One of the hardest things to navigate in a relationship is that of wants and needs. What is it okay to ask for? When does having needs make us needy? What do we do if our wants and needs aren't met? Listen to this instalment of the Living Through Heart Podcast for all of this and more. (Big shout out to my mentor Georgia Rose who taught me that it was okay for me to have wants and needs. You can see more about her here: Facebook: www.facebook.com/georgiaroseevents and here on Instagram: @georgia_liberate)
One of the hardest things to navigate in a relationship is that of wants and needs. What is it okay to ask for? When does having needs make us needy? What do we do if our wants and needs aren't met?ย
Listen to this instalment of the Living Through Heart Podcast for all of this and more.ย
(Big shout out to my mentor Georgia Rose who taught me that it was okay for me to have wants and needs. You can see more about her here:ย
Facebook: www.facebook.com/georgiaroseevents
and here on Instagram: @georgia_liberate)
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You can connect with me on:
Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/livingthroughheart)
Instagram (@livingthroughheart)
Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/@livingthroughheart/)
LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/donnajoyusher)
Welcome to the Living through Heart Podcast. I'm Donna Joy Usher. And I'm an analytical hypnotherapist, a psychotherapist, a spiritual healer, a magnetic mind coach and a multi award winning best selling author. I believe that everybody is capable of creating whatever they want, if they can just get out of the beliefs and stories in their head. This podcast is an audio blog of my thoughts as I go on a journey to heal my soul, surrender into my feminine power, and to live from the present moment in heart. I hope you find it amusing, interesting, thought provoking, touching, raw, and inspiring.
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Hello, and welcome to this thirty fifth episode of the Living through Heart Podcast. I'm Donna joy, Usher. And today we're going to talk about needs and wants. And the reason I'm going to talk about needs and wants is because I want and I need to talk about them. ย
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Actually, I've been going through a lot of stuff recently, where I've realized that I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what I needed, I didn't know the difference between them. And I didn't know what it was okay to ask for, what is okay to want to need. And I realized that I had got to the point within relationship, not that I mean, at the moment, but moving forward if I was to go into one where I felt that I wasn't allowed to have needs and wants. And then if I had needs and wants, it was like, well, one, it wasn't allowed, or two, if I wanted to have them, then I wasn't going to be able to have the relationship. ย
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And that was really sad for me to realize that. But what I've learned since then I've been doing, working with Georgia Rose, and I've been learning about wants and needs. And I want to share this with you just in case you are also confused about wants or needs. ย
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So basically, we all have needs and being human is a part of having needs and also wants. So let's talk about actually what is the difference between needs and wants first. ย
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So for the purpose of this, we're defining needs as things that you actually need to stay alive. So things like you know, from food and shelter and water, to things like medical attention, and then moving back up the scale on to things like physical nurturing, emotional nurturing, education, spirituality, sex, financial resources, things like that. They're actually needs. ย
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And then wants are things that we want on top of that things that we want, that we probably couldn't live without, but we'd be nice to have. And we have small ones and big ones. So a small one might be ย
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"Oh, I really love that necklace, I want that necklace. And that necklace would bring me joy" versus a big want of "I want a beautiful relationship with a partner who was going to see me and prioritize me and who I'm going to be important to and who I can build a beautiful relationship with amazing communication, and supporting each other in secure attachment, and just loving each other". So that's a want, okay, a big one. ย
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So Alyssa Baron said that needs help us to fill our cup, whereas once or all the things that allow them to overflow. So there's a difference between needs and wants for the purpose of this discussion. ย
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So we all have needs to stay alive. And when we're when we're young, when we're small children, our needs, our dependency needs. So we're dependent on other people to give us our needs. You know, when we're a baby, when we're a toddler, even when we're getting older, we can't survive alone. So we have these dependency needs. And then our caregivers, teaches how to start to take care of ourself, and then we get independency needs. ย
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So these are the needs that we meet for ourselves. And then eventually we learn that when appropriate, we can meet other people's needs and have our needs met by other people. So it opens up to interdependence. So this reciprocal mutual meaning of each other's needs.
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Now, needs and wants are massively intertwined with attachment style stuff. So if you go back if you haven't already had a series of five podcast episodes, so I think from Episode 28, to 32, actually about attachment styles.
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And attachment styles, so insecure attachment styles basically form when our very basic... so some of our needs are not consistently met when we're children and then we develop this insecurity surrounding that so that's where attachment styles come from. So this is all intertwined through that. ย
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So basically, what we're talking about is the importance of having wants and needs and what it looks like in a healthy secure attachment and unhealthy relationship because a lot of especially with anxious attaches there's a real neediness involved and needing to be found, needing to be given consistent like you know, repetitive like validation and you know, being having spoken to and be continuously given affection or attention or having their love needs met continuously because basically there's a hole in their bucket, and then then you need bucket never gets to the point where it can overflow. And that's a neediness development, that's an unhealthy need. ย
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So this is what we're talking about here is how to have healthy needs and wants in healthy relationship with ourselves and with others. So we have dependent needs, independent needs, and then interdependent needs. ย
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So when our needs are met, which is basically what I was talking about, then so or when they're inconsistently met, and these, you know, needs that we need as children, it's not just about having food, having shelter, having a warmth, being kept physically safe. It's about emotionally being nurtured. So it's about closeness, connection, affection, touch, support, protection, safety, presence, love and care, you know, as well as you know, having someone understand us, having guidance, belonging, inclusion, acknowledgement, kindness, respect, compassion, forgiveness, you know, all these things, empathy, consistency. These are what lead into important emotional needs when we're children and you know, further on in life to as adults.
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And sometimes as children, we were shamed for having needs. So we may have been rejected, criticized, even punished, humiliated, right, and guilt tripped for having needs, and this leads to insecure attachment. So we develop wounds around our needs, and what we feel that we deserve. And sometimes we develop low self esteem or low self worth, because these needs are not being met. And we can feel guilt and a lot of shame, people have a lot of shame that they feel around having needs, and having wants, but especially when needs, you know, we're these needs that we need to survive, and you feel shame around having those needs. ย
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And then we may become needy. And we may become needless and want less. So we might, we might realize that our needs... it's not safe to have asked for needs. And so like the avoidant person becomes needless and wantless, where they put a wall up between them and the outside world and emotional and they keep themselves safe by giving themselves what they need.
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Sometimes we can become your anti dependent. So we're resistant to depending on anyone for anything, which is kind of like when I talked about in Episode 33, "When Shadow Bites", I was talking about how I realized I could only ask for help if I was dying. And so I had become anti dependent, resistant upon asking other people for stuff. Because basically, I had formed a belief that I needed to be able to give myself everything, I need to be strong enough, and you know, and I was in the soup of my own misery surrounding that. ย
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So we also become resistant to meeting other people's needs and to dismiss the needs for the importance of ย reciprocity. So if our needs aren't met, or where, you know, if we've been meeting somebody else's needs continuously to the point where we're drained, and then we learned that it's not safe to do that. And we often have difficulty receiving. So we're difficulty taking and accepting from other people, because we feel like we're not worthy. Or we might not trust that the other person's intention is for us. And we feel like we need to reciprocate, you know, we can't just have someone give us something or do something for us, we have to give back. It's almost like there's a tally score, where we might also expend a lot of energy on other people's parts and other people, giving them what they want or need, hoping that we will get what we want or need. And then we feel resentful when we don't have it. And that's a big, anxious attacher thing where we're all you know, running around, fulfilling everybody else's needs and wants and then, you know, waiting for someone else to fill our cup and feeling resentful, and then not asking for it right and expecting everybody else to read our minds. ย
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So we can confuse needs and wants as well. So, you know, for instance, if it's late at night, and you really need to get some sleep, but then you want to keep watching telly. So you end up doing what you want, which is keep watching telly and you don't get what you need, which is sleep. So we can confuse our needs and wants within that So we're not actually giving ourselves what we need to survive. ย
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And we might develop different strategies to get our needs met in manipulative or immature ways. So we can behave badly. So we can act out, do silent treatment, do passive aggressive or don't worry about it, you know, and we can start fights and arguments about it. And we can expect other people to mind read to prove how much they love us. And then when they don't and they can't mind read we get disappointed because it means that we're not important enough. We can become defensive about it. We can become full of self pity or self destruction, of self criticism. You can threaten to leave a relationship over it when you're not communicating really what you want or need or if you're being overly needy and actually asking for too much and then you know you get passive aggressive and threat to relieve a relationship over. You know, some people might be inclined to flirt with other people to create like a jealousy situation to try and get what they want or need out of their partner. There might be punishing behavior like withdrawing from affection and sex.
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Or we can overextend and people please, and hope that we'll get returned. So these are all immature and manipulative ways rather than just having good open communication. And I am going to in the next podcast episode, I'm going to talk about how to communicate your wants and needs. Because it's kind of like we have this fairy tale, that we're going to get into this amazing relationship. And this person is going to give us everything that we want and everything that we need, and they're going to read our mind. And I just, you know, felt like I wanted this and then it just appeared on a platter. And it's almost like, asking for something takes away from that romance. ย
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But the truth is that if you want a beautiful, secure, long term relationship, getting what you want a need, and you have to communicate, you have to go communication, and it goes both ways. And often within that want to not communicate, it's often because we're scared of what the other person is going to communicate to us. And we're scared that what we're going to hear is criticism, if we're not meeting their wants and needs, therefore, we won't ask for our wants and needs because if we ask for them, then maybe they'll ask for their wants and needs to communicate. And then it will actually show up a lack of ourselves. So there's this whole twisted thing going on here, where we want our wants and needs to be met without us asking for them, we resent when they're not. And then we feel somehow that if we have to actually communicate that it's means that that is not the right person for us, or it's not, you know, it's not the right relationship. When in reality, all relationship revolves around communication. ย
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I mean, people are not mind reader's. And even then, you know, sometimes what you say and what they hear well, there's what you think, there's what you say, there's what they hear us, and there's what they think they heard you said, right. There's their interpretation at both ends as well. So to be able to communicate really clearly and exactly what you want and how you want, it is so important for that other person to be able to meet your needs and wants. ย
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Now the problem comes, when we don't even know what we need, we don't even know what we want, because we were never allowed to have it right? And there's almost like this. I saw this video, once of this, I can't remember it was it was some sort of Gorilla or it was a chimpanzee actually, that had been in a cage, its whole life at a zoo and then had been rescued by a different zoo. And it was put in this really large enclosure, where it could roam free. And yet it had been taught this like limiting behavior of what it was allowed. And it just stayed in the one spot and just move sway from side to side, right. And this poor chimpanzee had learned that that's all it was allowed from when it was small, and therefore it wasn't free to roam and explore. ย
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So this can happen to us. It's like, they call it Learned Helplessness, where we have, in a way learn to be helpless when we're small, and therefore we don't move beyond that, we don't expand beyond, it's like we can't think bigger than what we learned when we were young. So sometimes, we don't even realize what it's possible for us to want to need. And that's what I've been doing for the past sort of year, opening up my expansion expanding and horizon, my horizon of what's possible, what is possible, what would I want, if I could have anything right and starting to envision a very different life to what I had in a very different life or what I thought I wanted? And what does my heart want? What does my soul want? What do I want, which is really freedom, right? I really want freedom. ย
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So, you know, it's really like opening yourself up to what you actually do want to need and the first thing in that is admitting that you have needs, and you know, having needs is normal, human healthy and essential. And admitting that we need love. I mean, maybe you already know that right? But admitting that it's huge. Like for me that only happened recently where I was talking to Charlotte, my girlfriend, one of my mentors about it, and she said, Donna, it's okay to want to be in relationship. It's human, you know, we're we're herd animals. We, you know, we're not meant to be by ourselves, we're not meant to be able to give ourselves everything that we want. And it's okay to want to have a partner or to be more in community, and to have wants and needs to be met by someone else. And it's okay to be loved, it's okay to want to be loved. And that was really huge for me. And I had felt like it was a weakness on my part to want that, to desire it. ย
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So for me to acknowledge to myself that I need to be loved and to be loved unconditionally, and for me and for who I am and for my thoughts and my opinions, my emotions, and the shape of me is really, really important to me. And before I was just taking whatever I can get. IT makes me sound like I've been through a series of relationships... I haven't. ย
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So but before I had been thinking I had to take what I want all I could get, and that was the energy, which I was putting into the who I was right not actually having a clear idea of what I wanted or needed, which is very, you know, when you have a clear idea of what you what you want need and what you're not willing to accept, then it changes everything. ย
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So really, the first thing you need to do is stop focusing on everyone else and start focusing on yourself. When I talk about that. I've already recorded the next episode on 37th episode. So next episode, a couple from now, which is on being important. And that's... on that, it talks a little bit about that, on stop focusing on yourself and stop focus... So start focusing on yourself, stop focusing on everybody else, right, stop focusing on what everybody else wants or needs, and start focusing on yourself. And looking at what you can meet yourself and what you can't. ย
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And a clue to this is what do you most often give to other people, because what you naturally give to other people is naturally what you most want, and you know, want more need to receive yourself. So that's a real clue them. Because sometimes we're not aware that it's our own need. That is like we're projecting onto other people and doing stuff to other people that we really wanted to have done for or to ourselves. ย
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And then by noticing what we complain about in others, as well, because often what we complain about and others criticize about in others, it's really just this shadow projection, right? And it's really what it's like, one of our deep, unmet needs going on there. So when you find yourself, you know, complaining or criticizing someone else, just stop and contemplate, and is there something deeper going on? Is there some thing you know, be really honest with yourself here. Is this something that you would love to have met yourself? And that you know, you're criticizing someone else because they're asking for it because you feel like you're not allowed to ask for it yourself. ย
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So one of the really good exercise to do is to sit down and actually really contemplate your needs. So what needs were consistently met by your caregivers, by your family? So what was it that you got. Was it were your needs that were met? Was it that you were given shelter, you were given comfort, you were given food, you were given education, you're given sports, you were given... You know, things like that, right? But then maybe your unmet needs were things like emotional connection, communication, unconditional love. ย
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So often we learn to meet what was met, and these needs tend to flow more easily for us, right. So and we feel it's okay, and normal and acceptable to want those needs to be met. So we might think it's okay, to want to have a roof over our head, it's okay to want financial security, it's okay to want food on the table, but it's not okay to want to be loved. It's not okay to want somebody just to sit and hold you. Because these were not needs that we got met when we were children. Therefore, it's not a part of our makeup, right. But on a deep level, we deeply desire this because it is actually a need that we have as a herd animal. And as a being that belongs, you know, in society. So have a real good think about what needs were consistently met, and what needs were not consistently met. ย
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Ad maybe make a list and have a look at it, and really feel into it. So often we feel unworthy for what was not met. And you know, and what was met is what we easily asked for. And then make a list of things that you readily generously and freely give to others. And have a think about it. Are these things that you actually longing for or need yourself? So the things that you give to others automatically, are these things that you're hoping someone will give to you? ย
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And then make a list of the things that make you feel loved or cared for. And these things will probably be linked to your relational needs. And then what things do you complain about? So what things do you expect or long for a wish you had, but it doesn't seem to happen. And then these things are close to your deeper needs. And these are probably the needs that were not met when you were a child and they might be commitment, effort, affection, desire, things like that. ย
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And then what do you actually want? So what do you long for, emotionally sexually, mentally creativily, you know, what do you actually want? So make a list of that. And then you've got a pretty good list of things of what actually might be your needs and your wants and then have a look at your life and see, are my needs being met? What of these needs can I actually meet myself, okay, because the goal here is not to become this bag of wants and needs that we just like throw at somebody else and go here, here's my needs and wants, fulfill me. ย
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Okay, so the goal here is to be able to be secure in relationship and secure with ourselves. So we need to be be able to be dependent on ourselves. And to meet a lot of these needs ourselves. So to be able to be independent ย in meeting these needs and wants ourselves, and then there are needs and wants that we take to our partners, our friends, our family, and maybe even then maybe it's something that we could fulfill ourselves. But you know what, it would be really lovely if somebody else could do it for us. ย
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So, you know, maybe I could give myself a beautiful massage with some oil and put some music on and light some candles, and I could get a beautiful oil and rub it into my own arms and my own legs. And that's, that's fine on one level, but I mean, how much more beautiful would it be if I could ask my partner to do that for me? And vice versa for them to be able to come to me and ask and it'd be a reciprocal thing. ย
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So yes, we need to be able to meet a large majority of our wants and needs ourself. And then it's like, well, what is it okay, like, how much can I take to my partner? And then there are once a needs that we can't meet. And then looking at them, or can I meet them? Or can I, and this is the dance, the dance and relationship, the dance within ourselves, the dance in attachment, and coming into secure attachment, where just where we're not wounded, we're not needing somebody else to make us feel a certain way, or what else about ourselves because of our past, and then if they don't fulfill that, like, there's this like pain that's attached to it, right? ย
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We need to be almost unattached when we ask for something, when we want something. Because maybe in that moment, they just don't want to give it to us. Maybe they don't feel like it. And we need to be able to be the same ourselves have our own boundaries. And if somebody asks something from us, we need to be able to say no, if we really aren't feeling it. So this is the dance between the needs and wants, and the boundaries and being in secure attachment. ย
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So how to get your needs met in relationship? So once you know what you need, how do you get your needs met? So a lot of people, as I said before, they do the opposite of what they should be doing right? And they act out and they get manipulative, and they get passive aggressive. And they say little things like, "oh, well, it'd be nice if he noticed this", or, "oh, can't you see that" or, you know, they might be manipulating, controlling, they might threaten to leave a relationship, they might withhold stuff within a relationship, there's a silence treatment, you know, trying to make their partner jealous, things like that. So these are all really, they're immature ways to try and get your needs and wants met. ย
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And they're often things that we've adopted, because at some point in time, they worked right, or they helped us to get what we wanted. But if you wanted to move towards a really secure, healthy relationship and adult relationship, right, it means transforming these behaviors. And using self responsibility, maturity, integrity, and clear communication to get your needs met. And yet, maybe that takes the romance out of it. But nothing takes the romance more out of it, like not having your needs and wants met, or getting into a fight with someone over it because you're being manipulative and needy. ย
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So you really need to feel and listen to your own emotions surrounding this. And when you have an emotion on something, or surrounding it, look at where it's coming from. So is it coming from an unmet need that you actually should be? Or could be meeting yourself? Is it coming from a point of insecure attachment within relationship? Is it coming from an anxious attachment right, where your energy is flowing over and you're people pleasing? And you're giving and giving and giving? And then you're not getting getting getting right? Or is it actually coming from a place of ย security and safety within and then just you know what, this would be really lovely if I could have this I feel safe and asking for it. ย
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And then what's really important is to look at yourself and look at your behavior and look at your addictive behaviors and to be able to identify your needs that are underneath addictive behaviors. So addictions, you know, we think of addictions as being like, drug and alcohol, gambling, things like that. But we all have addiction. So one of mine, I had two that I've been working with, and I had one had one was my masculine addiction, and one was my feminine addiction. The masculine addiction was overworking work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work. The feminine one was eating. So what would happen is my masculine would be work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work. And then I got to need a break. And then I read the only thing good thing that happened to me was eating right, so I'd go and eat. And then I would find that I would be thinking about food, craving food when I knew it wasn't mealtime I knew I wasn't hungry. And this was this addiction because when I was when I was eating, there's a part of me that was like, oh, it's I've been taken care of right and it came from like a lifetime of studying really, really hard all through school and all through university. When the only good thing that happened to me was when I broke my study and went and ate. And then on the other hand, what I got out of the study really hard was this real sense of achievement and satisfaction then doing really well. ย
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So I was getting these, getting these positives out of the overworking and out of the eating, but really what was underneath it was a deep loneliness and a deep sadness. And the overworking and the over eating makes me sound like I'm obese, I'm not. But a bit of binge eating, definitely going on, like, you know, you just don't stop at one scoop ice cream, you go back for more, that sort of stuff, right? And, like, what was underneath that was an emotion that I wasn't sitting with. And these things were just a distraction from what I was feeling. So really looking at addictions, and then asking yourself, or what would I have to feel if I didn't do this? ย
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Now, a lot of people, you know, there's definitely some brain chemistry that goes on from addictions, right, but it's like to do with, you know, feeling a certain way or distraction from a certain thing, and from a very painful thing. So, you know, not feeling loved or lovable, not feeling worthy. And it's this, like, oh, this this, like, if I didn't do this, I would have to sit with this. And that's why when we go in, and we do you know, like analytical hypnotherapy and psychotherapy and things like that, we go deep into these wounds, and we unravel them and we release these limiting beliefs, and we release these painful beliefs. And the addictions start to go. They start to lighten, and then you can actually start to observe them within yourself, and you can start to see what's really there. And it's that whole question of what would I have to feel if I didn't do this thing? And then what's the need underneath that feeling? Ah, okay, so I'm feeling lonely, and sad, and what's the need underneath that? Love? I need to be feel loved and need connection. So how can I get that to myself? Do I just do something that makes me feel loved in a different way? Or do I reach out to my friends and my family and have communication and connection? Or can I swap out my negative addiction for a more positive addiction? So you know, there's there's different things to look at with these addictive behaviors, and they come down to what do we really need at the bottom of the pile? What's right down to the bottom of this that's causing the discomfort that's causing the addiction.
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And then once you've worked out that, it's really about healing the unresolved emotion and pain around your needs. So this anxious attachment that we formed, or this avoidant attacher, what do we learn to believe about ourselves, and then what's the resultant knee that comes from that? So with an avoidant, it's like I need freedom. And with an anxious, it's like, I need to be loved, I need someone else to show me love. And then, you know, it's a lot more complicated than that, obviously, I'm simplifying it. But it's about looking into that. ย
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And there's always often a lot of grief and anger beneath and needs not being met, because it means a loss or a minimalizing of self, like letting go of how important we are and how worthy we are. And becoming less, becoming smaller and not processing these emotions keeps us stuck in feeling undeserved and unworthy. And sometimes we can be just like trying to get this worthiness off other people. Trying to be found important by the people, when the reality is that we're actually not worthy or important to ourselves. Which means that we've got this bucket with a big hole on it that can never be filled. And we can never, we've never ever, ever stopped this sensation of the discomfort of this need because it's like this clawing, agonizing need inside of us. ย
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So that's something you know is wants or needs that we need to go into or we need to resolve these these wounds that created these, the discomfort around having wants and needs. So then we also have unconscious barriers to having our needs met. So this is more for the anxious, sorry for the avoidant attachers were didn't get our needs met. Therefore, you block even having needs. Like I'm totally self sufficient, I don't need or want anything from anybody else. Because if I did, and I didn't get it, it would be far too painful, because it's really just like, poking that old wound that they they they got from the childhood of where they weren't important enough, or they weren't important at all. ย
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So one of the things that we need to be, or the first point of important communication is actually with ourselves. So you need to be prepared to hear and speak your truth and to really feel into it. So can you voice to yourself what you need? Like, can you can you really own it? Can you really hear it? And can you validate it, acknowledge it and then check into it and make sure that it's reasonable to need this, it's reasonable to want this and then you have your own back in your support with this.
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And often what happens in relationships is that we don't have solid boundaries in place with things that are actually should be a non negotiable. So we have some thing that's really important to us, it's a need that we really want in relationship. But because of our wounding, and because of us sort of wanting to get what we want from relationship where we want to feel loved or desirable, we, we don't enforce that boundary. And so something that's really, really important to us doesn't get met. And then that really is then validating and backing up that belief that we're not worthy of having it, right? Because in the end of the day, it was us that let ourselves down by not putting that boundary in place. And if you hadn't put that boundary in place, yeah, maybe you would have ended up single, or maybe your partner would realize how important it is to you and have met that need. But if we're not able to voice to ourselves how important something is, and be prepared to draw a line in the sand around something that's really important, right? Then we give up the chance of ever having those important needs met, because we're not communicating first to ourselves, and then to our partners, or our friends or our family. "Hey, this is actually really important to me". ย
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Now, sometimes, if you're coming in at a place from lack of self worth, and love, and then you have this need that you voice, your partner will actually give you what is called a re-traumatizing experience where they deny you. And let's face it is probably the partner that you've attracted to with this energy right? Now, you may have a re-traumatizing experience where they don't give you what you want to need, and they don't, they think it's not important, and they just write it off. And then you have to take action on that, we should take action on that. ย
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But what might also happen is that you end up with a corrective experience, where even though your needs are unmet as a child, now you've voiced this need in an adult and mature way, and your partner meets that need for you and teaches you and you learn to believe that. "Oh, it's okay to need this, it's okay to want this and I'm safe to have and want this. And I'm actually worth this". So it can be like either re traumatizing or corrective experiences, when you actually do start speaking your truth. ย
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But you need to be honest with yourself about what your needs and wants are. So that you can, within relationship, ask for them. And let them know how important this is to you. And if it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker. Like you don't bend, you don't compromise just for the sake of staying in a relationship, if something is that important to you. And if you find yourself tempted to do that, you need to really need to look at why, why you are doing that. Because if you're continuously twisting and turning and reshaping yourself and molding yourself around the other person's wants or needs, then even though you may be getting something from them occasionally, you're never going to be deeply fulfilled, and you're never going to be deeply happy and happy. And a lot of us anxious attachers to that. And we accept crumbs, right crumbs in relationship. And we just get dropped a few crumbs every now and then we really hold on to them. And we make those crumbs mean the world. ย
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So instead of that, you want to assume that others want to be there for you and then communicate in a healthy way that you know what your wants and needs are so that they can meet them. And other people realize that loved ones actually wanted to meet your needs. And there's joy in that and that you don't have to feel guilty about having your needs and wants met. ย
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So when this happens, when you're communicating, you get really super clear about what these wants and needs are and make it as like as easy as possible to know what you want. So for instance, if I was to say, you know, I'm feeling really tense, I would love for you to massage my neck. But I'd love for you to do it for like 20 minutes to really help me my neck and my shoulders. Is that possible? Not just hey, can you massage my neck, because when I used to do that in the past, I'd get like a 20 second massage. That was it, right? And then you're left feeling like, oh, and in fact, like what I should have said, we know and want it to be like at least 15 minutes and I want you to be fully present while you're doing it. Because I used to get this kind of like lackluster like "meh meh meh" on your neck and then done and dusted. And all that's left is you've kind of left feeling like unworthy. Like that's it? And then resentful and angry right that you asked for something and that was the best that could be given to you when you know yourself that you would have given so much more. ย
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So for an example of this also might be if one person, probably the anxious person says to the avoidant person, I just, I just need you to love me. And then the other person says, but I do love you, like they're really confused, right? I do love you. And then you got to look ato the first person, how is it that they need to be shown love because the second person doesn't get that, right? So it's like well, I need you to show that you love me by holding me in your arms every morning before we get out of bed and making me feel loved and safe and secure. And, you know, being intimate with me, as opposed to, I just need you to love me. So it's working out what your need is, and what that looks like in specificity so that you can actually communicate that to the other person. ย
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And then yeah, there's non negotiable needs, right? You need to know what they are, and what are the deal breakers, and, and be able to put boundaries in place surrounding them, especially when you first start dating somebody, and you just want to be like, you know, it's all so romantic. And it's all so amazing, you don't want to say anything that offends them, you don't want to ruin the energy or whatever. And that is the point right there, where you need to be standing up for your wants and your needs. Because it's almost like you sign this contract at that point. And, and if you go into that relationship, like showing up as one person, and then as soon as you your wants and needs come in later, you come in as a different person, well, one, it's actually not fair on that other person to do that to them. And to it's not fair on you, right, because you're continuously being disappointed. ย
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So, know what your non negotiable needs are. And then open yourself to receive your wants and needs. So a lot of people have wants and needs, but then they can't receive them. Because they just don't feel worthy of receiving them. And they feel guilty when they're given something and there's shame surrounding it. So you have to open yourself to being able to receive your wants and needs and to be comfortable with it. And then realize that people are not mind reader's, they're not going to realize that you have wants and needs unless you actually express them. ย
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And sometimes a people pleaser will be there that will be really in tune and they'll be getting your wants and needs for you. Meanwhile, they're being being resentful because they're not getting their wants and needs met, right. So if you are an avoidant, be aware in relationship, if your partner is doing stuff for you, without you asking for it, they probably want that done for them. And so start to be more aware of what your partner's wants or needs might be and actually ask them and make it okay. And make it allowable for them to have a think about what they want and need and what would be nice for them to be able to receive from you. And so for you to sort of put your wall down and to be able to give rather than just receive and for them to be able to put their wall down and to be able to receive rather than just give, that's the dance between the anxious and the avoidant attachers as they come more towards secure attachment.
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So the end of the day, you teach others how to love you, if you don't love yourself, if you don't treat yourself, well. If you don't stand up for yourself, then no one else is going to love you treat you well stand up for yourself. I mean, there'll be a few people, right. But you basically teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself and what you're willing to accept and what you're not willing to accept and what your non negotiables are, and how you are going to act on a boundary when a boundary is being broken. ย
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The other thing you want to realize, too, is that you can't expect to have all of your needs met by one person. It's just not fair. And it's it's just not, it's not going to happen, right, it's going to lead to disappointment. If you long for a partner that's going to meet all your needs, then it's a lot of pressure on that one person. And you might find that they can meet most of your needs, but your girlfriends or your mates have to meet some needs, or your parents or your siblings have to meet some needs. And that's fine. Because we're not meant to be in these isolated units that we end up in, we're meant to be in community, having our wants and needs met by more than just one person. But more importantly, and most importantly, being able to meet your own wants and needs. ย
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And if you ask for something, if you ask for a want, like if I go to my partner and say, Oh my God, my neck feels so tight. I would love for you to give me a neck massage right now. And for it to last for 15 minutes and to be to be fully present within it. And they said to me, you know what, I'm just really busy right now getting this finished. I just don't have the time. For me to not to go off and sulk, right? For me to not make it mean something about me, that I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. I'm not important. I'm not lovable. But for me to either negotiate with them, if they will, is this something that you could see happening in the next, in this day? And if they said well, yeah, it is. I could find some time later tonight. So okay, what is this something that you can give me later tonight? Or to go off and do it myself to go and book myself in for a massage or to go and rub my own neck, to get a heat pack? You to have a bath, to do what I need for myself, to be able to have it done and to not feel sad and lonesome within that and like all pitying right. ย
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Okay. I hope that you have gotten something out of this podcast on wants and needs. Gave you some food for thought. And yeah, have a sit down and really think about what are your wants or needs? What were the ones that were met when you were a child, what wasn't met? And really have to think about that because sometimes the things that weren't met when we were children aren't even on our radar has been possible for us to meet. So really get in there and write it down. What wants and needs are acceptable to ask from others and what should we be meeting ourselves? And then work on that? How would it feel to receive these wants or needs? Is there any guilt involved there? Is there any shame? Do we have any like, Oh my God, and then I feel like I have to do it back to them or whatever? And is it okay to actually have wants or needs if you're an avoidant. Is it okay to let that wall down and actually ask for what you need? Is that safe? Is it possible for that to be safe? ย
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And most importantly, what are your non negotiables? What makes you incompatible with somebody who can't meet certain wants and needs and realizing what these are? So that when you move forward in relationship, you can very quickly ascertain whether or not you have compatibility with somebody. Because if you have a non negotiable want or need and they can't meet it, then you're not compatible. And that relationship needs to end right then and there. And I think too often, we find these relationships and it's like, you know, two hearts beating as one You complete me and all this stuff. And we've dramatize it all. I mean, it's beautiful, right? But we dramatize it all and then we set out how to make this last forever. And sometimes it's just not compatible. ย
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Anyway, I hope you got something out of this. So next episode is going to be on how to communicate your wants or needs. So how to have good conversation within relationship. And it's not just within like romantic relationship but just in general like with friends, family and strangers even. How to communicate your wants and needs in a mature way. And then the episode after that is on being important. So I hope that you're enjoying my podcast and that you will go and listen to the next one which is on communicating wants or needs. ย
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I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Living through Heart Podcast. To find out more about me and Living through Heart, check out donnajoyusher.com and livingthroughheart.com. There you'll find links to everything you need, including some free tools to help you and ways you can work with me on your own soul healing journey.
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