After I left my husband, my sister-in-law asked me, 'When did the ending begin?' After much reflection on that relationship and others, I realised that the ending is always at the beginning. Listen this episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast for my thoughts on this.
After I left my husband, my sister-in-law asked me, 'When did the ending begin?' After much reflection on that relationship and others, I realised that the ending is always at the beginning.
Listen this episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast for my thoughts on this.
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Welcome to the Living through Heart Podcast. I'm Donna Joy Usher. And I'm an analytical hypnotherapist, a psychotherapist, a spiritual healer, a magnetic mind coach, and a multi award winning best selling author. I believe that everybody is capable of creating whatever they want, if they can just get out of the beliefs and stories in their head. This podcast is an audio blog of my thoughts as I go on a journey to heal my soul, surrender into my feminine power, and to live from the present moment in heart. I hope you find it amusing, interesting, thought provoking, touching, raw, and inspiring.
Hello, welcome to this 38th episode of my Living through Heart Podcast. I'm Donna joy, Usher. And I have the flu. So if I sound like a man, that's why. I just got back from holidays. And of course, the morning after I got back on my flight, I woke up with the flu. But I'd rather have it after holidays and on holidays, I'm not complaining. But that's not what I'm here to talk about today about me being sick.
I want to talk about something that I've been pondering on for a while and it started, I had a conversation with my sister-in-law shortly after I left my husband. And she said to me, when did the end begin? And I thought about it. And I said, the ending is always at the beginning. And I thought about my past relationships as well. And like, yeah, the ending is always at the beginning. So that's what I want to talk about today.
Because on all my relationships, when I reflect about the things at the end that I've been unhappy with, and that have been unresolved, and that I have left, ended up breaking up over or leaving over, when I look back alone at the timeline of my relationship, those things were always there at the beginning. And it's kind of like, I got two metaphors for you.
One is like a piece of pie, you got a pie, a piece of pie. And when you're in the middle of the pie, at the very beginning of the piece of pie, it's like this tiny little thing, right. And then as time goes by, as you move into this piece of pie, the pie gets bigger and bigger and bigger until at the end, it's really, really big, right? If that metaphor works for you, this one might though.
So it's as if at the beginning of your relationship, the sun is overhead, and you're not casting a shadow. And then as the relationship goes on, as time progresses, and the sun moves across the sky, your shadow gets longer and longer and longer. And those things that were seemed okay, or were almost invisible at the very beginning, start to have more and more impact on you and wear you down more and more.
And the thing is that when we first start a relationship, you know, we're in that excited, I can jump tall buildings and a single bound, oh my god, you know, and it's all this, like amazingness that comes from this energy between these two people who are finding each other amazing, right? And we're actually feeding off the energy of them finding is amazing. And they're feeding off the energy of us finding them amazing. And it's kind of like this self fulfilling thing going on, right?
And there might be little things that annoy you or little things that you like, when they happen that didn't feel really right, or maybe not good. But it was such a small thing. And it didn't really matter because oh my god, it's amazing. He bought me flowers, or he took me out to dinner or like, you know, we're up all night talking. And it was, you know, and these things that seem really small at the beginning, are the things that 10 years down the track are really wearing you into the ground.
And the thing is, we don't talk about them in the beginning. We're not honest about the beginning, because we're scared. Well, one will have a confrontation. Two, we'll have a fight, right, a conflict or a fight. And through that the levers and we're enjoying being loved. We're enjoying experiencing love or enjoying being adored. And we're enjoying everything that comes with that, that new fresh relationship. It's like, you know, the most beautiful thing in the world. And we're not about to upset that applecart.
And what happens when we do that? What happens when we don't stand in our power? When we don't... We're not true to ourselves and our boundaries at the very beginning, Znd we don't stand up for ourselves for the things that might seem not important, right? Is that what we're doing is we're teaching our partner that they're not important, even if they are important to us, because we didn't react. We didn't say anything. And so they learn to think that that's okay.
Meanwhile, in our head, we're like, can't they see that I didn't like that or can't let me wrap my mind around that. Well, no, people can't read your mind. Right? And if we don't, don't say something about it, then they don't know. Unless they're extremely perceptive, right, which is not common. They don't realize that we didn't like it or we didn't enjoy it or we didn't agree with them, right? If we're maybe just biting our tongue or not agreeing with them about some opinion or something that they think that we agree.
And so what happens is that we give up the chance of ever having what we truly want when we don't speak our truth in the very beginning. And when we sacrifice our boundaries for love, and if you could see me right now, I'm doing the exclamation marks around the word love, right? Because the very beginning of a relationship, it's not love, you need just met this person, it's excitement. It's like, you know, we're getting off on something, we're getting validation, our ego is like loving it. And it's the excitement. It's like, being taken out of our boring, you know, life and loneliness, right? It's gone, and a cup is being filled and overflowing.
So it's not really love at that point, it's excitement, but we sacrifice our boundaries for this new love. And we don't stand up for ourselves. And because of that, we give up the chance to have that thing that is really important to us, because we didn't speak up. So that's the first thing that happens.
The second thing that we do, by not communicating, and not being truthful, and not, you know, really speaking from the heart, is that we do not only ourselves and injustice, but we do our partner and injustice, it's almost like we're lying to them. Like, it's like a white lie, by not telling them how we feel, we're actually lying to them, and letting them think that something's okay. And then later on, we blame them for that, and we resent them for it. And it's really not fair. And we do them an injustice in that, by not calling them on stuff, we would give up the chance to give them the opportunity to grow or change.
Now, within this, there is always that dance between attachment styles, neediness, you know, and if we're being overly needing and what we're wanting and stuff, it's not actually, you know, what they should be giving us. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about if you come into a relationship, and what you what you are wanting, and you're needing is actually something that is quite acceptable to desire from your partner. And then you don't voice that, or if there's an opinion, or if there's something that you don't like the way they do, or if like even if the way they're handling you, like if they do something to you.
So for instance, my husband used to do this thing that drove me crazy. And he would smack me on the arms. Sounds really bad. I don't mean like in a naughty girl away, but he would just do this thing when if he was talking, we'd be in public. And I was standing next to him. And it's like, he wouldn't even realize it was doing it right. If he was talking and getting really excited about something, he would just start smacking me on the arms. And I hated it. I really hated it. Right. And I never said anything about it until later on.
But by then, I mean, look, part of our issue was that if he found out I didn't like something that it would become like almost like, engraved for when a boy would like flick your bra strap to annoy you to show you that he likes you. Right, it was kind of like that sort of thing going on. So when he found out that I actually didn't like it, then he used to do it on purpose, which is like, not acceptable. Like, if I tell you, something's annoying me, don't do it to annoy me, because I'm gonna go away, right?
And that's partly what ended up happening. But if they're doing something, if they're handling you in such a way that you don't like, or maybe it's too, too rough for you, but you don't say anything, then they think you like it, right? And then you're complaining to people, to maybe a girlfriend's about it, when in reality, they don't realize that you don't like it. So it's not it's not fair. We're doing them an injustice when we're not speaking up.
So we let our fear of losing love or fighting or confrontation or being alone get in the way of a chance to grow a chance to have what we truly, truly want. Which seems very counter intuitive when you think about it that way. And instead what we do is we desperately want them almost like to prove how much they love us by reading our minds and give us everything that we want. But what we forget is that they're actually a three dimensional human being as well with their own wants and needs. And it's almost like we have this cutout that's meant to be just giving, giving giving to us. When in reality, they're they're wanting or needing stuff as well, they're probably doing the same thing. They're probably not voicing stuff, or they're thinking stuff and they're wishing we could read their mind. And then they're also like, well, why doesn't she do this? Or why doesn't she do that? Well, why doesn't he do this and what isn't do that? And all this stuff is already happening in the beginning. And then later on when that first love goes and the excitement dies, and then, you know, maybe we're in a relationship now and for whatever reason, even if we're unhappy, we're not leaving.
And then it becomes like a source of fighting and arguments. And instead of having good communication around things, because we didn't do it in the beginning, and because we didn't voice it the beginning, resentment builds up. And then when we do start voicing, and if we do start voicing it, we don't do it in a mature way, it becomes a fight, it becomes a, he said, she said, it becomes a throwing mud at them. And, you know, they always thought that we like something, and then they find out that we don't, or we're with, you know, we're bringing up something from the past that they weren't even aware of. And it just becomes this power struggle, the struggle between two people who were both trying to get something from each other, when in reality, we should have just been truthful from the very beginning and our boundaries in place. And if the relationship ended because of that, because we stood in our power and our truth, because we spoke up about something that we didn't like, and that we didn't want. And if that caused a rift and a break in the relationship, then that's an amazing thing, right? Because we don't want to be with somebody where we're so incompatible, that actually what we want to need, and how we feel is actually not important to them.
We want to be with someone who's compatible and unless we actually speak up, and we actually say, what we're thinking or what we like what we don't like. And once again, like, you know, there's a way to say it, I think, Episode 36, I talked about how to communicate your wants or needs, you know, to have a mature communication, where you can talk about things and to not be making what they say to you mean something about yourself or a lack of yourself. So therefore, you're not getting triggered, and you're not getting defensive, but to be able to listen to what they're saying, and then take it on board.
And once again, you know, it goes both ways. If I'm saying that it's an injustice, not to tell them what we're really wanting, or thinking or not liking, because we lose the chance, one, for ourselves to get what we want, but two, for them to listen and to make a change, or maybe to grow or you know, or maybe just to say, "Hey, thanks for letting me know about that. I didn't realize and I'll make sure I don't do that again". Because both ways, when they're telling us things that they like or they want or they don't like, then we need to take that on board, remembering that they have a right as a human being, to have their own desires, to have their own interest, to have their own opinions. And it doesn't have to be the same as ours. And how boring would that be if they were just a couple cut out of us?
You know, and what we really want to be doing with our partner is loving the difference, not turning it into a fight, not turning it into a struggle, as if because they're different us because they have a different interest or opinion to us, then somehow that means there's something wrong with us, right? But just being able to acknowledge that there are many different opinions in the world. And they're all right. Because there is no right or wrong, right? There just is.
And then if they have different interests, or they want to do something that we don't like, we don't have to do it with them, but they should still be allowed to do it. Unless it's something that is actually crossing a non negotiable boundary for you. Okay, if it was a non negotiable boundaries, well, then obviously, it's an incompatibility.
But for instance, if they want to go out fishing with their friends, once a month, they should be allowed to go fishing with their friends, once a month. IFyyou want to go for coffee with your girlfriends or dinner with your girlfriends, you should be allowed to go for dinner with your girlfriends.
The problem, I think a lot of relationships is that we come together, and we merge our lives together. And we forget to have separation. And we forget that there is beauty in separation. And that within separation, not only are you becoming a more interesting person by having contact with other people and developing stories within that, but you're also having the chance to miss each other. And you're having the chance to appreciate each other.
Because when you're with each other all the time and living in each other's pockets, then really it just becomes very humdrum, and possibly, it becomes boring, basically. I mean, we should be trying to have the most enriched life possible, alone, by ourselves. And then coming together with our partner, we bring that in and not expecting our partner to be the one who entertains us or always has to be there for us or to go places with us or to be there every night or whatever it is, right?
And our society is quite funny because we meet somebody and we fall in love and they get into a relationship and then it's like we lock ourselves inside a box, like a house, and we shut the door and then it's like we spend most of our lives inside this box, unless we're at work right, with this one person and with our family, which I actually don't think is that healthy, and then we end up resenting each other.
So have a think about relationships, maybe even the relationship you're in now, but definitely relationships in the past and why they ended and then the things that were there, and then think about the beginning of the relationship. And you'll possibly see that those things were already there.
Now, am I saying that if there's something at the beginning that you don't like then that relationship is going to work? No, I'm not. Not at all. In fact, there's always going to be things that we don't like, right, there's always gonna be things that are that, you know, we don't appreciate. And if we don't voice them, then they're unknowns.
So there's always going to be differences. And maybe it's not even things we don't like, or whatever. But maybe it's just the way they make love, maybe it's, it's like you'd enjoy it slower, and you don't say anything, and then it's always rushed. And then you're resenting them because you don't get where you want to go. And it's not about pleasure, it's all just goal orientated. And unless you say something that's never going to change.
So when you're in a relationship, if there are things that you don't like, don't be scared to speak up, and don't wait until you're resenting them so much that you're like a volcano that explodes. And then moments, you know, all over them. Just be brave. And from the very beginning, in a very calm way, voice it.
I remember, one of my mentors, the beautiful Georgia Rose was talking about this when I did a course with her. And she was talking about communication, and about how when she first got with her gorgeous partner, and she was sad about something, she was crying, and he said, "oh, don't be sad". And she said, okay, let's get one thing straight. If this is going to work between us, then don't ever tell me what to feel. And he said, hey, thanks for letting me know about that. I'll take that on board. And she said, he never ever, ever tried to tell her what to think, or feel ever again.
Now, if she hadn't said that, I should have let him get away with that, then he would have thought that it was okay to tell her not to be sad. And then every time she's crying, you would have been telling her not to be sad, and it would have been annoying her more and more and more until one day, she just explodes. And then it all comes out and have a massive fight about it. And then it would be really unfair, because the whole time she's been thinking it and he's totally unaware of it. So he's doing something that's triggering her without knowing about it, because she never told him.
So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, don't give up who you are just to be in a relationship. Don't sacrifice, what's important to you. Don't change your opinions. Don't not talk about stuff, just because you don't think they're interested in it. And certainly don't accept things that you don't like and you don't enjoy. There can be vast differences between people. And you can still make a relationship where if you're both honest with each other, and you're both respectful of each other and honoring of each other.
And in fact, it is the polarity between two people that draws them together like the the positive and negative of a magnet. You know, people who are too alike don't attract each other. It's the polarity that attracts us. And then we immediately start trying to change that person to be more like us because it makes us feel safer.
So don't fall into that trap. Appreciate your partner for their differences. And allow them to appreciate you for yours by actually voicing them in a mature and respectful way. And if you can do that, then you don't give up. You don't give up the chance to have what you want. You don't give up the chance to create something beautiful because you were too gutless in the beginning and too scared to speak up. And instead, you have the chance of creating something amazing.
So I hope I've managed to convey to you what I'm trying to say here and you get something out of this and it is thought provoking, remembering remembering remembering, if you haven't listened to the episodes about attachment styles, please go back and listen to that because everything that I talk about stems from, you know, we're talking about doing something I'm talking about coming from a healthy secure attachment style, not from being anxious or avoidant, not being needy or seeking freedom, right? You need to realize within yourself your woundings, create how you attach and what you bring from a relationship. In fact, I'm reading, I'll show this book at a moment. Being in Love.
And talking about how real love is actually only possible when we are whole inside and when we when we are over. When we are so happy within ourself alone, that we're overflowing with love that we're just giving love to our partner and not expecting anything in return. And being with them is not about what we take and not what we get. But it's just about loving and being with them and enjoying them. And it when you can come into partnership with that and I'm not saying I have it. I'm not saying I've had it.
But I'm reading this book, I can envision it and I can see how this would be a beautiful thing to be in. If you can be in a state where you are blissful by yourself, and then you choose to be with somebody and just be overflowing with love, and to be having the same come back at you. And to not have it be because it's making you feel attractive or it's stopping you from being lonely or stopping you from being boring or it's taking away any negative from you. But just being a purely for joy, then, you know, that's a beautiful life to live.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast. To find out more about me and Living Through Heart, check out donnajoyusher.com and livingthroughheart.com. There you'll find links to everything you need, including some free tools to help you and ways you can work with me on your own soul healing journey.