So this week I have a funny story for you that looks at some things I have been moving through and how they have been showing up in my life...
So this week I have a funny story for you that looks at some things I have been moving through and how they have been showing up in my life...
ย
You can connect with me on:
Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/livingthroughheart)
Instagram (@livingthroughheart)
Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/@livingthroughheart/)
LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/donnajoyusher) ย
https://traumasolutions.com/attachment-styles-quiz/
Welcome to the Living through Heart Podcast. I'm Donna Joy Usher. And I'm an analytical hypnotherapist, a ย psychotherapist, a spiritual healer, a magnetic mind coach, and a multi award winning best selling author. ย
ย
I believe that everybody is capable of creating whatever they want, if they can just get out of the beliefs and stories in their head. This podcast is an audio blog of my thoughts as I go on a journey to heal my soul, surrender into my feminine power, and to live from the present moment in heart. I hope you find it amusing, interesting, thought provoking, touching, raw and inspiring. ย
ย
Hello, It's Donna Joy Usher. And welcome to this 33rd episode of my podcast, Living through Heart. And today, I want to tell you a story. ย
ย
So I'm just going to talk freely about my life. So I hope that you find that interesting. And this is kind of like, some deep stuff here, some emotional stuff here. I'm not promising I won't cry at some times. And there's some black comedy here as well for you. So I hope that you find that interesting. ย
ย
So I'm calling this, "When Shadow Bites". Because, well, it'll become apparent why I call that through this story. ย
ย
So I've been doing this course with Georgia Rose, who is one of my beautiful mentors over here in Perth and the tantric space. And she's a somatic embodiment worker, as well as a Tantra practitioner. And I've been doing this course called Securing lLove. And basically, it's a nine week course and it's in person, which has been really lovely. And we've been going through a lot of stuff, a lot of different types of woundings, and boundaries and shadow and needs and wants. And yeah, all the different attachment styles and things like that, and learning lots of different things about ourselves and going through processes. And you know, just getting more healing and learning how to regulate and learning how to love, right? Love ourselves. Because until you love yourself fully and unconditionally, you can't either love somebody else, fully and unconditionally or accept love fully and unconditionally. ย
ย
And some people might think that they can love other people if they don't love themselves. But when we actually get out of microscope and analyze what's going on, really, it's not pure, unconditional love. There is definitely a grasping and an eating that's going on there. If you don't love yourself, then you need to get love from other people. So it's more of a narcissistic kind of love than a pure love. But that's just the truth of the matter. ย
ย
So where am I going with? Oh, yes, when shadow bites. ย
ย
So the last couple of weeks, we've been talking about shadow, and I will talk about shadow more in other podcasts. ย
ย
And basically, Shadow Work is really what I do as an analytical hypnotherapist, and what shadow is just very briefly is all the parts of ourselves that we have pushed down into the unconscious mind that we don't admit are there. ย
ย
So we have our true essence, our true essential nature, of who we actually are as a soul, when we're born into this world. And then as soon as we land. And we're conceived, we start to receive information. And we start to make it mean stuff about ourselves. And we start to learn how to keep ourselves safe in the world. And we create these rules and these layers and these masks and we learn how to show up in the world in such a way to stay safe. ย
ย
And there's parts of ourselves that we learn are not acceptable, or that it's not safe to show up with or were punished for having or were just taught or just not, right. So for instance, someone who was brought up in a very highly religious family will be taught may be taught or to be that they have to be pure, and they have to be good and they can't sin and they can't have sex before marriage and, and all this stuff. ย
ย
So there's all these parts of them that they're not allowed to engage with. They're not allowed to accept as being them. And they're the bad parts, right?
ย
Whereas somebody who's brought out maybe in a different household might be exposed to totally different things that's right and wrong. You might have people kids that are brought into a household where, you know, maybe they had a parent that was very sick for a long period of time. And when they went on to make noise now punished whenever they're laughing. And they were taught, you know, that the part of them that was joy was pushed down to the unconscious and the knowledge to touch into their joy. ย
ย
So it's not always... people always think that their shadow was their bad stuff, that it's just their anger. And it's just, you know, their shame and their guilt and all this stuff. But it's not. It's just any part of us that we're not admitting. So sometimes it can be our own beauty. Sometimes it can be our wisdom, sometimes it can be how intelligent we are. ย
ย
Sometimes it can be how generous we are. Sometimes it can be our joy, these things can be stuffed down to our unconscious and become part of our shadow. And it's called the shadow because it's hiding in the shadow right? It's not up there in the front. And sometimes these parts of us that are good, that are hidden in the shadows are called golden shadow. ย
ย
And the reason I said good in that way is because you know that still, when we're talking about it like that, we're talking about it through a world of duality where there is good and bad but the truth is that all of us is perfect. All of us is welcome. There is no good or bad parts. And even if you are highly religious and you read the Bible, there are parts in the Bible where Jesus was on in a righteous, enraged anger, and that was acceptable. Okay?
ย
So just maybe starting to think outside the box there a little bit with duality and good and bad and black and white and things like that there. ย
ย
But anyway, that's what shadow is, right? ย
ย
So we did shadow one week. And then the next week, we covered wants and needs. And for me, this was particularly interesting, because one of the things I've been struggling with recently is, as I have been coming back into my power and discovering lots of stuff about myself and putting boundaries in places, what am I allowed to ask for from somebody else? What is it okay to need?
ย
And I used to think when I came out of my long term marriage and relationship that I had to be totally self sufficient, I had to be able to totally self regulate, I couldn't be dependent on anybody else. And that if I did, there was a weakness, okay. ย
ย
And that's something that I'm starting to look at as not being true, and that it is okay, to have wants and needs from other people. As long as it's not you needing them to fix you, or you're needing them to make your discomfort go away. You know, that's something that you're responsible for yourself. And if it's not just that you're needing them to love you, and to make you feel lovable, and there are things that we, we need to be definitely giving ourselves that we shouldn't be just seeking from other people all the time, even though sometimes it's okay to ask for it from other people. Okay. ย
ย
So I've been really like struggling with the wall, what am I allowed to ask for? What am I allowed to need, because, you know, through all of my relationships, my whole life with men, my wants and needs have either been unimportant, ignored, totally squashed, or only allowed if they were in alignment with the other person's wants and needs as well. And then they were welcome. ย
ย
So I've really learned that I don't... that I'm not important and my needs and wants unimportant. And even if I say that, I feel my heart chakra pain in there when I when I talk into that. And so now I'm sort of like, well, what is okay, and then what is too much to want to need and what is okay to ask for? And what is too much? So I'm kind of playing with his dance, right? ย
ย
Anyway, so last night, I was asleep in bed, and I woke up. A pain in my knee woke me up. And it was really weird because as I was waking up, I was coming out of a dream where I had grazed my knee sort of, I don't know, I can't remember fell over or whatever, but I grazed my knee in my dream, and my knee was on fire. When I woke up, my knee was on fire. That was so weird. And I hopped up, you know, went to the toilet. And I came back, and I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, I was looking at and it was really red, like this really big patch of redness on my knee. I'm like, did I graze it? Did I do something yesterday?
ย
And I must admit, I'm so busy at the moment. I'm doing five different courses. I'm checking out as a supervisor, just on my teacher training. I'm doing the secure and love course I'm just about to start... did actually this weekend coaching on a one year long spiritual healing practitioners training. And I'm doing my Tantra practitioner training. Right. So I'm pretty busy at the moment. So it is possible that I could have forgotten that it actually hurt myself. Because at the time, I just didn't deem it was important because I didn't have time to feel the pain, right? So I'm like, Did I do it in yoga to like, did i graze my knee in yoga? I'm like, no, this is stupid. You know what, I didn't do anything. ย
ย
And now it's like, oh, maybe I've burnt it because I had a hot water bottle in bed. Maybe I've rolled over and had my knee on the hot water bottle and it's burned my knee. So then I'm feeling the whole water bottle. But there's no areas because it's got a cover on it, right? There's no areas there where it could have been burnt on like, it's so weird. So I'd like you to go the toilet again. So I get up to go the toilet. And as I hop up some walking into the bathroom, my legs just go. Like, you know, I didn't quite collapse with that, just this whoop, go out from underneath me. And then I got really cold and I started shaking. And I'm like, what's going on? So I'm sitting on the edge of the toilet seat thinking, oh my god, what is going on here and I've got my head between my knees and then the noises coming up. I think I'm gonna throw up and then I tweak. And I'm like, I've been bitten by something. This thing on my knee. I've actually been bitten. I mean, I never found it right. I've actually washing all my because I've got a lot of beautiful fur rugs that I have on my bed.
ย
And it's possible that a spider was in them, but I didn't find anything in my bed. I've been through my sheets a few times. But I'm washing these rugs at the moment because it could easily be hiding amongst the pouch there. And because my dog sleeps on the bed with me, it's possible. We do our light night walks that they've bought a spider home with them, right? Anyway. So I'm like, Oh my God, I've been bitten by something and I'm looking at it and I'm like, yeah, okay, that's a bite mark. ย
ย
And then I'm like, well, I'm all alone in my apartment. It's really hard to get into because there's security on the front door. I've got like a keypad on my own door. And it's not a door that I can unlock and leave unlocked. And I've got my head between my knees and I'm thinking, Am I going to pass out? And well, one part of me is just thinking, Am I going to pass out? And the other part of me is thinking, am I going to die? Right? And maybe I should call for help now. ย
ย
So, here I am. Part of me is like wanting to call for help. And the other part of me is not. Now this is where the shadow comes in. Right? Because Interestingly enough, this week, I had a trigger come up. So I had a trigger come up, that was to do with a girl that I was observing. And of course, she was in a video. And I was getting annoyed and angry and resentful, and just finding myself not liking her. And I was observing it when it was happening, right and going, this is really interesting. What's going on here. Why am I taking this instant dislike to this really lovely girl, right? And it was because she was like, really pretty. And she had this accent, and she was cute. And she was little, and she was everything that I'm not. ย
ย
Like, I'm strong. I'm tall, and well built. I'm not the sort of girl that a guy sweeps up into their arms and runs off down the beach with because they probably like throw their back out quite, you know, quite frankly, not that I'm not obese or anything like that. But I'm, I'm just like five foot eight and, and strong and muscley, right? ย
ย
ANd I've never been that girl that can flirt. I used to watch these girls flirt with guys, when I was in high school and even like older as an adult. And I just used to think, God, if that's what I need to do to get the attention of a guy, it's just not going to happen, because it's just not me. ย
ย
Anyway, so I was watching this guy, and I was listening to her story. And her story was that she was seeking therapy because she'd had two breakups in the previous month. And I'm like two breakup? Two? Haven't had anyone else with my phone number in like the two and a bit years since I left my husband, and here she is, oh, boohoo, poor thing. She's had like two breakups in one month. And this is what she's seeking therapy for. because of the pain from that. ย
ย
Now, I do feel for her compassionately, but my shadow was triggered. And this is what happens with shadow. When we push it down and we stuff it down and we ignore it, it gets triggered up and often when somebody is annoying you, when somebody is triggering you, and you don't know why, it's your shadow. And it's the part of you that you're resisting, that you're seeing in them that is unconsciously reminding you of yourself. That you're reacting to. ย
ย
That's not always, sometimes a trigger is that someone is crossing your boundaries. And sometimes the trigger is that they're reminding you of somebody else that you don't like, right? But quite often a trigger is us projecting our own shit onto somebody else. And this is... I could see it, I'm serving her. And part of me, like I was acting out of my head, like the part that of me that was repressed and that was down and it was that helpless little girl. And you know that all... "oh, I need the white knight" and all this stuff was going on in my head, right? ย
ย
And I am like furiously angry and resentful. Because I'm like, Oh, these men who just want to be these white knights? And what these cute little pretty helpless females, and I'm not one of them. And what does that mean? Does that mean I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life? And this is what's going on the back of my head, right? ย
ย
So I've been sitting with that this week and observing it, allowing it and I must admit, I haven't gone into full process on it yet. I really should. Because it's obviously still there when I'm talking about the anger. And I know. Look, I know, don't get me wrong, you don't need to save me. I know that the sort of guy who needs to be a white knight to some little helpless female is not the right guy for me anyway, right? I know that I need a man who can hold space for me, in stillness, silence, right can be present for me. And just observe what is within me that shows up and love me no matter what, right and actually can just be there for me. And for who I am, as I am, right? And I know that I need someone who's going to be very, very strong themselves, right? Because I'm a strong person. ย
ย
Anyway, that's beside the point. The point is that I've had this thing this shadow of being this helpless female come up in me. And there I am, sitting on the toilet with this shadow of the helpless female and also, what am I allowed? What's my needs? And what's my wants? And can I ask for help here? And the fear of dying and the fear of passing out and quite frankly, just being really scared. Like it was actually it was really scary sitting on the toilet, not knowing what's going on. But then also doubting myself, did I really get bitten by a spider? What's really going on here? ย
ย
You know, I managed to crawl back to the bedroom and I was like, flicking through my sheets trying to find it. So I had the proof and I had the information that would allow me to call for help. I'm talking about calling for an ambulance here. So it was like, for me that was a pretty big deal to do that. I didn't find any spot, it's right. But then the information of what my body was telling me was irrefutable, because it's going into collapse. And in the end, I had to ring triple zero. And I had to ask for help. And it really rankled because I was going into the shadow of the very thing that had been triggered up this week, ย of being this helpless victim and needing help. And also observing within myself, that it was the question of whether or not I was really dying, which was allowing me to ask for help and asking for what I needed. And then being upset with myself that it had to be a life or death situation, that allowed me to have a need, that allowed me to have a need met, right?
ย
And obviously, that's not true. But that for me, that's the truth, right? Where I only felt like I was able to need something and need help if it was a life or death situation, which, when you're looking at needs, needs are primitive things, and they are always to do with kind of like life-death, you know, health, security, stuff like that. Wants are things that we want, that'd be on that. It's kind of like they say, you know, the need creates fields, the cup and the want makes it overflow. ย
ย
So the ambulance turns up, and they were really quick. Kudos to them, they were really fast. They got here, probably within 10 minutes. By then I was dressed, downstairs and observing that the symptoms were not getting worse. They weren't really getting any better either. But they definitely weren't getting worse. So I had to come to the conclusion that I was not dying. And then I had to go down and let these two lovely ambulance officers into my apartment, managed to get down and back up the stairs and so embarrassed because here I am, I'd called for an ambulance. And then I managed to get down and let them in and bring them up. ย
ย
And then she's looking at my leg, right? I've explained to her what happened and the symptoms, and I knew that I was right to call for help, right? Because if it hadn't gone the other way. And...
ย
I had called for help at the time I did because I had to be coherent enough and I was starting to lose mental clarity probably more through fear than anything, right? And a bit of panic that was coming in. I needed to be able to give instructions on how to get in not just to my building but actually into my apartment. How to use the keypad to get in. So I had called before I was like non compass. ย
ย
So at that point, I wasn't 100% sure whether or not I was getting worse or not. And I hadn't gotten worse. I let them in and they came up and then I'm explaining to them what happened and why I called and I'm showing them my knee and she realized that this thing on my knee was a rash. Yeah, well we're not really an expert on rashes. ย
ย
Just like oh, and we're talking about how this chick called them out at two o'clock in the morning because she had a rash on her knee? In reality I thought I was dying. So they were really good, they check my vitals and even though I felt like I was gonna pass out somehow my blood pressure was still normal. My heart rate was still normal. My temperature was still normal even though I was freezing cold and shaking. All my vitals were normal, and then they offered to take me to hospital. I said no, that's fine. I think that we can all agree that if something bad was gonna happen from this it would have happened by now. And they were like yes, that's true. ย
ย
So they left and I went back to bed and it was actually pretty scary even then because I went back to bed I don't want to because I lay down and maybe it's because I let go and relaxed, it seems to get worse, the symptoms. And then I was having trouble breathing so I hopped up, do my asthma puff up, went back to bed and then what came up for me was something that I've been working through a lot lately and it was the... just the loneliness. ย
ย
Like that there I was, at my age, alone in my bed, still not 100% sure that I was 100% okay. I had my phone next to me just in case. I had my glasses next to me because I took my contact lenses out, so I could actually read my phone. So I was thinking like having to think through all these processes to to make sure I was safe, right? Like when I came downstairs and I thought maybe they can take me to a hospital. I had my my handbag with my phone charger and my book and I'm crawling around getting all this stuff together because there's no one else there to look after me.
ย
And then when I was up in the bed, I was once again trying to work out how to stay safe. So I had my phone there and I had my glasses there so that I didn't have to try and find it in the dark if I needed to call for help again. ย
ย
Anyway, after a while, and then the fear of death came up. So I moved through that. I realized. oh it was just more... I'd be really shitty if I died because I've done so much work in this life, and so much work on myself and I've got so much I want to do with and so many things that I want to create that I haven't created yet and it would have been really shitty if I had a died quite frankly and had to start all over again. ย
ย
Anyway, so wake up this morning, and my rash on my knee. is definitely a bite. I definitely did get bitten by something. I can tell because I Googled what spider bites look like. And it definitely matches up with what a spider bite looks like. ย
ย
So that is my story of when shadow bites. So a combination of my shadow being triggered up during the week, of like, of resenting what I perceived to be a helpless victim, female, and then turning into one, right? And this is often how healing works. Having to turn into one and then having my my wants and my needs and the confusion, analyzing what I am allowed. And then, and then being taken to the extreme of that and realizing that I really only felt that I could ask for help if I was dying. And then the fear and the loneliness. And the fear of... which was triggered up also within that the shadow stuff of the fear of never finding a mate who is able to hold me and who I can basically, and don't throw rocks at me when I say this, but who I can surrender to. ย
ย
Because it's not that I want to surrender and become a helpless female. But I want to be able to be with a man who can give me the security and the love and the trust that I can just let go. And that's the surrender, right? The letting go and the surrendering into the relationship, rather than always having to be looking out for yourself and looking after yourself within relationship, which is often quite happens when we come into relationship with our own woundings and we're expecting somebody else to heal them for us. ย
ย
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this episode of my podcast. It's me just talking about myself and my life and where I'm at right now. I'd love to hear from you. If you enjoyed it, you can email me at donna@donna joyusher.com And my websites are mentioned in the outro which is coming right now. ย
ย
I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Living through Heart Podcast. To find out more about me and Living through Heart, check out donnajoy usher.com and livingthroughheart.com. There you'll find links to everything you need, including some free tools to help you and ways you can work with me on your own soul healing journey.
ย