to first acknowledge that it was okay to want a relationship, to want a healthy relationship, but not to need it, right? And that wasn't a weakness.
So people who are in a secure attachment can come in and out of relationship. They feel safe being with people, but they also feel safe being apart. So they feel safe with love and closeness. Mutual trust is important and expected. But they also know that when you're in relationship, it's okay to and it's safe to allow other people to do things for you.
So anxious people always have this weird feeling where we need to do more than other people are doing for us, because we're always trying to prove out worthwhile and our worthiness and that we need to be, you know, be doing stuff to be lovable, right? So secure people, they're okay without people doing stuff for them. But then they'll also do stuff for other people. But it's this mutual flow. It's not like this tally that's kept, right? So with avoidant people, with anxious people, it's like we have this tally board, where we have to make sure that we're doing at least 51% of the work with their relationship, otherwise, we have this fear of losing it.
So yeah, secure attachment doesn't have the tally board, though they feel safe. And they, they're able to allow people to do stuff for them. And they're also able to do stuff for other people.
So how they feel about themselves, right, people who are able to come into secure attachment, they feel that they're loved, and they're lovable. And they can be really honest, and authentic within relationship. They have confident, secure and a worthy sense of self, because they trust, right, they, they they feel safe, and they have a trust. And this allows them to feel independent, autonomous and to enjoy solitude in appropriate situations, right, and they have really healthy self esteem. And they know that their needs can be met.
Now, within this, obviously, if you go into a relationship with somebody who's an avoidant as a secure attachment, then maybe your needs aren't going to be met within that. But you know that your needs can be met. So you don't stay in a relationship with someone where your needs aren't getting met, because that's going to like you know, feel very inauthentic to you and you know that your needs can be met. So you will take yourself away from a relationship like that.
And the thing was secure attachers is that they don't end up staying in relationships because they're scared of being alone, or because they think that that's all they can get or the best they're going to get right.
And they don't accept crumbs, so people who are anxious attachers accept crumbs. And we turn them into gold, right. So basically, we store up these little compliments that get given to us, all these little nice things that get given to us when the other person is feeling very generous. And then we take them out and we hold them close to our heart. And we remember those things. And that makes us feel good about ourselves. And it's almost like I see, when I was doing this, I feel it like, it's like a squirrel with acorns where we harbor at them, and we hold on to them.
And it's almost like where, when something good happens, it's like we're trapped inside as well, which is really unhealthy, right, it's like processing pain, we should be allowed to let it move through us. And also good things should come and go, we shouldn't be holding on to stuff. But when you're an anxious attacher, you accept crumbs, and you turn them into gold.
So secure attacher is not going to settle for crumbs, because they're okay by themselves. And they know that like when something like that happens, it just feels really bad. And they're going to just take themselves away from a situation like that.
So secure attachers are not so much attracted to anxious or avoidant as anxious and avoidants are. So anxious are attracted to avoidance and avoidance are attracted to anxious. Secure attacher, the energy that they're going to welcome into the light is going to be another secure attacher. Because that's going to feel very open and very free. They're not going to have someone, they're not going to feel the neediness and the grasping of the anxious attachment. If they do, it's not going to feel good for them like for an avoidant they would feel okay.
So how do secure attachments communicate? So they tend to be very present and they're able to share very authentically, and they listen to others, they can be very active listeners. And this is once again, because they they feel very safe, so able to just be there, they're able to listen without making it mean something about themselves.
And they can share what's going on for them with emotional awareness. They can ask for what they need, and they're open to having their needs met.
So anxious attachers feel bad asking to have their needs met, for what they need. Well, one, they they're scared that if they ask for what they need, then they either won't get it, and the pain from that right? It's like amplifying their lack of self worth, their low self esteem. Or they fear that if they feel that if they do ask for what they need, then the other person is going to leave. So they don't feel safe asking for it.
So secure attachers can ask for what they need and are open to having their needs met, they can actually accept it, they can accept having their needs met, they can accept being loved, right, because they love themselves basically. They can empathize with others and attune to others needs and are happy to meet them when possible and appropriate. But they also have boundaries.
So secure attaches have very healthy boundaries, which can flow. I'm gonna go into that next. They can also share personal information appropriately with those they trust, but they also don't overshare right, like an anxious will overshare and avoid and will under share.
So boundaries. So secure attaches have very fluid flexible boundaries that are based on a moment to moment, their interaction, their mood, the environment and the circumstance. So they can change. They can change from a yes to a no and a no to a yes. And that's fine. They can just do whatever they feel like. Anxious attachers tend to not have boundaries, avoidant attaches think they have strong boundaries, but what they actually have are walls in place to stop themselves from connecting emotionally with others.
So a secure attacher can set healthy boundaries, and they see this as being self respectful to themselves, so they don't do things that they don't want to do, just to make other people happy. They really don't want to say do something when they're happy saying no. And that so they're okay with a setting these boundaries.
So when it comes into intimate relationships, secure attachments, they can be connected, intimate, fun, they're able to give and receive pleasure, and then they're playful. And both their heart and their sex centers are open and connective. So emotional intimacy is really an important part of sexual connection for a secure attachment. And if they're not getting that, so if they did sort of start to date and avoidant and they're not getting that intimacy, then that's going to be a real problem for a secure attacher.
So they have a key belief that it's safe to be loved. And I'm lovable, and it's safe and acceptable to be me. And I can rely on my friends, my partner to be there because of that sense of safety that they have.
So you're starting to see how this child belief system is set up because of this circle of trust, how this impacts us still as adults right? And we think we think that this is real, we just think that this is the way the world is because it's our foundational belief systems that were set up still run our unconscious mind.
So that's a secure attacher, okay. Secure attachment is really the goal of being in relationship with people, of being able to have this ease and this flow of our boundaries, of not feeling like we have to please people or feeling like we can say no if we don't want to do something. "I'm not accepting crumbs", not putting up with someone who like an an avoidant, who will be hot and cold with you, you know? A secure attacher is happier by themselves than with that.
So they're not going to go into something where they're either their needs are not being met, or they might be made to feel like they're high maintenance and that's something that really happens when you're with an avoidant is they, they make out and it's like, you know, it's like how gaslighting thing as well, right when you're made out to believe that you're, you're high maintenance, because you have needs and you have once and all of a sudden, you're the problem because you have these needs and these wants and that they you you know, if you don't, if you're not secure attachment, if you're an anxious attacher, where part of you believes that your needs and your wants, can't be met anyway, then you stay in a relationship because this is a self fulfilling prophecy.
So our goal is to heal towards secure attachment. So over the next couple of weeks, I'm going to be going into more of the unhealthy attachment styles. So the anxious, the avoidant, and the disorganized, and talking about more about how you can heal these attachment styles.
But basically, when we get to the point of secure attachment, being close as easy. It's ideal, right? People remain together without consistently having to create separation. And they're able to have supportive, really well functioning relationships. There's a real ability to accept your partner's minor shortcomings and still being able to treat them with love and respect. You're able to have direct and open communication so you can share your successes, your disappointments, your needs, and your feelings. You don't take things personally when you're in secure attachment because you realize that things aren't about yourself. And because you do have a healthy self esteem and a real self love.
You don't take everything personally and people who aren't in secure attachment can take things personally that actually have nothing to do with them. When somebody says something about themselves, the other person can flip it and make it personal and take it personally. Someone who is in secure attachment is able to de escalate conflict, so they can hold space, they can listen, they can forgive, and they can actually, there's an ability to repair. So they can apologize when they realize that something has happened where they have perhaps done something that was hurtful to somebody else. They can actually come in and apologize and have this repair and then not flip it to make it mean something about that other person. So there's a willingness to repair with someone who's secure attachment.
And secure attachers realize that their partner is not their savior and they're also not their enemy. So when someone is your savior or your enemy, there's a real push-pull dynamic that happens and especially between anxious and avoidant attachers who are attracted to each other and have these push-pull dynamics which are really unhealthy. So secure attaches don't do that.
When two secure attachers are in a relationship together, it's just really two mature adults meeting each other as whole beings. So when you're in secure attachment, you say yes, when you feel a genuine need of your partners that you can accommodate. And you say no, when fulfilling your partner's particular need would be detrimental to your physical, spiritual, emotional well being. And there is some play within there. Sometimes you will say yes to your partner, even if it's not something that you want, but because you can see that they really want it and you're happy giving it to them.
And sometimes you'll allow them to take, knowing that they like taking, but it's not because...
It's a choice, right? And it's a boundary choice each time. And it's not just because of need and neediness that you would do this. So instead you end up with relationships that are open, you know, they're honest, they're equal, right, they're interdependent, so it's not always has to, you know, do what tends to happen often with an anxious and an avoidant coupling is that it always ends up being what the avoidant wants. The anxious will bend, and bend and bend. And they will just keep on compromising just to keep the relationship, just to keep the other person happy. They have no boundaries, they flow in. They try and make everything as perfect as possible for this other person, who was taking, taking taking, and then making out that this anxious person is high maintenance when they do ask for something, which is crazy, right?
So within, you know, secure attachment, there's passion, there's authentic friendship, plus lots of chemistry, right? And what tends to happen within the anxious and the avoider is there's lots of chemistry as well. But that often then turns into this really toxic push-pull dynamics, whereas with secure attachers, you don't have that toxicity. And you can keep the chemistry because you're choosing each other and you're choosing to be together, you're choosing to love each other, you're choosing to see the divine within each other. And to not nitpick and short see each other's shortcomings, which is a big thing for the avoidant. The avoidant will always see their partner's shortcomings and will nitpick because it's a reason for them not to attach fully to that person.
Okay, so I hope that this has been maybe eye opening for you, just thinking, listening to this about secure attachers and obviously me feeding in the differences of the anxious and the avoidance as well during this. So I hope it's been informative and maybe educational for you.
So next podcast, I'm going to go more into anxious and obviously within that I'll be reflecting back on the difference between anxious and secure and avoidant as well but mainly talking about anxious and we're going to start to look at ways also that as an anxious attachment that you can start to heal that and start to move back towards secure attachment.
All right, thank you so much for listening to my podcast. As ever, I hope that you're having an amazing weekend. Please feel free to reach out to me if you've got any questions or anything that's come up from listening to this.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast. To find out more about me and Living Through Heart, check out donnajoyusher.com and livingthroughheart.com. There you'll find links to everything you need, including some free tools to help you and ways you can work with me on your own soul healing journey.