I've recently come to realise, how I've been creating situations in which I have unhappily existed because I wasn't truly owning my own worth. Instead, I was always compromising and devaluing my own opinions, wants and needs, to avoid confrontation and to smooth things over. And I told myself I was doing this because I was capable of 'being the bigger person' but the truth was that I wasn't valuing my own worth. Instead choosing to stay where I was; not seen, and not important, because that was safer than the unknown of going it alone, and finding something truly meaningful. In this episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast I talk through a process I am currently in, and what I have realised because of it.
I've recently come to realise, how I've been creating situations in which I have unhappily existed because I wasn't truly owning my own worth. Instead, I was always compromising and devaluing my own opinions, wants and needs, to avoid confrontation and to smooth things over. And I told myself I was doing this because I was capable of 'being the bigger person' but the truth was that I wasn't valuing my own worth. Instead choosing to stay where I was; not seen, and not important, because that was safer than the unknown of going it alone, and finding something truly meaningful.
In this episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast, I talk through a process I am currently in, and what I have realised because of it.
You can connect with me on:
Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/livingthroughheart)
Instagram (@livingthroughheart)
Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/@livingthroughheart/)
LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/donnajoyusher)
Hi, it's Donna Joy Usher, and welcome to Living Through Heart.
Today I wanted to talk about owning your worth.
And the reason I want to talk about it is because, it's what I'm going through at the moment.
So I mean, I don't know if you've ever listened to the very first, either my podcast or video that I ever did where my intent in Living Through Heart is to really share my journey and not to set myself up as an expert in any way, shape, or form.
But to always be being showing up and being really truthful with where I'm at.
To hope that, you know, I'm touching the hearts of other people that are going through the same thing and allowing them, giving them you know, allowing themselves to be moving through stuff as well, we can often you know, resist feeling things and resist going through things because we think that we should be perfect, or we think that we should be this.
But the truth is that we already are perfect, and we already are worthy.
But we have to go into the stuff to release it so that we can be it.
And that's the journey I'm on.
Now, either a week or two ago, I can't remember which episode it was, I spoke about how I had gone back into a situation to trigger shit up.
Maybe I'm a bit of a masochist, but I had I've spent like a good eight months going through a process of recognizing and releasing anxious attachment that I had, and seeing how this was there in all my relationships.
More with masculine, more with men, but definitely with women as well, you know, but not in, not in, with the women are much more insecure attachment.
But with men, definitely, there's fear of abandonment there's fear of rejection, not being good enough, and always having to not be high maintenance, almost like I have to tiptoe around in case they kind of realize I'm there, and then kick me out.
And then on the other hand, also grieving not being seen for who I am.
So it's a process I'm still going through in the the tail end of it now.
And I'm sure it's always been something I'm going through with it.
But the tail end of it now where it's kind of like starting to recognize my own worth and my own wants and needs and my boundaries and working through that.
And what am I allowed to have, you know, what is not high maintenance, because that's sort of where I've been my whole life. And you know, I'm 51, now.
How to rewrite 51 years of programming.
Anyway, so I had gone into something probably about eight months ago that had, oh, my god trigger me into anxious attachment, like nothing on it.
Like I've never, I didn't even know, the anxious attachment until this moment.
And the pain, the physiological pain of it.
And I spent six months moving through that and just going into it again and again and again.
And every time I came through it a little bit, I would throw myself back in there to trigger it up.
And then I spent four months, finalizing the process and getting to a point where I was, yeah, I think I'm good.
And then I went back in.
And what I realized, and what I said was that the anxious attachment wasn't there, the energy wasn't there.
And instead what I felt was was his hollowness, this lack and I realized that this what I had been filling this hollowness up with had been my energy.
And I had been in there all loved up in there just taking crumbs, it might have been the crumb, it might have been the podcast I talked about crumbs, just taking these crumbs, these little morsels that were given to me and then blowing them up like balloons until they're really big and made me feel amazing about myself.
And that was no longer there.
And there was this emptiness there instead and a real lack and it was very unsatisfying.
Not to have that loved-upness, right?
And I thought that that was, that was the lesson.
That was the lesson just showing me the difference was when my energy wasn't in there, making things mean something about myself and how amazing I was, right, which is that's really what my ego was getting out of it.
And interpreting these things in such a way to give me this need, this neediness that I had to have to fulfill that.
And I thought that this was just the lesson that what it looks like without that and it was really unsatisfying, and kind of like I'm like, oh my god is that what relationship is going to be like from now on?
And then I realized, I just swallowed a little bug.
That's not what I realized actually just swallowing bugs.
Right.
And then I realized something.
I realized that my inner feminine has been on a right old rampage for the last couple of days.
And she's in my head, she is being very dramatic.
She, she's very dramatic, which is interesting, right?
Because I'm quite calm on the surface but I have this feminine energy that I'm only letting to embrace now because I've spent my whole life in my masculine.
Not meaning I'm a man, but running a masculine energy of always having to achieve and always having to do and working really hard and always having to be the best and yeah, not allowing my creative side, right?
So my inner feminine is still maturing, she's still growing up.
I'm still being with her and allowing her, and at the moment, she's like running around my hair just shrieking and throwing shit, right and demanding lots and lots of ice cream.
She wants ice cream, and I'm not giving it to her.
Because I know it's not going to make it any better.
All it's gonna do is make me fat.
But I was like, okay, so if my inner feminine is going apeshit at the moment, then there's something else going on here.
And so what is it?
So I've been sitting with it, and allowing it, and digging into it.
And what I realized was, how replaceable I've been.
And I don't want to be replaceable anymore.
And it all comes down to I mean, this many is always multifactorial, right, we create this stuff, we bring it in, we allow it, first we attract the people that can do it.
But then we allow it and all this stuff going on.
So let me speak into this a little bit more.
There's something called Object Transference.
So transference is when we transfer on to somebody else something so it might be, you're transferring on to somebody the energy of your mother, and often happens when we're being triggered out by something that we have, we have transference going on.
So someone's triggering it, it's often in that moment, it's us transferring something onto them from our past.
So it's something it's reminding us of the past.
And we're in the emotion in that moment.
And it may be that something they've said, has reminded us of our mother or our father or some shitty childhood friend that we had our first boyfriend or whatever.
And that's triggered up all this energy within us.
And now we're transferring it onto this person and blaming them for this and this moment.
So that's an example of transference.
So there's something called Object Transference.
And as a therapist, when I'm first working with a client, we really want them to be seeing us as an object that is just there to help them get what they want, basically.
And the reason that we want that is because we don't want them transferring stuff onto us like we don't want them seeing us as their friend, or we don't want to see them as their mother.
Know at that point later, that can be useful.
But initially, it's about them just seeing us as this object is going to help them achieve their needs.
And then this opens up a space that gets to be all about them and what's going on for them.
I won't go into how we use transference in different ways, but just to explain what object transference is.
So object is when when you're seeing somebody as just something that is so you can achieve something or have something, and they don't have an identity within that moment.
You're not seeing them for who they are, you're just seeing what you can get out of them being there or from them.
And there's a lot of relationships out there that have object transference in them.
And the reason I know this is because there was a lot of object transference in my long-term relationship that I'm coming out of, I've been out of it for a couple of years, but you know, finishing at the tail end of chatting stuff up at the moment.
And there's a lot of object transference there where I was the object that enabled my partner, to feel good about himself, or to have someone to tell his opinions to. or just to be there with him, or he watched telly or, you know, it's really about what he a lot of it was what he got out of me being there, and not who I was.
And that led to a lack of support from my dreams. And my, and because my if my dreams did not match his or what he understood, then there was no space for me to have that dream.
So also, my wants and needs weren't important, because I wasn't a three dimensional individual that was allowed their own wants and needs and their own opinions.
I wasn't seen for who I was, I was just seen for what I can bring to the table.
So I mean, obviously that's not 100% of the time, I'm sure there were moments of you know, beauty within and where I was, you know, seen a little bit more and maybe earlier on, but definitely by the end, there was no there was no room for me to have my own identity, it was an object transference.
And I allowed that.
I stayed in it, and I allowed it.
And, I'm still doing it, right.?
And so this is what I've realized in this moment.
So when I went back into this thing to trigger it up, I realized a very, I could see the common energy of this person and what I had had before where the conversation was never about me, was never about what I was interested in, was never about what I want.
But just I was like that.
And I think in a way too, it's not just object transference, but mother transference.
So I'm there showing up with this energy, and then I'm there to make them feel good about them.
Which is like what the mother didn't do or what they didn't get from their mother, in this moment, and I'm not saying that their mothers weren't amazing and weren't wonderful and stuff, but you know, mothers get distracted mothers have many kids and sometimes mothers just can't be there to give everything that child feels that they need in that moment.
So I'm not having a go at these people's mothers at all in any way, shape or form.
But it's like you know, us, what we, what we get out of something, what we make something mean about ourselves, right?
So I realized it's commonality between this person that I've used now that I've that triggered out my anxious attacher.
And how I'm not a three dimensional person there as well, like, they wouldn't even realize that this is the thing, they wouldn't even realize it.
And probably because they're not being really honest with themselves about who they are, what's they're, just living more in the surface layer, and not actually diving deep into who they are themselves.
And I think that when we don't do that, when we're not real with who we are.
And we're not on that journey of self-discovery and self-development, that we're not able to hold space for other people to be who they are, right?
Because there's a real threat within that, there's a real danger within that.
It's much safer to just believe that everybody has the same belief and opinions as us.
And it was so interesting to observe my ex-partner, when he would use a blanket clause on something, nobody likes that.
Another example was if netball was on telly, and he was he was like wanting to see the football or something instead, nobody likes netball.
And I would say, well, obviously they do, because look, they're they're playing it, and there's people watching it.
But he really had this, nobody likes that.
And it's this way of like, self protection.
When you do that, when you have, when you can't allow other people to have opinions or to have like, so different to yours or dislikes that are different to you.
It comes from trying to stay safe.
Because when people have different opinions to us, and different likes and wants and needs to us, then that means that we're not right.
Or does it?
Does it mean that they're not right.
Or, does it mean that maybe we're all right, and that everybody's allowed their own opinion.
And until you have safety within, and are able to strip away those layers of needing to be right having to control situations to stay safe.
You can't allow other people to have their own opinions, to have their own wants and needs that are different to yours, because it's very threatening on a very primitive layer.
And it's very unconscious, like you wouldn't even be aware that it was happening, but it's the unconscious, trying to stay safe.
And seeing everybody else that doesn't believe the same thing as you as the enemy.
Because you don't know how, it's like a personal attack could come at you.
So this is where the object transference comes on.
So if somebody is just there, just to meet your needs, you're not seeing them, you're not allowing them to have their own wants and needs, their own opinions and just certainly not embracing them for their difference.
Like you're not being mesmerized by how their mind works.
And like, fascinated by why they think that thing without trying to force your own opinion onto them.
And that's basically what happened to me.
So I went to this situation, I realized that there was no, you know, conversation in regards to ask me about myself and just conversation coming at me about how they were.
And then I'm like, why am I just meant to talk about myself.
But if they were interested, they'd ask questions, right?
Like, you know, when you get with your girlfriend, you ask questions, how are you?
What's going on with this?
What's going on that, because we're interested in who they are and where they're at, right?
I'm like, is it just a male thing?
I got some male friends that ask questions.
So no, it's not just a male thing.
But they just talk at you, right?
And then I'm realizing, Oh, it's just me there to listen, so that he feels good and safe.
And then I did share one thing about my life and where I'm at, at the moment, what's going through, and then instead of listening and allowing me to share it, it was straightaway, like, what I should be thinking about that or what I should be doing within that.
And, and it's always fascinating to me, when somebody does that to you when what you're actually saying is what they're saying, but they don't see that because they're so like, quick to want to show you how you should be thinking and to be the expert in that moment.
That they're not even taking the time to listen to what you're saying or trying to understand where you're coming from.
Because when we observe something, there's normally a reflection, right?
Because it's something that, it's maybe in our shadow, so that's just come to me right now.
Something else for me to work on.
Where am I doing this in my life to people?
Where am I having to show up as the expert?
Where am I having to be always right all the time.
So there's obviously somewhere in my life.
And stay tuned for the next episode on this one, right.
But coming back to the self worth.
So I've been going into these situations where I'm allowing myself to be the object that makes them feel better about themselves, and then getting frustrated when I'm not seen for who I am.
And then still going in there, right and allowing it and then expecting something to change.
And that's that Einstein's definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome, not going to be a different outcome, right.
So I need to change what I'm doing.
And then I started to think about how, when I was network marketing, a long, long time ago, in a far off universe.
One of the things that they used to say was, and it was to inspire you to work really hard, if you had a passive income of say, just even $10,000 coming in every month, for a few years.
And then all of a sudden, it was taken away from you.
You would stop at nothing to get that back, because you knew how it felt.
You knew how amazing it was just to have this money hitting your bank account every month, allowing you to have the freedom that you wanted in life, right.
And they were trying to inspire you into feeling what that felt like now, so you'd go out and create it.
And what I realized, in this, looking at that, was that if I had ever in all in my life, being fully loved for exactly who I am by a male now, because I have been loved for who I am by many of my girlfriends, right?
They see me, they love me, they hold space for me, they allow me, and I'm sure sometimes they wonder what crazy shit I've gotten into this time, but they still love me, right?
But I've never had that from a man.
I've never been in a relationship with a male where I have been able to show up and have them hold space for me to talk about who I am.
And for them to not try and mansplain just stuff to me, right?
To tell me what I should be thinking, to tell me what I should be feeling, or just to just be totally dismissive of my feelings and my wants and my needs.
But just to have someone actually celebrate me for who I am, I've never had that.
And I've never been loved like that.
And I can't imagine, sadly, how fucking amazing that must be.
I mean, I can guess it would be amazing.
Part of me also finds it quite scary, right?
When I talk about, I think about that, because it's that whole like, Oh my God, for that to be that amazing?
How painful is that going to be to lose that.
As opposed to when I stay in something that's not that amazing.
It's not as painful, right?
So it's almost like this, this part of me that fears having that, because of how painful it would be to have it taken away from me and there's that anxious attach are coming up, that fear of rejection, that fear of abandonment again, right.
So that's the patenting of the old.
And really what I need is a corrective experience where I am held like that, and I am loved like that.
So I can learn that that is safe, and to have that abandonment.
And I'm sure that one day if I hold out for that, and I stop allowing myself to go into situations where I don't have that just for the crumbs that I'm getting, right.
But if I hold out for a place where I'm not replaceable, and I own my own worth, and I am loved like that, and I know how amazing that feels.
And I would never ever, ever, ever accept anything less.
So for me to get to that I need to stop saying yes to being an object for somebody else's satisfaction.
And to not having my worth recognized and to being replaceable, because that's basically when you're not seen, when you're not held as fascinating and mesmerizing, and you're not loved in that way.
You're just totally replaceable.
And I'm not saying that we are replaceable.
But it's almost like, the person that they think we are as replaceable because they're not seeing us for who we truly are.
And we're not, we're not showing up as who we truly are.
Because if we would be, we wouldn't be in that relationship because they wouldn't be safe for them and it just wouldn't work.
So we're dumbing ourselves down. I'm gonna say we I mean, maybe I'm not I'm dumbing myself down.
I'm not speaking my truth.
I'm not standing in my power and demanding my wants and needs but I'm just taking what I can get.
Because part of me thinks that that's better than nothing.
But then my inner feminine is having a freakout because she's sick and tired of not being seen.
Anyway, I think I've got there.
Thank you for listening.
So basically what I'm saying is, just have a think about, you know where you are now.
And where you're at.
And if you're in a situation where you feel like you're not being seen, have a think about why that is, what is it within you?
Are you not seeing your own worth?
Are you not speaking up for some fear?
Are you not speaking up and about your own opinions and stuff?
Because your fear of confrontation.
Now the opposite, sometimes we go on really hard, and it becomes very confrontational because we're fighting all the time to be seen.
And I think early on in my relationship with my ex, I was a bit more like that fighting to the scene.
And in the end, I just, I think I just stopped because it was easier.
And I realized that I could compensate for it, and I could adjust, and I could compromise and that made everything smooth.
And I stopped, I stopped trying to be seen when in reality, I should have just at that point called it right.
So let my words sink in, just absorb in, and then see what comes up.
And ask yourself, am I replaceable?
And I know, I know, I'm replaceable, in this instance, in this moment, because, in the months when I wasn't there, this person took another lover.
And rather than reach out to me, you know, I was replaceable, totally replaceable, right?
Yeah, that's fucking painful.
To see that, to feel that, and to know that, right.
And part of the reason I went back in is because I was working on some stuff surrounding that, right.
But, that's not the point of this talk.
So yeah, am I replaceable?
What am I allowing myself to be replaceable?
Am I allow myself just to show up for how this other person wants to live their life, for their comfort, to their safety?
Am I not in my power?
Am I not, do I don't have my wants and needs?
Do I allow my wants and needs to not be important?
To allow them to get taken away from me and compromise continuously me being the one that's compromising, to keep the peace in the relationship.
Because if it is, if it's you always having to be and this is for men and women, right, it can go both ways.
If you're the one that's always having to compromise to keeping the peace in the relationship, then, that's not on.
Because, it's like you have continuously shutting down parts of yourself, and dulling yourself, and stopping your full brilliance from being there, to make that other person feel safe.
And really, I mean, we're not doing them a service doing that.
We're allowing them to stay in their cocoon of safety, rather than breaking out and giving them the chance to grow as well.
Now, either they'll take that chance, and they'll go on the growing journey with you or they won't, and that gives you the answer there that you need.
So if you're on a growing journey, and you're into self development, and you're into trying to become get into your own wholeness and work through your shit, and they're not.
It's never going to work.
Because you're always going to be able to observe a situation, and to compromise, and to conform, so that they don't have to.
But that's still not being true to ourselves and to owning our own worth.
Now, I'm not saying that we need to go in or hard ass, bitch face, and like be like, this is what I want.
Because that's also a safety thing, right?
If we can't negotiate wants and needs with someone, then really, it's something to do with our own safety and how we don't feel safe.
And if we and then we're that person right we're that person that's always making the other person compromise, always making the other person pick up after it's always making the other person do everything within the relationship and doing all the compromising.
So there's definitely negotiation within relationship and healthy conversations and healthy boundaries.
And not making shit mean stuff about yourself.
If your partner wants something different to what you wanted, don't make it mean something about you.
And well it comes back to lack of safety, right?
When they want something different to us, and we make it mean something about us, then we need to go in and have a look at what that is.
Because it's not about the now it's all about the past.
So healthy relationships have healthy conversations, they have wants and needs, they have boundaries, and they have negotiation.
They don't have one person who gets to say how it is and write the rulebook, and the other person just tiptoeing around or conforming and compromising to keep the peace, which is how a lot of relationships are very 90-10 or even 100-0 or 80-20.
No, that's not right.
It should be 50-50.
And, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone, and there is no movement there for you to have your own wants and needs and you really need to rethink where you're at and why you're there.
What are you getting out of it?
And how amazing would it be to actually be in something or if by yourself, right?
You're meeting your own wants and needs, or to be in something where your wants and needs are being met.
So, own your worth.
Don't be replaceable.
And when you own your worth for yourself, and you hold out for something amazing, then you'll find it.
So this is me saying that I'm going to own my worth.
And I'm going to hold up for something amazing.
And I'm going to stop just wanting something because it's going to mean something about me, right?
Which is what I've been doing.
And instead hold out for something fucking amazing.
And in the meantime, not make my whole life be about holding out for something amazing, but just enjoying myself, fulfilling my own wants and needs.
And having a blast doing it.
Stay tuned for more self-observations on this, and I hope you have an amazing week.
\