Being and feeling important is an essential part of our make-up. Being important means that we will be loved and that we will be safe. In this episode of Living Through Heart, I talk you through a process I've been going through on being allowed to be important and what I have learned from that.
Being and feeling important is an essential part of our make-up. Being important means that we will be loved and that we will be safe.ย
In this episode of Living Through Heart, I talk you through a process I've been going through on being allowed to be important and what I have learned from that.ย
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Welcome to the Living Through Heart Podcast. ย
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I'm Donna Joy Usher. And I'm an analytical hypnotherapist, a psychotherapist, a spiritual healer, a magnetic mind coach, and a multi award winning best selling author. I believe that everybody is capable of creating whatever they want, if they can just get out of the beliefs and stories in their head. This podcast is an audio blog of my thoughts as I go on a journey to heal my soul, surrender into my feminine power, and to live from the present moment in heart. I hope you find it amusing, interesting, thought provoking, touching, raw and inspiring. ย
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Hello, I'm Donna Joy Usher. And welcome to my Living Through Heart Podcast. This is episode 37. Normally, well, not normally, sometimes, when I'm going to record a podcast, I plan it out, I think about it or even jot down notes to remind myself and things to say, this is not one of those times. And basically what I'm doing is I'm using your ears in this podcast to walk my way mentally through a process. I mean, at this very moment. ย
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And I am at the tail end of it, that I find, you know, like anything talking about stuff helps you make sense of things and helps really kind of like solidify the information, the knowledge that you have received through something. ย
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And so that is what I'm going to do in this podcast. And what I'm talking through is, you know, being important, the importance of being important, or on being important, basically. ย
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Now, for me, important and special are two different things. For me, special is kind of like and I say this, because probably about six months ago when I started this journey. Now I keep talking about this last six months, this journey I've been on when I've been on a journey for a very long time, quite a few years of working through my stuff and releasing things and going through process. But six months ago, basically what happened was, I took a lover, and things were amazing for like the first month and I couldn't believe it, I was getting everything that I wanted, you know, affection, attention, beautiful texts, phone calls, and then it just stopped. ย
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And basically, I had attracted once again, a very avoidant male. And when I don't know what happened on his end, I could only assume stuff, I'm not going to actually put the assumptions into words, because that's a narrative or story that I've created in my head. And it might not be true, but let's just say a wall, a thick wall went up. And everything was taken away, pretty much almost overnight. And it just sent me into the biggest tailspin. ย
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All my anxious attachment that I wasn't even really aware of was triggered up. And the pain of the rejection was so big that it's I've just come through it. So it's taken me five, six months of holding myself in this and actually going back in. So like he was still happy to be my lover, just not to give me emotion, affection to make the important or a priority.
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And that's fair enough, you know, we had a conversation about it. And he told me where he was. You know, he was quite honest about that after that initial stage. And I chose to use this as a chance to really trigger up all of my shits surrounding this because I figured, well, I'm kind of in a safe container, I know where he stands, there is no confusion and the stuff that's here needs to be dealt with. So I might as well deal with it, rather than sort of just leave and then wait for perhaps finding somebody who is going to be important to me and then having a trigger up then. ย
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And in reality, I mean, until I dealt with this stuff, until I dealt with this anxious attachment energy and was able to get through it and to come to security within itself. I was never going to be able to attract somebody who was going to be good for me anyway, right? It was going to be able to give me what I what I want to need and to be able to meet me where I am. So in retrospect, I'm really happy that I did this. ย
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So I would basically, we would meet, have an amazing time, beautiful connection, intimacy, and then there would be nothingness. And in that nothingness, I would sit in the pain and process emotion and take myself into memories and take myself back into stuff and work with Charlotte, my gorgeous friend and mentor, and Keith, and different girlfriends and do hypnotherapy on myself and I would just keep taking myself back into the fire, into the pain, to work through the process until it came out the other side. And then I would go back down and spent another night there and trigger it up again. ย
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So that's the my journey for the last six months. And it's the first time I've actually, you know, mentioned it publicly. So what's been going, what actually happened, and I probably met with him maybe six or seven times before I was able to pull my energy out and into myself and to breathe again. And to not need to go back, to know that that process was done. ย
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But what was really important that happened during that was just before the new year. So I'm recording this in May 2023. So just before the new year when I kind of realized, you know what was happening, and he pulled back and and I was coming to terms with that pain and rejection, I went into this huge process in myself. And it was like having an alien come out of my chest for like five hours. There's the physiological symptom of this pain I was in. And I basically just lay in bed and held myself in that pain and went into this memory that I had never gone into before. Which is amazing, right? ย
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Because, and it's interesting during hypnotherapy, I used to think how interesting I never went to this thing that happened to me when I was 15. And I was... my first basically, first boyfriend dumped me. But in a really beautiful way. He was a lovely guy. And he was very special, and very, very mature. And he broke up with me, but he sat me down and had a very beautiful conversation with me about why he was breaking up with me and basically what I had gotten from that relationship, because he was a very unique individual, as a 15 year old girl who was a bit of a gangling, Ugly Duckling, to be honest, it was this feeling of being special that this guy had wanted to spend time with me. And it only lasted maybe three or four months before, he didn't want to spend time with me. And it just ripped me apart. ย
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And I was in this pain for like a year, unable to tell anyone about it, because no one understood. And if I did sort of mentioned it, it was just like that, oh, well, you'll get over it sort of thing. So I couldn't tell my parents. I was studying really hard. And I was also ministering piano. And I was doing all these extracurricular activity and sports and basically holding myself together with activity during the day. And then when I hopped into bed at night, just being ripped apart, and the sorrow and the grief and working through that, and I had never gone there in therapy, right? ย
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Anyway, during this process that I went into just about six months ago, that's where I went back to this memory. And I swim back to the energy, this memory and this 15 year old girl, and I was able to realize during that it made me feel special. And I couldn't believe and there was just like this. And you know, when you get something and you can't believe it, and it's like maybe you're a little girl, and you get given some beautiful toy, or a jewel, or a necklace, or a piece of jewelry, something so pretty, and beautiful. And it just like it makes you feel like you're a princess. Like that's what the feeling that I had from that 15 year old that was dashed away. And that's what was getting triggered up now. ย
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This guy had like, I mean, it was never meant to be a relationship. It was just meant to be a lover situation, but, but he had like, turned it around and started giving me stuff that had made me feel like it was going to be more than just that. And then I had bought into it. And I had invested emotionally into it because of that. And then he ripped it all away. And I was left with this feeling of this pain. ย
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So at that point in time I went into the pain and of that 15 year old and I sat with it until I was able to identify that what had happened was this feeling of special or being taken away from her.
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And then you know, in hypnotherapy, we identify what the issue is the core belief, problem or whatever was happened in that time that created the belief or became a part of the foundational belief system that we're living our life from life. ย
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So what was the perception that was created what was the lens it was put in front of our eyes that we now see the world through. ย
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And then we reenact, we allow the expression of the pain, the grief or the happiness, the joy whatever is happening, right? We allow the expression of that emotion was analytical hypnotherapy by the way, not clinical hypnotherapy. And this is called root therapy, the way I've been taught to do it, where it's kind of almost like an embodiment, where we're actually really releasing this energy as well. ย
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I'm ย very similar to what I'm learning at the moment with a Tantra embodiment practitioner training. But we go in and we release and we allow and then we reenact and the thing about the unconscious mind is it doesn't know the difference between reality and fact and fiction. So when you reenact something in the unconscious mind, it's true. It's just as true with everything that happened because let's face it, the way we're perceiving stuff anyway is just fiction. You know, something happens and then we write a story about in our head it's just fiction our whole life is just a whole fiction story. Right? ย
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So Where was I? Yeah, so yes, you reenact but it just didn't feel right to me in this moment to reenact this as in, oh but you are special. You are special to give her what it needed and and it just felt wrong. And I'm like well this is so weird because when you need to be loved, we bring in you know lovability and when you need you know these other qualities we bring them in but for me the quality of special thought wrong so I sat with that for a while.
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And then I realized it's because I wasn't special and special is actually... like for you to be special, somebody else has to be not special. So you to be a special is kind like almost like this elitism thing where you're special and that person's not. And then there's this like, whoa, how special am I? Am I more special than that person? Am I more special than that? I am I special enough to get this? And it's like a sliding scale of "specialinism" (just invented a new word). And it's not a place to live your life from - the need to be special. ย
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And I went into this pain of like, oh, my God, I'm not special. And that was like, the pain of that of realizing that I wasn't special. And that took me into wow, I am. What's the point of getting out of bed, if not to prove that special, right. And my whole life had been revolving around very unconsciously on being special. Everything that I did, I had to be the best,I had to do this. I had to do that. You know. And it was all this, like, getting acknowledgment through accomplishments, right, and being lovable because of my accomplishments, which wasn't working out so well for me, I might add, right. But that was what I had created as a small child and how to stay safe on how to be loved. ย
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And I was still playing this out as a 50 year old woman. So then I dropped into the pain of not being special. And then it made me question all my other work I had done, it was like, well, if I'm not special, am I lovable? If I'm not special, am I worthy? And having to realize that, well, yes, you are. And then it was like, well, if I'm not special, what am I? And finally, I jumped into the truth of it, right? Which I'm not special, but I'm whole. ย
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And with that brought such a sense of peace, and such a sense of beauty, it's the wholeness within us. So what I've been working on more recently is being important. ย
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So for me important is different from special, because you can be important, you don't have to be more important, you can just be important, right? And you can expect to be important to the important people in your life. So to your spouse, your partner, you know, well, hopefully your siblings, your parents, but it's a choice, right? They don't have to find your important. ย
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So the pain I've been going through recently is on realizing the lack of importance that I've had. So when I look back on my very long, you know, relationship of, you know, with my ex husband of 25, 27 years, I can't remember what it was long, it was exactly I think it's it's like it's been 20 to 25, it's been 27 years since it began. And realizing that my importance within the relationship was really just there to make him feel good about himself. And I mean, this is obviously my interpretation of it. ย
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But when you get to a point when you want to change and shift what you're doing, and you're not supported within that, where your wants and needs aren't supported. So basically, I wanted to not be a dentist anymore. And I was doing all this stuff, trying to find a different way to be able to make a sustainable income. And when you're not supported within that, where your deep desire, and you're almost like hatred for something is not important. And you're just like, no, wait, you just keep doing it, then then you realize that your wants and needs are important. And there's many other things within it, right. And this is just my narrative, my story on a situation, it doesn't mean that it's the truth, it's just my truth at the moment, right. And this is what I'm looking at letting go of. ย
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So working back on the pain of that and realizing, right, I wasn't important, who I was wasn't important, my opinions didn't matter, what I liked and what I didn't like, didn't matter, they weren't important. And things were only important actually when they aligned with his wants and needs and what he thought was important. And I didn't realize that because initially when we were together, then, you know, a lot of our wants and needs were aligned. And, you know, what he liked to do was enjoyable, so I would just go along with him. ย
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And it wasn't until later on in life where I started to, you know, be more interested in my health from a point of view of not wanting gluten and not wanting dairy and, and, you know, alkaline water and like not wanting to be a dentist anymore. And I started to deviate from his path that it became evident that actually, me and who I am and what I wanted, was not really a factor in the relationship, I was just really there to support him. So like to be a supporting role in his play, and almost like to be the mother figure that shows up and is just there to support and to nurture and to give and to love and to make them feel important. ย
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So there's a lot of pain obviously in there and in the realization of that and obviously reflecting back I didn't just fall into that by accident reflecting back through my childhood as well. My interpretation obviously this is my interpretation of something which as I said I'm looking at shifting at the moment with the process that I'm in. So now we this is we're getting into uncharted waters because my thought processes at the moment and what I'm where I'm working through. ย
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So for me, it's been this not being allowed that I've been working through, not being allowed to be important not being allowed to have wants and needs. And there's been a lot of anger inside me about that when you show up 100% in something and then realize that you as a person, your mind, your thoughts, your desires, your wants, your needs, weren't really a factor, weren't really important at all. And I've got a lot of anger around that. And I've been walking this morning and allowing that to play out. ย
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But something happened last night, I had, I had a session with one of my girlfriends who I'm coaching with, in this spiritual healing practitioner training that we were coaching at the moment with Keith Hodge. And she took me through into an ancestral healing. And at the end, when we came out, I was trying to release this thing, and I couldn't. And I realized that I had a secondary intention within this thing, I was basically releasing the thread of this ancestral healing, which was on exactly this stuff like on not being important, on being alone, on being sad and not being loved. All this stuff that I was feeling had come out in a thread and ancestrally. And I couldn't let go of it. I couldn't release it. ย
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And I realized that I had a secondary intention surrounding that, which is when I'm getting something out of it, even though I don't want it, even though I'm saying that I had on my heart and saying, I don't want this anymore, I can't let go of it, which means I'm getting something out of it. So part of me is getting something out of it. And they're not willing to let that go. ย
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So I've been walking this morning and working out what that is. And it's the part of me that was feeling important, because I wasn't important. It's a really twisty turny path when you realize that one that oh, my God, hang on, I'm getting my importance at not being important, therefore, for me to let go of not being important or not being important. And now I can't let go of it. Right. It's like this. Almost like an oxymoron. It's not about sentences about things, right that can't exist together. ย
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Anyway, and I just had this like, when I was letting my inner feminine express how she felt about this, she was just like shrieking because she was wanting to hang on to this one thing, and I realized it was this. It was this story she had created out of being wounded, the wounded, the wounded daughter, the wounded wife. And that was part of my identity. And that's the narrative I've been playing out. And here I am, like trying to sink through beneath all this stuff into oneness and wholeness. And I'm hanging on to this wounding, into this trauma and using it as a way to feel important. And I need to let it go. ย
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So where I'm at with it, and I'm pretty much at the end, I think I'm there, is the realization I had, as I was walking, I started to see glimpses through the cloud of the light coming in. That the only person I actually need to be important to is myself. And that is the only person that I can actually control being important to is myself. And I mean, when you say that, when I say that, I'm sure that you're kind of like, oh, yeah, of course. Right. And it's obvious, but we all spend, and if we're honest with ourselves, right? We all spend a large portion of time trying to be important to other people trying to make have other people make us important, find us important. And the truth is, we can't control that. They get to say who's important to them, not us. ย
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We can be the bestest in the whole wide world. And they might not think we're important. And that's okay. They get that choice. Or how we're important to them might not be how we want it to be important. Like we might be important, like almost like object transference, when they're transferring some sort of object, like anobjectification onto you where you have a purpose in their life. But it's not just us showing up as a human being and being important as a person and no matter what and being unconditionally loved, right? So sometimes we can be important in roles to people, but actually who we are is not important, or whole and that's why we can be let down and disappointed sometimes. ย
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So we spend all our time trying to control people finding us important and being important to other people. It's almost like just trying to put spark fires out. I spent a lot of energy on it. And this we've still got the fires. Or if you imagine like a castle that you have and rather than defending the castle, all of your your army is out fighting and moving around and fighting and then just moving over here and moving over here and moving over. No one's actually defending the castle right?
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Now what if all we did was not worry about what was happening outside? And all we did was worry about what's happening inside. And on being important to ourself and treating ourselves as we were the most important person in the world to us. How would that look? What do we do? What choices will be made that were different? ย
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Just have a think about that. If you were the most important person to yourself in the whole wide world, that whole put your oxygen mask on first thing right now What would you do differently? ย
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You know, more self care? Definitely. Being kinder to ourselves? Yeah. Letting go of any sort of self hatred, letting go of any sort of judgment, just being 100% important to ourself. And then do you think if we were living our life from that place of where we were the most important person in the world, and that's all that mattered, but we weren't that the fact that we were important to ourself, and we were solid within that, and we lived our our life from that place with that was all that mattered that were important to us? Do you think we would stay in relationships where we weren't found important? Or do you think it would be repugnant to us? Because we were no longer there trying to manipulate the situation to be important or to be loved, or whatever? It comes with importance, right? ย
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So let's put in a loving that was important if we loved ourselves fully, unconditionally. And that's all we worried about, right? But it's this importance, right? Will we stay in relationships where people were treating us badly? No, we wouldn't. Because we're too important for that to ourselves. And if we are 100% important to ourselves, then we're probably pretty fine by ourselves as well, we can take ourselves away from there. We're not so ripped apart, we're not so wounded, we're not so lonely, that we're trying to seek what we need from other people, because we're already giving it to ourselves. ย
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So that's the place I'm sinking into, into that, into being the most important person to myself, and how does that look? How does that change things? My wants and my needs? What are they? And how can I fulfill them. And then once I'm in that place, once I'm in that space, I know that anything that I create from there and a relationship from will be very different what I've had before because it'll be coming from a place of me, putting myself first, not in a bad way, like not as if I'm not going to be there for my partner, for my beloved knows that like not like, I'm not going to be there to do things for them. But I'm also not going to accept less than what I want. ย
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I'm not going to compromise on things that are really important to me like, Sure, sometimes we have things that are so so, we can move our boundaries. But I used to just give up on everything, on who I was, to be loved, to be important, to feel that right? It was like this, oh, like this bomb to a wound, which is exactly what it was. But until I heal that wound, then I'm going to keep doing that I'm going to keep getting less than what I want. I'm going to be keep continuously being disappointed. And I'm going to be blaming other people for when all of the time, every moment the blame is 100% on me. ย
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Because if I can't find myself to be the most important person in the world, then how can I expect anybody else to find me important? Anyway, food for thought for everyone, myself included. I'm going to keep working on this. And I think I'm almost there. So thanks for listening. I hope you got something out of it. And I will... well you'll hear me in the next podcast, which we'll be planning for it to be about feminine and masculine energies. But you know, things change when I get there. ย
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I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast. To find out more about me and ย Living Through Heart, check out donnajoyusher.com and livingthroughheart.com. There you'll find links to everything you need, including some free tools to help you and ways you can work with me on your own soul healing journey.
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