We all think that being happy and felling pleasure is a fore gone conclusion. But what if it were hard-wired into our brains that being happy was not safe? How do you think that would impact your life? Listen to this episode of The Living Through Heart Podcast to understand how this is possible, and how you can overcome it and have exactly what it is that you want in your life.
We all think that being happy and felling pleasure is a fore gone conclusion. But what if it were hard-wired into our brains that being happy was not safe? How do you think that would impact your life? Listen to this episode of The Living Through Heart Podcast to understand how this is possible, and how you can overcome it and have exactly what it is that you want in your life.
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Hello, it's Donna Joy Usher, and welcome to this 49th episode of the Living through Heart Podcast.
And today, I want to talk about, is it safe to feel pleasure?
And by pleasure, I mean, happiness, pleasure, joy, bliss, all those sorts of things.
And that may seem like a funny question.
And straightaway, you might be like, well, of course, it's safe to feel pleasure, but hear me out.
Because for some of us, it's not.
And for a vast majority of us, it's really not safe to feel a lot of pleasure, a lot of joy, a lot of bliss.
And the reason that is, is because for our nervous system, for our unconscious mind, and for our autonomic nervous system, which is really what is running us, right, if you think about it, the vast majority of us, of what's happening within us is autonomically happening with the nervous system, and looping patterns that are set up in the neurology in our brain.
And the reason this is so is that we can actually function and we can think can we do things without having to think about every single thing.
So our entire body, how it runs, our heartbeat, our breath, our gut digestion, now, organ function, all of that stuff is happening automatically without us having to think about it.
And then there's also things like when we learn to do something, clean our teeth, ride a bike, drive a car, all these things become loops set up in your in your neuronal pathways that are set up set up in our brain that allow us to do these things without actually thinking about them, and they become unconscious.
And so it is our belief systems are unconscious.
And when we're very, very, very young, very small
and quite often with my clients, we go back to in-womb memories, which sounds crazy, right?
That you can actually have an in-womb memory.
But sometimes it's the moment of conception, the moment they enter the womb, the energy of the mother, smothering them, or fear, or, you know, whatever is there for them at that moment.
And it's like this.
And that's the energy that is there in the body.
And sometimes it's like ancestral beliefs and things that they're born into.
And when we're very young, we're born and we're, you know, in the womb, and then we're born into this world, and we don't know how to stay safe.
We don't have a rulebook, we don't understand it.
And it's up to our caretakers to give us that safety, to keep us safe.
And sometimes that just doesn't happen.
I mean, sometimes we're kept safe, physically, we're given what we need.
But then we're not given emotionally what we need.
We're not given emotional,
Our emotional body is not care taked.
So we're not given good thoughts about ourselves.
And the beliefs that we form in those formative years, you know, when we're really in an unconscious mind, we're setting up looping patterning, we're learning things and we're working out how to stay safe, where our personalities are formed as well.
You know, do we become manipulators, to manipulate a situation, to become people pleasers, to keep everyone happy so that we can be safe?
Do we become bullies that we can...
Or put everyone down or overcome stay safe that way?
How do we stay safe?
That's really what it's all about in those early years.
And these beliefs that are created during this time are created in a way for us to understand interpret, and then set up loops and take action without having to think everything through every time because we don't have time to think everything through.
So when something happens to us, that doesn't make sense,
and the way our caretakers who are gods, are not giving us what we need or how someone else reacts to us, or someone laughs at us, then the belief that is formed is often a limiting one.
You know, if we're not instilled with confidence and courage and self love by our caretakers, consciously doing that for us, and giving that and being in it themselves, because quite often, how we live our life, or not, quite often,
how we live our life before we consciously start working on it right, is an imprint and mirroring of how our caretakers were.
So you know how our mother was, how the father was or how our father wasn't, if he was absent.
If he was absent, and quite often, the masculine energy within us is absent, for our feminine energy as well and abandoned her.
So how we are and these beliefs that we formed when we don't understand anything are quite often formed around us being not worthy.
Because it's the only thing that makes sense.
We can't conceptualize at the moment that dad's just being a dick, or mum's is being immature, because they're The adults who have the power, they're the ones that bring us the food, they're the ones that bring us, you know,
change us when we're dirty or bathe us or give us clothes.
They are the authority, they're the expert.
Therefore, the only thing that we can do to make sense when things aren't going the way we wanted is to make it be something about us.
So these belief systems are born and formed and wired into our neurology.
I'm not worthy, I'm not lovable.
You know, I have to,
I'm not good enough,
I have to be perfect.
You know, we normally have a main one.
But then we normally have like elements of the others.
So mine is definitely, I had to be perfect to be lovable. I'm not worthy. You know, they're ones that I've been working on a lot.
I had to be special. I had to be, I had to be always proving myself to be special.
And being special.
If you're special, means you have to be more special than everybody else to be special, right?
It's this underlying competition all the time, we always have to be better than everybody else, you always have to be right. And always looking for like evidence for that. And it's just exhausting.
So what is known and familiar, is safe. And to our nervous system, that's how it works.
What is known, unfamiliar, safe.
So if what is known and familiar, when you are really young, is actually what as an adult, we can see was a shitty, shitty situation,
But we don't understand why we keep recreating the situation, we keep attracting people to us who keep fulfilling the same.
It's like a self fulfilling prophecy, right?
Because every time something else comes to us, that might be different, we move away from it. Unconsciously without even realizing because it's not safe.
And we're attracted and drawn to the energy that we know is safe, that we can survive.
So safe doesn't mean happy, And like, love.
Safe means we survived it.
All right.
So if we can survive a shitty situation, and our brain knows we can survive that, it will keep choosing that unconsciously, we will keep choosing to experience that.
Because we know how bad it is, we know we can survive it.
But oh my god, happiness? Being loved unconditionally?
We don't know we can survive that.
Because deep down inside, if we're not loving ourselves unconditionally, we can't accept unconditional love.
Therefore, it's never going to stick, we're never going to accept it, we're always going to kill it.
And then the pain of having that taken away from us when that person withdraws, because we're not loving them unconditionally, because we can't because we can't love ourselves unconditionally, right.
And we self sabotage a relationship that we don't feel worthy of.
Oh, my God, how much more painful is that going to be when we're proved our theory on how unworthy we are and how unlovable we are as proofed?
So I was having a conversation with a friend last night.
And it was a back and forth conversation around a relationship that he's not in at the moment, but is there and he would like to be and he can see the potential.
And then he's also going into danger in it and the twos and the fours and the back and the fours and then we moved away where we could see there was an incompatibility there.
Boundaries from both sides that were non negotiables, which meant that this relationship could not work.
But then he couldn't say no.
And then back into that, okay, well, what if you did, and what if you did one in here, but then there was this like this part of him that was always edging away and never fully committing.
And he said to me how he trusted his gut, and the instinct of his gut.
And when we talk about a gut, it's that gut feeling right down, like down, you know, in that solar plexus area, the stomach, that's the gut, we trust our gut, had a gut feeling about something.
Now, the problem with a gut feeling, it's the gut feeling is the solar plexus.
And it's the the chakra of emotion, right?
And emotions are used by the unconscious mind, to warn us away from things that doesn't think a safe.
So unless we've done a lot of work on ourself, and got ourselves to the place where we're living through heart, we're expanded, we're able to attract abundance to us freedom, love, whatever it is that we want, and we are comfortable in that we know we are safe in that, unless we're at that point, then our gut is going to be warning us away from things that could actually bring us joy and happiness.
So if we trust our gut in these situations, really what we're doing is we're allowing the old patterning, the old belief systems to recreate a future that is the same as the past.
But when we can shift these belief systems, when we can shift these things and actually come in to, you know what I am worthy, and I am worthy of love, and not just affirmations that you say to yourself, but actually deep seated, how I live our life, this is my belief system now, then perhaps the emotions that are in our gut, when we contemplate something are going to be true when honest, and open and expansive.
And not something that's trying to warn us about danger.
You think about that, when something's happening, you get this contraction, you know, this gut feeling in this oh,
and you start to feel uncomfortable.
Maybe you start to feel sad, maybe you start to feel resentful, maybe start to feel angry, maybe you know, this, this negative emotion comes in there and you're like, Oh, you find yourself moving away from that situation until it's gone.
And it's okay, I can breathe again. I'm safe again.
But maybe your conscious mind actually thought that the thing that was there didn't maybe didn't even realize that there was danger, because there was no danger that it was aware of.
Because to the conscious adult mind, there was no danger.
Maybe it was a beautiful situation, maybe it was a great opportunity, maybe it was a happy thing.
But to the primitive brain, the unconscious, the autonomic nervous system, which was formed by that child, it's like this program that runs us was written by a small child, and we're still operating our life off that, right. So it's outdated program.
And it uses emotions to make us feel uncomfortable, to make us run away, to keep us safe.
And this is what a cognitive dissonance is. When we want something, but it's kind of beyond the comfort zone, so we go into that ugh, phase, and then we're like, uncomfortable, you know, you just want to get out of your body and you don't know what's wrong.
And it's like, you've got to stay in it and stay in it and stay in and stay in it.
Until finally, your nervous system can realize that it's okay.
And sometimes the way to do this when when what you want, it's too far, and it's outside the window of tolerance of the nervous system, and you're going to have cognitive dissonance, is to break it down into small manageable steps so that you can believe, okay, maybe I can't believe this. Maybe I'm not comfortable with that. Maybe my nervous system acts up with that belief. And I go into self sabotage. And I go into procrastination. And I go into self loathing, and I start like distracting myself, because I can't be with what's in my body right now.
And I start, like, instead of doing what I need to do to have it, I started like watching telly, or Netflix or on social media, or drinking too much wine and like, oh, deciding to have the night off.
And it all makes perfect sense in the moment.
But it's really just cognitive dissonance in action, and you trying to get away from the discomfort in the body.
And the discomfort in the body is being created by the identity that you are that does not believe that you can have what you want.
So sometimes you need to break it down to small steps.
Okay, I can't I can't go all the way but but like, what do other steps that I need to take to get to where I am and just think about the next step.
And maybe then the cognitive dissonance isn't so great that you can't take action.
Then obviously, always with this, there's help, therapy, you know, a lot of the a lot of the modalities that I'm trying to unlock with therapy and psychotherapy are amazing for this.
Because when this cognitive dissonance is triggered up, that's the perfect time to dive in and find out where it happened, when it happened.
The part of you that stuck in this belief system, what happened to them, let's go back and heal that part of you so that this energy can go and this belief system can change, and this program can be rewritten.
You see, superconscious recoding can help.
There's the spiritual healing amazing, because sometimes the core issue that caused this didn't happen in this lifetime, it happened in a past life, and we brought it with us.
Or it's ancestral lineage information that is in our line that we were born into.
And then we need to go back and get rid of that.
So there's always help out there, obviously.
But what I'm thinking, I'm talking about now is things that you can do yourself.
So when you get into cognitive dissonance, the first thing to do is to observe it to realize what's happening.
And then sit in the discomfort, stay with it.
And when I'm in this, when I'm doing this, and I'm doing the work, because I do this work on myself, sometimes I need to go and get help because it just can't find it.
I can't tackle it.
But normally now I can go in and I can find the moment in time myself.
And when I'm doing this, I picture myself like you know, being being burned at the stake, but try and instead of trying to get away from the stake and away from the discomfort, I pictured myself clinging to the stake and staying in the discomfort and allowing it to be there and breathing into it.
Moving through it, expressing it and then tracing down using the energy of this moment.
It's like there's a part of me that's at the other end of this energy that's holding where it began.
It's like this little thread and by the time it's got to me it's like this bigger, a net, right?
And I follow the energy back to the moment in time where this began, and I see what was happening for me and what it was and what the belief was and why it wasn't.
What's the energy that stuck in my body?
It's now creating, being used to create this physiological response, it's actually giving me such discomfort.
So I'm gonna give an example of the whole pain-pleasure identity thing.
So I've been doing, I've been doing a lot of work for a long time now.
But I've been this intense amount of work for pretty much the last year, I got thrown in the deep end of anxious attacher.
And then it just opened up this whole barrel of shift I had to work on.
And recently, I was doing something and this belief just dropped into my head.
Sorry, it wasn't a belief, it was a thought a thought dropped into my head, that normally would have caused me a huge amount of physiological pain, it would have been like that oof, knife in my gut.
Ah, yes, of course, because I'm not worthy.
And I'm not lovable, right?
And the thought dropped in.
And there was nothing.
And I was like, well, hang on.
So I started like picking at it, like trying to, to get this pain to come back.
And it just wasn't there anymore.
And I had finally managed to shift the beliefs that had been causing this pain, and the identity of who I was within those beliefs,
I managed to shift it far enough away, that I don't have the pain anymore, because I don't actually have the beliefs anymore, right?
But what I realized was that I liked the pain.
It was like, cathartic,
it was like a part of me was like clinging to it.
And that like, yes, because it meant I was right about myself.
Whenever the pain came, whenever the thing happened, that created the pain, it was like the See, see, I'm right.
I'm not lovable.
I'm not worthy.
it made me realize that where I had been, it wasn't safe to feel pleasure.
And I actually enjoyed the pain that came whenever it was proved to me how unworthy I was.
And it wasn't so much that someone else was treating me like that.
It was my interpretation of what was happening in the world, my perception of the world, based on my foundational belief system.
And when we have a belief system, really what we're living in, is an identity.
We're always living in identity, right?
But the more, the more negative these beliefs are, the more controlled and contained our identity and our perception and reality of the world is.
So our beliefs, really, it's our belief system that is creating all our reality, right?
Are creating a perception.
But what it is, is it's creating our identity.
Our belief system creates the identity,
I'm the person who's not worthy,
I'm the person who can't have it because of this,
I'm the person who can't dance because of this.
And then the life we want, that we want to have, we can't have. Because the identity of the person that we are in this moment, is not the identity of the person that we would have to be to have that life.
And for us to say I want a life of freedom and traveling the world, sometimes we can push for something and we can have it for a little bit and then boom, goes back.
And if you're a yo-yo dieter, you'll know that, right?
If you're really going for something, and it's almost there, it's almost worth doing. Sometimes we actually touch it, right?
We touch it.
And then like a month later, we're like, what the hell happened to that? I had it. It was within my reach. And now it's gone.
Why is that?
And the why is that we're not the identity that can have it, it's not safe for us to have it because we don't believe.
Our beliefs that are created this identity right now, and not the belief system, that we would have to have to have that, to have that abundance to have that freedom to have that unconditional love.
And until we can become that identity with the beliefs that will allow us to have it, we can't have it.
We can't keep it.
Sometimes you can get it and then you can observe if you can observe that dissonance,if you can reserve that discomfort and you can stay within it, and ignore it and not take action on it and not distract from it and stay in it for long enough that the nervous system settles and realizes, oh, this is safe, it's okay.
Then sometimes you can keep it, right?
But it's really hard to observe yourself within that when what is happening is quite unconscious.
And we come up with very logical reasons for why the action that we're taking now is taking us away from what we said we wanted.
And I see this all the time.
It's one of the reasons that actually stopped coaching marketing and business to people in the online space.
It's because they weren't the person that could have what they wanted to have.
And they would come to me with these plans and ideas, and we would conceptualize it, and we would get the plan, the road plan, and I could never get them to do anything.
And then the next week, they've totally changed what they want to do.
And I do this myself time and time again.
And I realized that these people just needed really good therapy to be able to become who they were, who they who they needed to be to have what they wanted to be, and no amount of me telling them to do things was going to change anything until they did that work.
So I believe that "we can't have it" are often stronger than our beliefs that we can have it.
And then that creates that cognitive dissonance, and then that creates the discomfort.
And that causes us to not have it.
So what can we do?
What can we do, right?
Because if you...
Well, one of the first things you can do right is have a really good observation,
get really good observing yourself, right?
The first thing to do is get really good at observing yourself, observing your thoughts, observing your body, not reacting to things, not knee jerk reaction things.
And my big pattern would you be I would force something, I would force something, and I would get it.
And then it would not be what I needed.
And it would often turn to total shit back, right.
I mean, Oh, my God, how did I get here again.
And I would normally force something that would create me being overworked, underpaid, underappreciated, and stressed out of my head.
And I would force that to happen.
And that was because my beliefs were that I had to be the best, and I had to be perfect.
And I had to be continuously proving myself to be worthy and lovable.
So the first thing is to observe yourself, observe yourself in action, and take time every day to sit and observe your mind.
So it's meditation, right?
Observing your mind, observing your body, observing what's inside, and actually linking into these sensations, these physiological sensations and what they are because they're their energy, but they're also emotion, right?
And a lot of people aren't even aware of what their emotions are,
andwhen I'm working with them, I say, what do you feel?
And then when they list, it's not actually a feeling.
Okay? So feelings are things like, the three core feelings are sadness, anger, and fear.
then there's other feelings that are mixtures of them, and like levels of them.
So for instance, anger, you've got rage, you've got anger, you've got resentment, frustration, that kind of all in the same thing, the different levels of it.
And sometimes, we're not being true about how deep we actually go, will feel frustration.
But when we go deep into that, what is down the bottom is actual rage, right?
So start to observe yourself, start to observe your your body, start to observe your feelings, take the time and then look for the thoughts that are creating this in your body in that moment.
And when you can also do is observe the patenting in your life and observe, take time out to observe your caretakers, from when you're young.
And look at the imprint.
And how even though you hated the way your mom was acting, rarely, it's probably how you're acting now.
And it's probably what you're creating in your life now.
And your father, the way you learned to get his love, or the way you learned, you know, what you learned from him?
Is it still playing out in your life now?
What were their beliefs surrounding abundance,
what were their beliefs surrounding work ethic,
what were their beliefs surrounding money,
because they're probably still your beliefs.
And if they believe that you had to work hard for your money, then you believe you had to work hard for your money.
My current belief is that you can have, you can be comfortable, but you can't be free, and you can't have full abundance.
that's what I'm butting up against at the moment.
And that's what I'm working to push through, where I can just have abundance and not be trapped in it.
Because that's my other thing.
I trapped myself into these things to try and create stuff.
But it's really just that old patterning.
And I'm working my way out of that.
So observe your thoughts and the beliefs creating them, observe your caretakers, right?
And realize that your reality, what is possible for you is really just your perception.
And your perception is created by those beliefs.
It's like we put on a pair of glasses, and then we view the world through them.
And you'll see that when something happens and all these people react to and respond to different ways and remember it differently, right?
It's because their perception was different because of their belief system.
And once your brain, once your unconscious has this belief system cemented in, it will go out of its way to protect it. Because that's easier. And because that's less painful than then like realizing that it's wrong and having to rewrite it.
And that's why sometimes you know, people get I don't understand why she stays in an abusive relationship. It's because it's all she knows, it's the only thing she knows how to stay safe.
So don't don't be judgmental of people when they're in their addictions or when they're going back to these old pattern things, right, they're just, they need to get to a point where they can shift who they are, hold themselves in the discomfort for long enough, not distract from it so they can recreate the identity of who they are, and they can choose something different.
So you know, realize that your your reality is really just perception.
It's not real, your beliefs are really just your beliefs, they can change, right, they don't have to be your beliefs.
The next thing you can do is get good at staying in the discomfort and realizing that it's okay.
It's okay when we feel sad.
It's okay when we feel angry.
These parts of us that we were taught that we're not allowed, the angry part, the selfish part, the greedy part, sometimes it's actually like an intelligent part.
You know, the smart part, we were, like ridiculed for being nerds and stuff.
So we learned not to be intelligent.
But we put these parts of as well, like, we section them that we go, that's not allowed, you know, I mean, religion is beautiful at doing this, like, you know, you're not allowed to be jealous and you're not allowed to be greedy and you't not allowed to be this, you're not allowed to be that, you're not allowed to be angry, you know, turn the other cheek.
And then we learn that these parts of us aren't allowed, and we put them into the shadow, right, but they're still there.
Realize that every single part of you is welcome. And learn to process your emotions in a responsible way.
So if you are angry, don't suppress it, don't resist it, because then it just comes out.
And you become snarky.
Or you become passive aggressive.
Or you become a bit of a bitch every now and then, right?
But if you observe the anger, and then you are responsible with it, so take the timeout, take yourself away from the situation, and fog and let yourself have it, do some pillow screaming, do some pillow bashing, get the anger that energy out of your body.
So then you can see the situation from a different point of view, you can change your perception on that moment.
We normally were angry because someone has transgressed our boundary.
Or because you know, something's making us feel shit about ourselves or somebody's like acting in a different way.
And when we can release the anger, we can be in our power in the moment with not reacting.
And we can do whatever we need to do without being a bitch, without feeling shame afterwards, because of the way we reacted.
So learn to be with what's there and then process it in a safe and responsible way.
You don't have to tell everybody everything about what you're feeling.
You don't have to tell your partner every time you have a feeling,
you can go off and you can identify it and you can allow it and process it.
And then you can see what was causing it and you can grow from that, you can shift, you can become safe within moments.
And then you can go back and you can be, you know the best version of yourself with your loved ones.
So stand in discomfort, don't distract from the dissonance.
If you're feeling like that, don't spend the night with a bottle of wine on the TV, go and sit in silence.
Go inwards, do the work.
Be responsible, be an adult ,grow up, become mature in your energies, so that you can hold space for yourself and others.
But when you do this, you can start to actually be safe in pleasure, safe in joy, safe in happiness, because you're safe in your body.
So when you're doing this, when you're going into it.
What you want to try to be doing is identifying the moments in time where these beliefs were formed, going back to that part of you, and allowing them to express how it felt, allowing them to take their power back because so many moments where we were powerless.
And when we were children, we were victims, we were powerless, right?
So then we created these layers and then sometimes we're still playing out as if we are victims, we're still playing out.
It's like this shadow, this echo from that moment is still there in time.
We need to go back and identify it so we can change it, we can unravel this energy and release it from our body.
You know, things happen to us and emotions come and they go on we're allowed to we're meant to let these come and go, not constrict and contract around them because they causes pain,
which is what normally happens.
And just as these negative things, we resist, right?
Sometimes we constrict and contract around good things and we hang on to it because we want to and that's not healthy either.
And, you know when we resist, we contract around pain because we're trying to prevent it, we're trying to resist it, what we actually do is recreate suffering.
So suffering is not caused by pain, suffering is caused by the resistance of pain.
And life is painful. Thing is, even when you do all the work in the world, and you get to a point where you it is safe to feel pleasure, you're still going to feel pain, things are gonna happen, but it's still gonna cause your pain, but it's being able to be safe within that pain and seeing the beauty of the moment, of the energy, of the emotion, and be with it and breathe through it and maintain who you are in your identity.
That's where true freedom comes from.
And, you know, if you can, if once you can do that, then you can hold a bigger space for yourself to also feel the beauty in the world, the pleasure in the world, the happiness, the bliss, those things,
and you have them because of you not because of other people.
So one of the things that you can do within this observation is you can identify like, what is it that I want in the world?
And, you know, okay, I want to travel the world.
You know, okay, well, what does that give me, it gives me fun, it gives me excitement, it gives me freedom.
I want a big house with a walk in, and a beautiful ensuite bathroom, what's that's going to give me it's going to make me feel abundant, it's going to make me feel happy.
And then realize that we want these and I'm not saying it's bad to want these external materialistic things, right? But we want these external visible things, because of the internal invisible things that they give us.
We don't have to wait till we have that big house or we have that travel to have these internal invisible things, we can have them now.
And often, if we can't have them, now, if we can't be in the identity of the person who can have them now, we're still not going to have them when we had that big house or we have that freedom.
As a whole, like, oh, I'm still not happy.
And you know, to have gotten to a point in my life where I can just be happy, and wake up in the morning and be happy to give me rocks.
And as I wake up in the morning, I'm sad.
And that's okay, I allow it, I breathe through it, I express it.
I use sound, I use song to like release the energy, whatever it is to get the sadness out.
I don't like try to distract from it.
I don't try to pretend it's not there.
But I move through it.
And when we can do that, then we can also create room for what it is that we really want.
So dream big for your life.
And don't believe any thoughts that you have, that tells you you can't have it.
But instead, start identifying those thoughts, start identifying the beliefs that are behind those thoughts.
Start looking for the reasons, start looking for the imprints with the mother, get the help that you need to go into these things and start to release them.
I often say when I'm working with a client, it's like I have a hot air balloon, right, but it's all nailed to the ground or stapled in.
And every time I go to a moment, we pull on these staples out and that hot air balloon just fills up that little bit more, that little bit more, that little bit more, until eventually the balloon can take flight.
That's what doing the work is.
That's what going in is.
You know you can spend your entire life like just trying to reach the out and trying to be in bliss.
And you can do that.
You can be in like meditation.
But until you actually go in and do the inner work as well, then you're not going to be as whole, as capable of holding and as content and able to just be.
Okay, so I hope now that that has maybe changed your perception on whether or not it's safe for you to feel pleasure.
Just have a really good think about it.
And let me know if you've got any questions.
I'll see you next time.