I admit it, my ego reared its head recently. The need to be right overtook me for a time, a response to some irrational fear I was experiencing. Luckily I have some good girlfriends who were not afraid to point it out to me. Listen to this episode of The Living Through Heart Podcast to find out more about it and what I learned from the experience.
I admit it, my ego reared its head recently. The need to be right overtook me for a time, a response to some irrational fear I was experiencing. Luckily I have some good girlfriends who were not afraid to point it out to me. Listen to this episode of The Living Through Heart Podcast to find out more about it and what I learned from the experience.
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Hello, I'm Donna Joy Usher from Living Through Heart.
Today I want to talk to you about ego.
So basically the reason I want to talk about this is I was working out the other day, I do this really cool yoga app.
It's called DDP yoga.
If you haven't heard of it, go check it out.
It's basically resistance yoga, created by a guy DDP who used to be one of the pro wrestlers in America.
Anyway, it's my, it's what I do to maintain strength and resistance and flexibility and all that good stuff, right?
Anyway, I was doing a workout and one of the one of the instructors was talking about adapting, so adapting the exercise to make it more possible for you, if you couldn't do it the way he was doing it, so that you could go longer and go harder.
And basically, they have a saying, you know, make the DDP yoga your own.
So if you can't do it this way, then do it in an easier way so that you can get it done.
And he said, "Don't let your ego get in the way".
And it really struck home for me, because recently, I've been really struggling with, well, ego, and really caught up in my head and having trouble being in my heart.
And what's been happening for me is I'm going through a period of time through, you know, creating financial separation from my, my partner, my ex partner.
And I've been having a lot of fear coming up.
And battling against the same kind of like negativity energy, that have been in my life, within situations, patriarchal situations within work and with home life, where I have to kind of like shrink myself, and scurry and almost like I'm trying to work under the radar to get what I need to get done done so that I'm not incurring disappointment, or I mean, not wrath, but for me, disappointment is really harsh, because when someone's disappointed in me, it like brings up a lot of shame and you know, fear of rejection, and that's my trigger.
If someone's disappointed in me, don't use that against me.
Anyway, it's his whole, like, my ex partner being disappointed in like how little we're worth or in, you know, basically the whole process of what's going on, right.
And if we're going to be honest, like not taking any responsibility, kind of caught up in victim mentality.
And I'm having to organize everything and get everything done, and go through the stress and strain of that, while also pushing against this emotional like response I'm having at the moment, to this disappointment and everything that is triggering up in me.
And what's been happening is that I've been responding from the space of fear, because I don't feel safe.
And there's definitely been some sadness there.
But the way I have been coping with it is falling back into a really old mechanism of mine, of needing to be right.
Because when I'm right, I'm safe.
And it's something that I've done a lot of work on.
And I've dissolved, I had dissolved while I thought it but then in my the tantra embodiment practitioner training that I'm doing at the moment, the homework just happened to be talk to your friends about what do they think's in your unconscious?
And what do they think your blind spot is, so I kind of like, I know, everything in my conscious, I don't have any blind spots, and I gave it to two of my best girlfriends.
And they both came back with the same thing.
Basically, what it was, is this need of mine to be right was still there.
It wasn't as great as it used to be.
But you know, when when something is like a mountain, because when you're used to climbing the mountain, and then it's just a small hill than the effort required is almost, it doesn't take up any effort, right?
And you don't even notice the hill. I can remember side note here, when I used to live in, you might have beach with my ex partner.
And I wrote bicycle up the road to the shops one day, and it's not far, I was so unfit.
And I came back and I went up that hill was really tough.
And my husband looked at me and he's like,
"What Hill?",
and when I went out and had a look at later there really was no hill it was really slight grade that I had to go up but it was taking effort on my thighs and I was so unfit that to me it was really hard work right?
So what I'm saying here is that for me when I was like always having to be right and I could feel this energy within me and this this ego that was running through me and this like this lack of safety that was there when I was always in that and then I had mentioned to dissolve some of that I felt it was all gone but it still was running there as a program and it was being triggered up by this this fear and lack of safety that I've been in currently.
So that led me to when he when he said this
"Don't let your ego get in the way"
I had had the conversation with my one of my really good girlfriends the day before and she had shared with me how it had been making her feel and how she had felt like there was this hierarchy structure between us.
And you know, she's studying psychology and counseling at the moment, and she felt like she couldn't talk to me about what she was learning because the way I would respond when she would talk to me about it, I mean, obviously, there's some transference and stuff going on from both directions within this.
And in reality, I was actually fascinated by what she was saying, but I wasn't, I wasn't, I was just listening. And she thought talk that is like, I wasn't interested.
And then adding to that, sometimes when she said something that was different to what I had learned, and that I would come in, and I would need to be right.
And that was making her feel really compressed.
And really, she was shutting down basically, because of it.
So the conversation made me really be real with myself.
And I had to go in and ever really think about this ego thing and why it was coming up.
And then I started to think about, well, what is the ego?
What is it?
So I did some research.
So basically, the ego, the word Ego was Latin.
And it means I.
So it's the Latin word for I.
So that's really simply put, right that is what does ego mean.
And then Freud took it, and he actually created something called Ego Psychology.
And he had the Id, the Super Ego and the Ego.
And the Id is like that primitive part of us, the one who's like, the really safety thing, right?
Like it acts to stay safe, it's aggressive, and it's like sexual, so it wants to procreate.
And it wants to protect it's like, protect its territory, basically.
So that's the Id, it comes from more of an animal kind of more like without, I guess, without the frontal lobe cortex sort of side of it.
It's more just like instinctive stuff going on.
Then the Super Ego is like that, like, we're, you know, the amazing part of us that actually, let me read it here, I wrote it down for you.
So the Super Ego, the Super Ego is the moral conscious part, right.
So it's the part that wants to do good, wants to do, right.
So we've got on one hand, we've got this Id who was just out for itself, to stay safe.
And then the Super Ego, which is the moral conscious part, which doesn't want to hurt people or wants to be nice to people wants to be liked, and wants to do the best in the world.
And you know, all that stuff.
And then in between those two is the Ego.
And the Ego mediates between the Id, and the Super Ego.
And then Erik Erikson took that further, and he believed that the Ego was more than just a mediator between the two between the Id and the Super Ego.
And he said that it is a positive driving force in human development and personality.
So the Ego's main job is to establish and maintain a sense of identity.
Which is really when we talk about ego, most people see ego is just like this negative thing.
Oh, you're very egotistical, aren't you?
But really, what the ego is, is that sense of self that sense of personality.
And cognitive sciences said that the part of the mind, it's a part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
So basically, it's kind of going more along with Erik Erikson.
So for me, I really feel my ego, when I'm not in my heart.
And when I'm in my head, and it's almost like this split personality thing going on, when I'm in my heart, and I'm really in a deep sense of self, which I guess we could call ego, right.
But when I'm in a deep sense of self, and connectedness, and I'm not triggered, I'm not responding, I can observe my thoughts.
I'm not reacting to stuff.
And then when I'm not in that state, like what I haven't been lately, when I'm around my head, and I'm kind of go more into that primitive, like trying to keep myself safe, allowing my unconscious to rule right and trigger up stuff, then for me, that kind of feels more like ego.
So that's just my interpretation of how it feels for me, it doesn't have to be your interpretation of how it feels for you, it doesn't have to be right for you.
And that's the beautiful thing about the human existence.
We're all right.
There is no right, there's no wrong, right, that's just a duality that we created to try and stay safe.
And that's what I've been doing, I've been caught up in that duality of trying to stay safe by making somebody else wrong, so that I can be right.
Rather than just allowing everybody to have their opinion and where they're at in life.
And not to be having to put somebody else down and their opinions and thoughts down so that I can feel safe.
And what I'm doing, it doesn't feel like that's what I'm doing right. I'm just like trying to, like work out, you know, if I am right.
Oh, they said that.
So then I start questioning and I start getting information but there's a person on the other end, it's like they're being attacked, right?
Like, oh, these questions and coming from and, and, and when I look at it, I mean, that's really what I'm doing.
I'm trying to like get all the facts and the information that I need from for me to be right for my ego to be right.
But the thing about that is that when we need to be right 100% of the time, then somebody else needs to be wrong 100% of the time
And that's not a nice place to live life from, when somebody else is always right, and you're always wrong.
And it might feel great if you're the one that's always right.
But I mean, in truth, it probably doesn't feel great either, right?
Because you then have to keep being right.
And this is continue like struggle to always be right that's going on.
And that's not a great place to live from either.
So have a think about in life.
Just have a think about, you know, how you respond to stuff, whether or not you need to be right.
Like whether or not you get into arguments quite often, whether or not you're defending, your need to be right, your opinions, what's true for you, by forcing that unto somebody else and expecting them to just become a mirror of you.
And for them to have exactly the same opinions.
And for them to think that's what's right is right, right.
Because we're all so different.
And we all have such different past experiences that have created who we are right now, like within the neurology of the brain, and the way we're wired and our belief systems that all comes from, we all have different pasts, or different experiences, and how we interpret those things creates our ego, right?
Because it's created that unconscious, and our ego is part of our conscious and our unconscious.
And, you know, we're often attracted to people who are very different to us, because of their polarity.
And because their interest in this like energy where we attract someone with very different to.
And then if we have this thing going on where we have this need to be right to feel safe.
And because when we dig into it, that's really what is at the very bottom of all of this, that need to be saved and need to be accepted into the herd that needs to be important that need to be worthy.
I used to think when I was doing hypnotherapy with clients, and I would get down to the belief system, and it was like, I'm not worthy. I'm not lovable.
And I thought that that was the bottom.
Because for me emotionally, that was, you know, there was a lot of emotion there linked into those things.
And when you can get someone to identify what they really believed in a moment.
And it takes a lot of digging to get down through the layers often, didn't get down to this belief system of what was formed in a moment.
And they realized that they felt they weren't worthy.
And that's the place they've been living their life from this whole time.
There's a lot of emotion linked to that's caught in the body.
But underneath all of that, except bare bones, that base of the unconscious mind just wanting to be safe.
And I feel now that that is the base of everything.
And I've lost my train of thought sorry.
So basically, I think what I was saying is that, when we have this one, we're working from a sense of needing to be right all the time.
And then that's right, okay, so we attract someone to us.
And they're dramatically different to who we are and what we are, right, because that's the attraction, and then we start forcing our opinions and what we think is right onto them, to try and mold them into us in a way because then that makes us feel safe.
Because even though we attract them to us, and we're attracted to them, because of that differences, the same differences make us feel unsafe.
And we want to feel safe in relationship.
And this is very unconscious thing.
So then this is where confrontation comes in.
And arguments come in, because we're always trying to force our stuff onto them.
And they're trying to force this stuff onto us.
And basically, we're trying to make them more like us.
And then if we do if you meant to squash them, like a bug and turn them into another version of us, then we lose interest in them.
And, oh, he's not like manly enough anymore, because we squashed that out of him.
And we stopped him from being able to go to the pub with his mates or I mean, it's not a very good example.
But you know, we stopped them from doing all those things that they were doing, that we were attracted to, but maybe we didn't actually want to be a part of, and now they're just doing stuff with us.
And now they don't have their own interest anymore.
And we're not attracted to that anymore.
And I know, you know, I had that with my partner a little bit where I basically ended up doing everything and organizing everything.
And he allowed me to, but I was quite happy to run with that, because that gave me a sense of control, which is the safety thing, right?
And then I would resent him for it and not respect him because he was quite happy to sit back and let me take the ball and run with it all the time.
So within two people in a relationship, and it's not just in intimate relationship, it's with our friends as well.
You know, we need to allow them to be their own identity and give them that respect as an adult as a human being to have their own likes and wants and needs and opinions without us smacking them down for it.
And have a think about that.
Why do you shut somebody down?
Or why do you shut somebody down?
Or what do you choose not to be with somebody, if they're trying to force their own stuff upon you, right?
I mean, we need to stop forcing our stuff onto other people.
And just be aware that it's our stuff.
And that this stuff that we believe does not actually make us, right.
It's just our beliefs, it's just what's right for us, doesn't have to be right for that person, it doesn't have to be right for that person, it doesn't even have to be right for our own partner.
And when we can get to the place where we are safe within our own body, without anybody else having to create that safety for us, then we can allow other people to be who they are, and be fascinated by them.
And be with them without there having to be confrontation, without us having to go into like clashing of the wills, for somebody has to be right and somebody has to be wrong.
And instead, we can then just enjoy people for who they are, and really appreciate them.
And that is a really beautiful place to pick out to come from, when we can just really listen and be actively listening to someone and trying to understand them, and who they are, and where they come from, and what they believe, and why they believe that and allow them that allow them to respect to have who they are.
Just as we allow ourselves to respect to be who we are.
And when you can have relationships with people like that, where they're giving you the same, and that's a really beautiful freedom to be in.
And the problem is that, you know, we spent all our time in relationship with others, trying to be like safe and heard and important and this and that, but then we're not giving the same respect to other people.
And instead, we're making, we're always making stuff mean something about ourselves, right?
So if somebody else makes us wrong, or somebody else doesn't have the same opinion as us, or somebody else says something that we don't agree with, then it's what we make it mean to us, as opposed to it's just their stuff, that they don't believe that they have this different opinion, it doesn't have to make us feel unsafe, if we're not the same.
And people do tend to hang out with other people who are the same, right?
Because there's, there's a comfort there, there's a comfort in that.
And if you can hang out with people who have the same opinion as you, then you feel safe.
It's like a herd running in a herd mentality.
But it is not a great place to be in that you have to be hanging out with people the same as you to have that sense of safety, as opposed to just being able to do the work and be able to be in heart.
And just to be able to feel safe no matter what.
Anyway, I hope this has given you some stuff to think about.
Don't let your ego get in the way and have a think about when you can feel that.
For me. It's like this whole, coming up, I can feel it's like the Tsar comes into attack Dogra, and I can feel it because I'm in my head.
And there's like activity and thoughts, and I'm not calm, and I'm not peaceful.
And it can take me a long time to get out of that.
I find it's quite when I'm working with clients that I'm taking them to a deep induction to bring them to hypnotherapy, it brings me down to and I have to get back into hearts.
So like just that meditation, sitting with self, being fully present in your body, breathing into your heart chakra and letting go and just observing what is there.
What is coming up for you?
What thoughts are there, and realizing that these intrusive thoughts for me, that's what they are when they come up.
These intrusive thoughts of what I determine the ego, right?
For me anyway.
And maybe it's the Id, right?
Bringing in these intrusive thoughts.
When I can observe them, and not actually be hijacked by them, not take them on.
I can just allow them.
And I can breathe and analyze them, see where they're coming from and be able to see well, what is the belief that's underneath that?
What am I trying?
What is my mind trying to protect me from how why is it doing this?
What is it trying to gift me with because it's always trying to keep us safe, right?
Even these intrusive thoughts that are really, it's just, it's trying to keep us safe in its own weird little way, right?
But if I can observe these thoughts as they come up and observe them and understand why they're there, and then breathe into that and breathe into that, okay, I have fear, I have fear in my body.
I have fear at the moment that somehow I'm going to end up with nothing, which is what's been happening, right and it's off the end of the scale.
It's never gonna happen.
But this fear is there that like, after, you know, all these years of all my hard work and you know, investing in all this stuff that's somehow in this financial separation I'm going to be deemed not important, which is one of my beliefs, and then just be like, smacked down and have it all taken away.
And my breathe into that fear and allow it to run in my body.
And I acknowledge it.
And I just keep breathing and breathing and breathing in.
And then sometimes what actually helps is to sit with the fear of the worst case scenario.
And actually breathe into that and allow it to be there.
And allow all the emotions that are attached to that.
And there might be, you know, despair, rage, you know, all this stuff that's attached with this fear and allowing that to move through me and breathe through it and express it in whatever way that I need to.
And then when I get to the other side, and I have fully accepted the worst case scenario, and realize that it's okay, I'm still alive, I'm still safe, I still have friends who love me, I'm going to be okay, no matter what.
It's okay, I still have ways I can make money, I still have ways I can survive.
It's okay, I'm safe, then nothing else is going to impact me right.
And that can be a scary thing to do, to breathe into that and to allow it.
And then from that place, you can actually reflect back on the real situation, the reality of what's happening, and realize it's not as dire as what you think.
And that this fear of the worst case scenario is actually not a possibility even and then you can come back.
So it's almost like you climb that mountain, right?
You climb that mountain with your emotions and with your fears and everything.
And then what you realize is actually there is just a molehill and then that becomes okay, and you're not being triggered by it.
So that's something that I do sometimes when I can feel a fear of something there, I allow myself to go into it fully, to feel the worst case scenario and then from there from that place of peace, I can reflect back and say, okay, it's actually not that bad.
And then I can just let it all go.
And as per usual, you know, if you feel like you need more you got questions or you need support, reach out to me at donnajoyusher.com.
Okay, I will see you in the next video.