Last week we spoke about wants and needs. This week I'm going to talk about how to have effective communication in relationship and how to ask for you wants and needs to be met. (Big shout out to my mentor Georgia Rose who taught me that it was okay for me to have wants and needs. You can see more about her here: Facebook: www.facebook.com/georgiaroseevents and here on Instagram: @georgia_liberate)
Last week we spoke about wants and needs. This week I'm going to talk about how to have effective communication in relationship and how to ask for you wants and needs to be met.
(Big shout out to my mentor Georgia Rose who taught me that it was okay for me to have wants and needs. You can see more about her here:
Facebook: www.facebook.com/georgiaroseevents
and here on Instagram: @georgia_liberate)
You can connect with me on:
Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/livingthroughheart)
Instagram (@livingthroughheart)
Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/@livingthroughheart/)
LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/donnajoyusher)
Welcome to the Living Through Heart Podcast. I'm Donna Joy Usher. And I'm an analytical hypnotherapist, a psychotherapist, a spiritual healer, a magnetic mind coach, and a multi award winning best selling author. I believe that everybody is capable of creating whatever they want, if they can just get out of the beliefs and stories in their head. This podcast is an audio blog of my thoughts as I go on a journey to hear my soul, surrender into my feminine power, and to live from the present moment and heart. I hope you find it amusing, interesting, thought provoking, touching, raw, and inspiring.
Hello, and welcome to the 36th episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast. Last week, we spoke about wants and needs. This week, I'm going to speak about how to communicate your wants and needs because it can be scary. It can be scary to ask for what you want, because you're not always going to get it. So we're gonna go through a few things, we're going to talk about, we're going to talk about ineffective communication strategies. And then effective communication strategies.
And obviously, one of the main things that comes into this is attachment style. So if you haven't already listened to them, you might want to go back and listen to episodes 28 to 32, where I went through attachment styles. It was like a five [episode] series on different attachment styles, and mainly looking at insecure attachment styles.
Okay, so how to have effective communication? And this is not just in intimate relationship, this is in any relationship, it can be with your parents, it can be with your siblings, and it can be with strangers on the street.
So the first thing that you need to do to have effective and constructive communication is to make sure that your communication with yourself is good, that you're you don't have any negative self talk, or anything going on. Because when you're coming from a place of negative self talk, which comes from self worth issues, right, then that brings just a whole can of worms into any communication with somebody, because the way you're perceiving what you're hearing is always going to be tainted by how you're feeling about yourself.
So I remember someone saying to me, once you know, there's what you think there's what you say, there's what they hear you say, and then there's what they think they heard you said. That's just from what you're in your head and what comes out of your mouth, what they hear, what they hear come out of your mouth, and then what they interpret that to mean. And sometimes the words that come out of your mouth and what they relay back to you in an argument, are totally wrong, totally distorted.
And then it's like this whole, like, I didn't say that. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. Which gets us nowhere, right? Because basically, what we're saying we're saying is what I didn't say that and they're saying they're accusing us of lying basically, right, because the way they interpret it was wrong.
So we have these filters on our brain, which come from our belief systems. And if we have a lot of belief systems that lead to self worth issues, us being unworthy, us being unlovable, us not being important, then we're going to interpret what we're here to back that belief up.
So it's really, really important that you really work on yourself and your self image and your self love. And that's like one of the things that I do with my clients with therapy, obviously, in any, any sort of deep therapy, when you work into the unconscious mind, good embodiment work, releasing the energy that's inside you, and really changing and rewiring the brain, your belief systems is going to help with this.
But one of the things you can do to start with is actually notice your self talk, your chatter, what does that mean? I don't have a voice in my head that tells me things my stuff deeper, a lot of people just have a voice in their head, that's telling them negative things about themselves. And when you think into that voice, often it's not even your voice. Often it's your mother or your father or a sibling or somebody, a caretaker from when you were very young, maybe, even a teacher who told you negative shit about yourself. And now you chose to believe it. And now that's the voice that plays in your head.
So have a have a think about this voice and it's in your head, if it's telling you negative stuff about you know yourself, then really think about where this came from. And you need to do some deep work to release that so that that negative talk can go away. And that's not something that's going to happen overnight. Any of this work takes work. That's why we call it work. Because it took a while to get to this point in your life where all this stuff is building up and all the layers are there, all the perceptions are there, all the beliefs are there. And it's not normally something that goes away in one session. It's like a chipping away and removing of the layers.
But examining yourself talk is going to give you a really good idea of really what you think about yourself. And you probably think that this is normal. It's not. Okay? It's a sign of trauma, and a survival system that was set up in place by a very small child. It doesn't need to be there.
But if you'd have effective communication, you need to be coming from a place of worth and self validation. You shouldn't be looking for validation from somebody else you should already have it there. So your communication is more about what you want and need and what your boundaries are, rather than you trying to get something from somebody else.
So once you've looked at yourself and your self-talk, and if you do find yourself saying these things to yourself, then you really need to stop yourself when that happens. And like work into it and say, "hey, that's not true", or "that's not what I really believe", "it's not really how I feel", and sit with the part of you that feels that way. I'm gonna really recommend getting therapy. Honestly, if that's what's going on your head, then sometimes, we can do all the cognitive work that we want in the world. But until we release the unconscious programming that came from, you know, in your formative years, all the cognitive works not going to get you there.
And that's where we have this yo yo effect that happens where you're kind of going for something and then you find yourself self sabotaging, and you go back, and you're going for it again, and you're self sabotaging. It's because of what you really believe about yourself. That's the issue.
Okay, let's go back to communication. Alright.
So if you find yourself that you're really quiet and you don't speak up, then start speaking up. And if you're the person who talks and talks and talks and talks, then you need to maybe start talking less.
A lot of talk is very superficial, very story based, very narrative based. And rather than talking, start to really sink into what you're feeling, and start to look for the truth. When someone asks me a question, sometimes it takes me a long time to answer because I have to dig down through the layers to find the core, what's really at the base at the bottom of it all, because there's so many layers of story on top of it, things are making it mean about myself or you know, even manipulation, how can I add to this in such a way to get some sort of emotive response that I'm after. And I have to sink right down to the bottom of that to get to the core of what the real answer is.
So if you're a talker, you may want to stop talking as much and really sink into your heart and start to think about what is the truth here? Is it really just this story, this narrative? It's almost like a machine gun sometimes going off. Or what do you really think? What do you really feel? And why? Why is the story there? What are you trying to get from that story.
So let's have a look at some ineffective communication strategies. I'm going to initially look at anxious attachers and the ineffective communication strategies that they use.
So the number one thing that an anxious attachment does, it's very ineffective, is expecting other people to guess how they feel. And often that's not conscious, they just want other people to guess how they feel or to want people to know or to intuitively know what they need. Because they're running around, right? Doing so much for everybody else, often things that these other people don't even want done for them. And they're forcing it upon them, right, because it makes them feel good about themselves, it makes them feel needed. Therefore, it makes them feel secure, and safe. So but they're wanting the same done for them, they're wanting someone else to step in, and just intuitively know exactly what they want to need. So they don't communicate, and then they get resentful. And rather than just asking for what they want, they do more subtle things, like they might act out, they might slam doors, and there might be some sighing going on, some passive aggressive behavior, some little digs at the other person, because they're just not getting it.
All of this sort of stuff is really ineffective. And if you think about how you would feel if it was being done to you, then stop it, stop it now. Okay, if that is you. Now, all of this stuff, I'm not judging, I'm not pointing fingers, I'm not blaming, right, this is just a makeup of who we are. And everything about this podcast is about trying to bring you into heart and into center and letting go of these layers that are covering up our true essential self. So we can have more happiness and wholeness and just live a life that we want, right? So there's no judgement here. But you've got to be honest with yourself. And if you're the sort of person who doesn't communicate effectively, and then gets passive aggressive about it, you have to know that that's not fair. And it's not effective. So just, you know, we'll get into effective strategies later on.
So another thing that an anxious detacher will do is make assumptions instead of asking questions. So you assume something, and you jump to a conclusion. And often they're like two or three steps ahead of you. And they're already at blame, or anger, because they've assumed something that's just not true. They also assume that the partner or the other is going to reject them because of the anxious attachment. And so they come from that place. So once again, it's making those assumptions and then basically working from a place of anger or sadness or resentment, rather than just coming in a neutral place where they're not making something mean about them. Anxious attachers, you know, sometimes have this real need to be right. So it can be tempting to interrogate people to prove an insecurity or an assumption to be right about something, because when you're right, then that means you're safe.
Whereas the other person is right as well, because it's what we're thinking and what we're feeling that is what makes our right and not everybody's worlds and perceptions and realities are the same time. So anxious attachers.... And I remember when I first actually started dating my now ex husband. So this is like a few decades ago, I should do this, it would feel in extremes, there'd be this catastrophe. So I would, in one morning, I would go from, you know, amazing to oh my god, we're going to break up. And it's this extreme, when you're swinging from one extreme to the other from perfect to "oh, my God, this just isn't going to work".
And, you know, it can feel very helpless and hopeless and doomsday, and then they just give you a smile, say something nice to you, and then you're back to the "lahh~" side of it. So this can happen. Because when you were young, your caregiver, you know, withdrew their love from you completely when they were upset, or challenged, and they take it away.
So one point, they're loving you and you're feeling loved and cherished. And then the next minute, you're just dropped. And so this is built into this system of this, this real, like peaks and valleys in relationship. But it's not true. It's just the way you're interpreting stuff. And it's just the way you're feeling stuff.
So we tend to think in extremes, we feel in extremes. And we think in extremes, there's an always and never.
So when you get into like an argument with someone, it's like, uh, you always say this, or you never do that, which is not actually true, right? But that's the way you're feeling about it. So it feels very true. And what happens when you're using these words, these extremes of always a never is that the other person starts having to defend themselves, because they know that they don't always do it. They know that they never do that. So then they start coming up with "oh, hang on, I did it here or I did it then or I didn't do it then" and you end up going around in circles. You trying to be right and prove that they never always do it, and then trying to defend themselves.
Whereas if you come at it with more effective communication, where you're not using those always never words, but you're just saying you know what you've noticed and how you're feeling about it, then you can come and have a proper conversation about it because you're not finger pointing and you're not blaming, you're just coming from a place of heart.
Anxious attachers can be manipulative, and they can play games to get their way. So this comes into this whole passive aggressive thing. So you know, you can... someone says, you know, are you fine, and you get "yeah, I'm fine" when you're not, right? Because you want them to keep guessing, you want them to keep showing that you mean something to them.
You want to... you know, if they keep like, "Oh no, well, what what's wrong with you? And what's fine?" It starts to make you feel important, right? And when you say "no, I'm fine", they're like, "okay, fine, no worries". Because often an anxious attacher who's doing this is with an avoidant, right? And so, and then the anxious attacher feels unloved, feels not important. So it's like this self validating thing that's happening.
And then the other thing that anxious attachers do is they don't speak their truth, because they're scared that if they do, then the other person will leave them and they'll end up alone. And that is scarier than not getting what their needs and wants met. So they're not in their truth, they're not asking what they want and then they get resentful when they're not having it met.
So anxious attaches can also lack discernment on how much to share, and they're normally oversharer. So they normally share too much. And this is a way of maintaining connection with someone and having that connection, which is so important to an anxious attacher. And due to like a real hyper vigilance, the nervous system can be wired, scanning for rejection, because that's the greatest fear of an anxious attacher. That fear of rejection. So they're always scanning for rejection, which means that often they only noticed the bad things, they only pick up on the negative things that their partner is doing. And they're not filling their cup, right? There that's like that whole glass is half empty thing, because they're looking for exactly what their fear is gonna happen with, which is rejection. Whereas if they weren't, they would notice the nice things that were happening instead.
Now avoidant attachers, who pull back and put the barriers up, you know, they tend to send mixed signals, because on one hand, they're feeling like loved up and comfortable. And they might be talking about future plans. But then when they freak out about these emotions, and they pull back behind the wall, then you know, it all changes and they start backing out, or they start you know, becoming unavailable. And they devalue, dismiss or minimize another person's feelings.
So I know, my ex husband, I was trying to get him to realize something once, and I was observing an hypnotherapy course. And something had come up that we'd all been talking about, and I knew it was one of his things. And I had spoken to him about it not as in, "hey, what do you think about this? Or maybe you should look at this", but from a point of view of the conversation that we'd had and, you know, for the night before, hoping that something would tweak with him that he would start to like, oh, man, I do that or whatever. And instead, he kind of just looked at me and like grimaced and said, "are you guys are all holding on a bit tight, aren't you?" And it was very kind of dismissive of all of us, but then also dismissive of his own feelings and his own wants and needs, because I knew from having been with him for like 25 years, that this was actually something that was really deeply embedded in him, but he just wasn't willing to look at it because of, you know, the vulnerability and the pain of going there.
So, which is a big avoidant attachment thing. Avoidant attaches, avoid conflict. They avoid uncomfortable conversations at all costs, and they run the other direction. So they will put their wall up, they will leave the house, they might explode, or they just storm out or try to find another way to end the conversation, because they have difficulty talking about how they feel because that's just not safe.
And then there's the criticism of the other partner being too needy, being too emotional, because if they want to talk about their feelings and the avoidant attacher, rather than admitting that they're just uncomfortable with it, will blame the other person for it. So they tend to have rules about conversations that are off limits. So there's something that's really uncomfortable, they draw the line, and you're just not allowed to talk about that. And that's a way of them maintaining a sense of control so that they're not in discomfort.
They can also make empty promises, and not admit to fault. So not admit to doing anything, and can put the blame on to the other person. So I used to have that a little bit as well. And then they deflect and flip things back on the partner. So they don't really hear what they say. They basically have difficult taking responsibility for their actions or their words, because that would be vulnerability. That would be having to admit something, being vulnerable, and being having an emotion about it, and then possibly getting into confrontation about it.
So this leads to them avoiding answering questions directly. So they might avoid, you know, questions, answering any questions where it's black or white? And they might say, I can't answer that. They just sort of back out or keep their answers vague and don't actually answer the real question. Because they don't want to commit to the answers in case they want to change their mind later, because they want their freedom and they want their space.
So if these are the ineffective strategies of the insecure attachment styles, what are effective communication strategies? Well, to start with, taking responsibility for how you feel, and then finding the courage to express it. So if you're really insecure attachment within yourself, and you're feeling you have worth and you love yourself, then you can take responsibility for how you feel without guilt and shame, which is what we tend to have in insecure attachments. If we, if we're wrong, it's like this, oh, my God, I'm going to be cut off, I'm not going to, you know, people are not going to love me, I'm going to be rejected, all this stuff goes on in our unconscious mind, right? And then that brings up guilt and shame.
So when you are in secure attachment, you can just say, hey, I was wrong, you can have the courage to express it and have a conversation around it. And how you can you know, stop that from happening again.
Effective communication is also noticing assumptions, and asking questions to clarify. So either your own assumptions or your partner's assumptions. If there's an assumption there, being aware of it, and then saying, Oh, hey, I notice it's an assumption. I just wanted to clarify a few points here. Or yourself, if you notice, you've assumed something about them. Same thing, say, hey, listen, I'm assuming this, I'm assuming that you're going to be home on the weekend for us to be able to do the housework together. But I just wanted to make sure that that was correct. And actually just, you know, having a conversation about it, that comes from a place of peace, and not from a place of resentment when you're not getting what you want.
You know, because people who can have really effective communication strategies, or in secure attachment that come from that place of where they, where they've had the healthy boundaries, and they know that their needs and wants are important and can be met. They, you know, they assume that people want it to meet their needs, so they can feel comfortable in asking for stuff and then sharing emotions and being vulnerable, honest and authentic, wherever possible. Yeah, and often what is at the core of conflict is what we're most vulnerable about. So being able to just sink into that vulnerability and just be with it. And just be totally honest about it and be totally open to whatever happens from there because you're not fearing rejection, you're not needing freedom you're not too scared to be alone, is a really very powerful place to come from.
People with effective communication strategies, were talking to things before they build up, they don't leave it, they don't let it go. They don't get resentful. They don't like you know, bitch their friends about it. Well, the poor person who's doing it is totally unaware of what's going on. You know them when they notice that they'll talk into it right then and there. And this takes away that pressure that builds of unspoken words from years of years and months and years of not saying stuff and this pressure building up.
So effective communication is not oversharing and it's not under sharing. It's just giving the right amount of information, especially personal personal information. And that is that is required at any given moment. Sometimes we overshare is a way of manipulating of making people feel sorry for us or making people feel a certain way certain feel a certain way about us. And what we're actually sharing is not always the open and honest truth, it's just our spin on something.
Effective communication is being able to reflect on what is being said as a whole picture, and not twisting it. To make it mean something about you, right, being able to look at it from the other person's point of view. And rather than blowing it completely out of proportion, or distorting what they've said, or shutting it down, or punishing them with silence, right, giving the other person the right to have an opinion. And making them feel safe and secure to to voice that by not punishing them. And effective communication is being willing to listen and reflect instead of deflect.
So when somebody says something willing to listen what they're saying, and then reflect on it to see if there is truth in it, rather than deflecting it. And this is complements as well, right? People especially anxious attachers, if someone gives them a compliment, they just deflect it, they move it to the side, rather than own it, rather than let it sink home, because they're not able to accept it, because they don't truly believe their own worth.
And one of the really big ones in effective communication is being able to apologize and move towards repair. And this is such a big thing and secure attachment. When you are wrong, or when you've hurt someone, maybe you didn't even mean to intend to, but being able to apologize for what you've done, and move to repair the relationship.
And one of the really important thing about all of this is being able to process your emotion before you communicate. So if anger comes up, being able to process it, get to the bottom of it, see what's really there, what's really making you angry, what's really triggering you, so you can have a conversation about it. From that place, not from the top, not from the surface, not from the superficial level. But being able to move into the depths. Like I said, I do when people ask me a question, I work down down down to well, what is the truth in this moment, down beneath the emotion, down beneath the belief structure and systems to what is my truth.
You know, good communication means being vulnerable. It means getting beneath your emotions and not being scared of the outcome. Not being scared of not getting what you want, because you're actually okay inside. It also means being a really effective listener. So really sitting and giving somebody a whole attention and listening with your whole body and actually really trying to understand something from their point of view, and not from what you, how you would perceive something or what you're making this mean about you. And asking questions to get more information so that you can understand it fully.
Being curious about this and being curious about the other person and how they think and realizing that not everybody thinks the same way. I mean, when I say these things, it's all obvious, right? But it's not that our makeup, it's not how we really act and feel.
So there's a really good framework for effective communication that I'm just going to talk you through now. And it's called the "I feel, I need" communication framework. So basically, it's like, "I feel blah, I need blah, and this would provide me with blah". So rather than getting upset with somebody, and then do all the passive aggressive stuff, and hoping that they're going to notice and hoping they're going to read your mind and work out exactly what you want, and then go out of the way and do backflips to make it happen for you, you go to them.
So for instance, I had a thing with a real estate agent recently. And if I broke it down, this is what the how the I feel, I need communication framework would work. I feel disappointed. I need for you to action, what I asked you to action when I asked you to action it. And this would provide me with confidence in having you as my real estate agent. So rather than just going off my handle about the shit that wasn't getting done, this is a much better way to do it. This is how I feel, this is what I need. And this is the reason I need it. This would make me feel a certain way.
And doing this allows the other person just to listen, just to get the information. And you're not manipulating, you're not throwing mud, you're just that you're coming from a place of vulnerability. So somebody else who is able to communicate effectively then can say, right, thanks very much. That's good to know. And you can move on from there.
So more in a relationship wise, you could say like, I feel sad. I need you to spend some quality time with me. And then you really want to knock down what that is like. I would love for you to spend an hour quality time with me tonight just holding each other and talking. And that would make me feel loved and safe.
So not only are we saying how we feel, and we're not just saying I need for you to spend quality time with me, because you might be thinking a whole weekend. And they're interpreting it as a minute, five minutes, right you need you need to actually break it down and be specific in good communication and really what you want, which means that you really have to think about this before you go in and communicate this sort of stuff.
You don't want it to be reactionary. You want to have worked and underneath the emotion to what is really there underneath, because really, normally what's on top is anger. But what's underneath is sadness, or really there is maybe there's frustration or disappointment or something like that. So it's about being able to get down to the core emotion underneath. That's maybe driving the other emotions, the anger, and being able to communicate from a place of there. And then be able to give specificity of what you're wanting, of what you're needing so that the other person then has a choice whether or not to meet that need.
Now, they don't have to say yes, this, like if someone communicates with you what they want, you don't have to say yes, if it's outside your boundary, or you really don't have the time, then either you come back and say, well, no, I don't want to do that. Or you might say, Well, hey, listen, I can't give you a whole weekend of my time. But how about we spend all of Saturday together, and then you can negotiate.
So the big mistakes that people make with this framework is finger pointing and subtle shaming. So you don't want to say, "I feel like you don't care about me and constantly judge me, I need you to take an interest in my life and accept me as I am. That would make me feel like I matter and that you actually care". So if you look at that structure there, that's loaded with full of finger pointing, and really vague requests. So you're not really giving them any good information to work on.
It's not really expressing how you feel right? You think I feel like you don't care about me, as opposed to I feel sad. I feel disappointed. And the needs are not specific. I need you to take an interest in my life. What does that look like? Does that mean like, gone watching them play sport? Does that mean like sitting and listening to them, you need to be specific and what it is, that would make me feel like I matter. And then you actually care. That's like giving them the responsibility, right? As opposed to that would make me feel safe and secure.
So many people and let's face it, probably most people, communicate from protection and projection rather than from vulnerability. And they feel it's not safe to speak and be vulnerable. And this leads to some really bad communication with people never getting, never been heard, never been understood, never being met, never getting really what they want. And then and then resenting the hell out of it, right? Being unclear and indirect is also not effective. And really being attached to the outcome is not good. You need to be secure enough within yourself that you can ask for what you want, and then not be attached to the outcome. So if you get a no, you're not devastated, then it's more like, well, how can I meet this need myself? Or who else could meet this need for me?
I mean, if there are wants and needs that you have that are non negotiables, and they're continuously not being met, or having no to it, then you really need to reconsider your relationship at that point. Is this person compatible for you? You know, we don't have to stay with somebody just because we need someone in our life, right? It's better to be alone and happy than with someone and unhappy. And a lot of people really miss that.
Anyway, I hope that you've gotten something out of this, how to communicate your wants and needs. So remember the "I feel, I need" framework. "I feel this" and it's a feeling that you are actually feeling being very vulnerable, not a feeling framed in a way that is making them responsible for your feelings. "I need this" and be specific about what you need. And then "that would make me feel" and once again, coming from a place of vulnerability of how it makes you feel and not not making them responsible for your feelings and your emotions because they're not. Just as you're not responsible for their feelings and emotions, right?
When you start getting into that, you get into really codependent relationships which is a really unhealthy situation to be in.
Okay, so I hope you got something out of that. And I'll see you in the well, you'll hear me in the next podcast, which is about it's called On Being Important.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast. To find out more about me and Living Through Heart, check out donnajoyusher.com and livingthroughheart.com. There you'll find links to everything you need, including some free tools to help you and ways you can work with me on your own soul healing journey.