𝗟𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 - Sharing My Story As I Heal My Soul, Surrender into My Feminine Power, and Learn to Live Through Heart

Episode #50 - Where I am at Right Now

Episode Summary

50 podcast episodes and going strong and in this episode, I decided to share where I am at right now. What have I let go of, what am I working on, what am I creating and what am I planning? I hope you enjoy this episode of the Living Through Heart podcast as I share my journey towards feminine empowerment with you. In this episode, I mentioned a few of my friends and mentors. You can check out more about them here: Charlotte Chalkley - https://charlottechalkley.com Keith Hodge - https://intuityinternational.com Shannon Vallance - https://shannonvallance.com.au Ruth Goncalves - linktr.ee/thefrequencydj

Episode Notes

In this episode, I mentioned a few of my friends and mentors. You can check out more about them here:

Charlotte Chalkley - https://charlottechalkley.com

Keith Hodge - https://intuityinternational.com

Shannon Vallance - https://shannonvallance.com.au

Ruth Goncalves - linktr.ee/thefrequencydj

You can connect with me on:

Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/livingthroughheart)

Instagram (@livingthroughheart)

Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/@livingthroughheart/)

LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/donnajoyusher)

Episode Transcription

Hi, I'm Donna Joy Usher.

Welcome to this 50th episode of the Living through Heart Podcast.

I've decided that hopefully I'll remember this in a year, but every 50 episodes, I'm just gonna do a check in with where I'm at right now, because it's going to be pretty much yearly.

So at the moment, it is the 24th of October 2023.

So the last few years have been really massive for me, you know, it's two and a half years, just over two and a half years since I left my husband of 27 years.

Well, my partner 27 years.

We've been married for probably think maybe 12 years or so,

I don't know, I can't remember.

Anyway, we were together for a very, very long time.

And he's a very good man.

I just got to a point where I knew just we just won't what each other needed anymore.

We weren't energetically aligned with what we wanted in life.

And we were really just making each other miserable and hanging on for the sake of the word marriage, and the fact that we loved each other as people.

And we had all these plans and stuff, but it just wasn't aligning anymore.

So that's been just over two and a half years.

And I've been on a huge journey in that time.

Big journey leading up to the point where I was actually able to do that and step away.

And it's been a year and a half since I stopped working as a dentist, which is massive as well.

So, in that time, I've traveled a lot, I've been through a lot,

I've... when I say travel, I mean in myself, but I have actually traveled as well.

And I've been, especially in the last pretty much year, I've been on a huge healing journey.

Some stuff was shown, like came up in me probably heard me talking about, realizing I was an anxious attacher and everything.

So just wanted to check in with where I'm at right now with everything.

So recently, I had this, this incident that happened and you may have already heard me talk about it, where a thought popped into my head.

And normally this thought would have really caused and created a lot of pain within me, a lot of visceral pain, like OOF pain, like.

And really what would have been underneath that pain would have been that thought process that belief of I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. I'm not lovable, and that this thought would have been just like, ah, see, like a knife.

See?

That's why.

Anyway, this thought dropped in and I kind of like tensed, waiting for the pain and nothing happened.

Like, that was weird, where did my pain go?

It was kind of like this part of me was running around going, hello, hello, has anyone seen my pain?

Has anyone seen my pain?

And I realized that a part of me actually liked the pain.

It was like this cathartic release, it was kind of like backing up this identity of this wounded person on the identity of who I was, and it was gone.

And basically, I think, I'm not saying it's all perfect, and I'm sure there'll be little things and triggers and I'm sure we're about to go into a whole new level of stuff, right, but that old identity of the wounded daughter, the wounded wife, and "I need to be perfect",

"I need to be right",

"I need to be lovable".

"I need to be worthy".

You know, the people pleaser in me has basically shed that skin.

And what's come up now is obviously another layer of just identifying fear within myself.

You know, there's a lot of fear sort of induced stuff within my ancestral lineage and people who are still alive, live in a very fear based life and that's what I got caught up in.

And there was a moment in time where I was able to, like I used to like, when I don't have a TV, I don't read the newspaper.

I don't listen to the radio.

I remind people, if something important happens, people are pretty good at telling you about it right?

And I don't immerse myself in what the news people decide to show me, decide to tell me, because it's always very negative side.

And there's, you know, you think about this, some amazing things happen in the world as well, but we don't ever hear about them.

News two seems to be like, watch out for this or watch out for that, oh, that's terrible.

This is terrible.

And it's like, sometimes at the end, they'll have the sports and maybe feel good, a feel good thing, right.

But it's always if you think about it.

And people watching the news, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, right? There's not.

But what I've observed tends to happen within myself is that and within people that I know, it's like, it gives them this sense of control, they've watched the news, they know what's going on in the world. And now they're in control, and they know what to watch out for, how to stay safe.

And sometimes for some people, it's just feeding something where they like, you know, they're caught up in the story they have about the world, about how the world is not safe, and about how the world is like dangerous and everything.

And it's feeding into that.

And I'm trying not to be in that story.

And I got to a point where I was able to observe this within my certain members in my family, where I was able to observe the fear pattern, rather than being in the fear pattern.

And I still feel it when something gets said I have this starting to happen within me.

And then I just breathe through it and allow it and realize that it is not true,

It's just a belief paternting, a perception, a way of looking at things.

And then I'm able to release that.

So ist is a lot of stuff that had been able to release and a lot of stuff now coming up.

And for me, a lot of this fear that's coming up now is fear of my future, fear of how I'm going to make money, fear of what things are going to look like trying to control stuff, this whole...

And then there is this element of having done so much study and so much work and then feeling this pressure to perform, this pressure to prove myself which is leftovers, of obviously that need to be perfect, the need to be lovable, all that stuff.

And I used to have to control my outcome, my destiny, what things looks like, and I would force outcomes.

And when you're trying to force an outcome, it never works well.

Have you ever done it when you're like, you're trying to do something right, and then you got to put a lot of pressure on it.

And then when it goes, it's like something breaks or you end up punching yourself.

I know that I had a patient come into work once when I was working as a dentist and he had a broken nose.

What happened, he said, oh I was trying to pull down this, it was a kid's playhouse that was built in a tree and it was trying to pull this board off and it was stuck and stuck. And it just just really let go of all common sense and just became so focused on getting this thing off that when it finally gave, he smacked himself in the face with it and just like squashed his nose.

So for me personally, when I'm forcing an outcome, it's like that.

I become so totally focused on this creation of what I want it to look like, forcing it to happen.

And variably is never good for me.

And you know, there's this fine line for me now trying to work out what is manifesting and what is forcing. And what is control?

And what is fear within manifestation like, am I really manifesting?

Or am I trying to control because this whole like manifests, and you got to break it down to the detail the outcome, but for me personally, trying to create something known that I can control and I can manifest is really from me just coming from all I know that is possible.

And if I open up wider, and hold more of a higher, higher level of what I want, then what will unfold?

So that's the fear that comes with that.

That letting go, that not being in control, that not being worried, that not being like, oh, but what about this? And what about that?

And just trusting that everything's unfolding exactly the way it is meant to.

And so I feel a bit of a journey.

You know, I went to Europe in goodness, it was August, September.

Yeah.

And I facilitated a retreat, and I hooked up with my beautiful friends that I've been working with that I'd never met.

And while I was over there, I was doing a practice on myself that I was learning as part of the tantra practitioner training I'm doing currently.

And it was feed the demon.

And I was taking myself through the feed the demon process and I tapped into self hatred.

And I know it was there, right?

And I remember my gorgeous friend Charlotte who taught me how to be a hypnotherapist saying to me, yeah, when you get the clients down to self hatred, you know, you're really starting to get somewhere and I was like, I don't hate myself, you know?

But then I tapped into this part of me that was like it's all your fault.

It's all your fault.

We don't have this, it's all your fault.

Because we're not love, it's all your fault.

And it was like this, oh my god, part of me does hate me.

And that set off this journey.

And then I was like, oh my God, how many years it can take to clean this.

But the thing is, actually doesn't have to take that long to clear shit when you're willing to dive into it, right?

So during the course of while I was away, and still obviously integrating and moving through stuff, but I was able to take that self hatred, and move into what that was about. And actually embrace those parts of me, the parts of me that are capable of doing really bad things.

the parts of us that are in the shadow that we ignore, we deny or we're not allow, we resist, you know, we're not allowed to be selfish and allowed to be greedy and allowed to be angry about it.

And we're like we all have to be high and mighty, but all we're doing is actually like trying to cut ourselves in half, like, Ah, we're not that and the more we push it, the more we resist it, the more it pushes back.

And it comes out in different ways.

And then we don't like ourselves when it comes out. It's like.

So for me, it was this journey of just actually acknowledging who I really am and what I'm capable of. And having compassion. I mean, initially, there wasn't the self love, but I was able to have compassion for her.

Compassion for myself.

And I was able to start to bring these pieces back in and feel the wholeness of myself.

And when that happens, something really interesting happened.

I didn't need to compete anymore.

Because I've been denying the fact that I was actually capable of being a real f*cking bitch, right, denying the fact that I was capable of doing really dark evil things.

Because I've been denying that part of me, I've been having to prove that I wasn't that.

And the way I was proving there wasn't that was by like, having to have people like validate me, and having to basically compete with others to be better.

And you know, when you find yourself, like being really down on somebody like, because they're like this, right?

But we're often doing that, because if they're like that, then what we're really saying is that I'm not like that, I'm better than that.

But just have a bit of self observation either.

Because when you, when you find yourself being really critical of someone, normally there's a reflection in there yourself, is actually a part of you that denying you're denying that you're seeing in them.

And because you're so busy denying yourself, you're gonna be really critical of them, because you can see it in them.

But really, it is part of us.

So when I was able to start to bring in these parts of me and own it, I stopped having to compete, I stopped having to show up in a certain way, I was just able to really let go.

I did some really deep ceremony work with my beautiful friend and mentor Keith Hodge while I was over there.

And I work with him and his academy, Intuity Academy coaching and about to learn, pick up go into teaching within that as well.

And he took me on some really deep ceremonies, and then I was facilitating at the retreat and going through some stuff during that and actually got to the point where I was able to start to bring in self love.

Now obviously, this is in levels too.

Because what I realized as soon as I got back, I dove into the tantra practitioner training, which is all about feminine practices was that I could say I was loving myself, but I wasn't loving myself fully and deeply because I was denying even put this it was like I was I was like really resisting doing these feminine practices, like moving into womb clearing and really actually just embracing myself as a woman, and everything that comes with that.

And I realized I'd been cut off from that, sort of indoctrination and cut off from my power within that, my feminine power within that.

You know, we're taught that you know, as women, we're quite often shamed.

For sexuality, we're shamed when we're too loud, we're shamed when we're to this or to gregarious, or too that or, and we're trying to be put back into a box where people can like, feel safe around us.

But really, when we're in our power, we are none of those things.

And we can be sexual, and we can be loud, and we can be noisy, and we can laugh and we can live life to the fullest.

It doesn't mean anything about us, except that we are who we are.

And so I'm moving into that process now of moving deeper and deeper into self love.

And I still have a long way to go with that.

And I've realized that I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding sex.

And that I mean, I have a beautiful friend who is quite sexual and quite open to like one on one encounters and things like that.

And I can, I can listen to her talk about it and not judge her at all.

And in fact, I'm like intrigued by it.

And yet when it comes to me, it's like, oh, no, I'm not.

I can't do that.

Because somehow, you know, throw rocks at me.

This is horrible, but there's a part of me that is like, I'm better than that.

When in reality, I'm scared.

I'm in fear.

And there's this part of me that is feeling guilt and shame around sex and she's the one that is like, elevating herself.

And when I think about it, it's it's all indoctrination.

You know, I've cut myself off from my, my power.

You know, that power that comes through us that, lifeforce energy that turns us on and it lights us up.

And we're taught that that is just about sex.

But it's not, it's lifeforce energy.

And some people, I mean, you know, people call it a Kundalini energy.

But even within Kundalini energy, some people think it's just about sex, but it's not.

These are all new things that I'm unraveling within myself.

And I'm starting to examine within myself, so I may have let go of those old identities.

But now there's new stuff coming up to be observed and to be worked through, as I move basically into becoming more whole.

So where am I going?

And what am I doing with all of this?

Well, at the moment, I'm coaching, in a practitioner training, spiritual healing, and next year, I'll be stepping in, if everything goes well, I'll be stepping into the teacher training role and actually coming through as a teacher within that Academy.

In three, four months time, I've finished my one year practitioner training as a tantric practitioner.

I've just signed up next year, I'll be going to India with a girlfriend, we're going to go to an ashram or yoga ashram.

I can't pronounce it.

Rishikesh.

I think it is at the top of India.

And we're going to be there for pretty much a month studying Kundalini yoga.

And the reason I want to do this is because one, this is, this is somewhere I'm cut off, right?

And I want to understand whatever this is something that I don't understand, I have to become a master at it.

And I want to really embrace and embody this, because I can see with the workload, I'm starting to open up to where I'm going to be, what I'm meant to be going, I'll talk more about that a moment, that it's within Feminine Empowerment, and helping women come into their power and really coming into our power, it's coming back to self.

And being able to get through all the mind to get through, release all the stories, all the identities, and just come to heart and self into the nothingness itself and be in our power, to not have to prove anything, to not have to be anything other than what we already are.

And I can see that Kundalini Yoga will be something that even if I'm not doing it, the practicing at the way it's taught as in within the yoga, the information, I'm going to learn within that, and tools and stuff I'm going to get that from that, and the science of it and the understanding of it, and also the practice of it myself and connecting into it myself, it's going to be something that I'm going to be able to bring into what I'm doing with women, helping them become empowered.

So I've got that next year.

I'm also going back to Europe, gonna go back and visit my beautiful friends and facilitate at the next Intuity International retreat and with Breathe to the Roots, it's going to be amazing.

And I am looking at studying next year into shamanic healing with this amazing tribe in Perth called One Tribe,

So going and doing shamanic.

Going into that as well and learning more, well, from what I've gathered and talking to one of my girlfriends who's done it more into energy healing and getting more into earthing, groundingm, shamanic stuff.

So I'm looking forward to be able to bring that into the work of what I do as well.

So from a work point of view, and a business point of view, I recently made a very hard and painful decision to stop working with one of my beautiful girlfriends and mentors in her business.

So she trained me as a therapist, she trained me as a sales coach, I stepped in as CEO of her business.

And I've been working with her for many, many, many years.

And I could see that the energy of it was keeping me and I was in it because I loved her.

And I was in it because I believe in what she's doing.

But it was preventing me from keeping to flow with my own purpose.

So for a while it was flowing with her and flowing within her and learning from her, and then flowing within that.

And then it was time for me to start flowing on by myself.

And to stop being too nicy to other people and to stop building up their own purpose, being there for their purpose and to start actually flowing my own.

And this is a part of this, letting go of the fear and just going with it.

And I could feel, when I fell into the energy, I felt like always this dam.

And I was holding this water behind me.

Because I loved her.

And I didn't want to let her down.

And it did remind me a lot of my own marriage about how I didn't want to leave at the end because I loved him as a person and I didn't want to hurt him.

I didn't want to hurt his family.

And I didn't want to be the person who did that either, like you know, the bad person or whatever, you know, whatever people want to say about me.

I didn't want to be that.

And so I stayed well past the use by date.

And I didn't want to do this with Charlotte because if my energy wasn't aligned with her, then it was going to be detrimental to her.

And so you know, with everything I've gone through in the last couple of months, all of a sudden it was time for me just to let go.

Break the dam and just flow for the first time in my life, not try to hold on to the banks or have an oral control, the journey but just to free flow with that water and to see where I got washed up.

And so that's beginning now, that process, and I'm still not 100% sure what it's going to look like or how I'm going to work with people. I'm thinking more workshops, this feeling really good, online and in person.

And working with other people, putting stuff together, and maybe having some one on one clients as well.

Because when I'm working one on one with clients, and bringing in all of the elements of everything that I've learned, it's it, you know, we're having some really powerful shifts, which and starting to free them up to follow their own purpose in their own lives.

So that's where I'm going within that.

The other exciting news is that getting back into my creative side, sort of allowing my feminine to come up, because I've been for so long in my masculine energy, am I doing energy, and really cutting off my creativity.

You may have heard me tell the story of how when I was in grade 10 or 11, I decided I wanted to be a fashion designer, I was like, I just dropped in.

And it was like yes, and it lit me up.

And that's what I wanted to do.

And I went I went until my parents my dad just freaked a buck out.

And basically just like squashed me.

It wasn't safe.

It wasn't a good, solid, stable career.

And basically was like, no, you go to uni, and you study really hard and you get a degree to get a job and then you earn good money.

And then you can do this stuff in your own time.

And the problem was that there never was any of my own time to really do it in.

And instead I put that creative energy into work, into business.

And it just became all about that masculine doing doing doing doing achieving, proving myself, you know, validating myself, doing more and more, which in a way I still am right, but for me now, it's not to prove something, as opposed to just because I want to, just because I love learning just because I can bring more of it in and I got a I got to be totally honest here.

Whenever I do one of these courses, whenever I go into one of these courses, it's really about me, about what I'm going to get out of it for me personally, how am I going to expand, how am I going to grow.

And then it just naturally flows over into how I can help others.

How I can work from there, which I'm actually really happy about because it means that I'm not in people pleasing mode anymore.

I'm not sacrificing myself for other people.

I'm putting myself first, and then the energy I get from that by feeding into myself is flowing over me into others, as opposed to people pleasing, and doing stuff for other people for what I get back for them.

I'm giving it to myself now.

So I'm really happy about that,

to identify that within myself.

So I have bought a business with a girlfriend.

I said that before.

I don't know why I bothered writing notes.

I've gone off them.

So my favorite jewelry designer and maker, I'm wearing her stuff right now.

She's in Geraldton, a beautiful woman and she put her business up for sale.

And I thought to myself, why not?

Why not?

A friend, my friend, my beautiful, one of my best friends, Shana and I had always been doing little craft stuff and we were doing Koroneiki pottery and you know, she's an amazing artist, she has beautiful paintings, and she was wanting to get into making bead earrings and stuff.

And then we were always joking around about having an Etsy shop because there's only so much stuff you can create.

There's only so much room that you have.

And there's only so many bits of pottery or gifts or whatever that your friends will receive from you with a smile on their face before they like oh God, where am I going to put this?

I remember when I did my first pottery course I created these vases that didn't even hold, they leaked.

I gave them away as presents.

Anyway, so when her business came up for sale, I thought why not?

So we're in the process of going through the finalization of that.

Turns out, you can't sell an Etsy shop, we're having to recreate the Etsy shop again, we're listing for our own business, which is a shame because it means we've lost all of the reviews and we've lost all of the sales and all the hard work she's put into that we have to start from scratch.

But we get all her amazing stock that she has handmade, and not this weekend coming but next weekend.

So the first week in November we're going up to actually meet her and hug her and stay with her and she's gonna actually teach us how to make this jewelry so it's like electroforming copper and silver plating and stuff and working with crystals and I'm really looking forward to being able to use this as almost like a meditative process of coming to heart and being in space and creativity and making these beautiful pieces of jewelry for people to wear and for people to get the energy from these jewelry.

So stay tuned for that.

I will be bringing more to that when that website and that Etsy shop is finished and I will be creating a special voucher for followers, so a discount voucher.

So stay tuned for that.

More to come on that.

Now the other thing I want to offer you is if you are interested, if I'm talking about running feminine workshops and empowerment workshops, and you are interested in that, then I do have a form, the website's not actually done yet.

Totally organized, this is me actually resisting the need to be perfect.

When I used to do a business thing before, like when I was in the online marketing and teaching, like coaching in marketing and business, everything had to be perfect before I could release it.

And then I would release it to zero audience, right, because I hadn't been building anything.

So yes, the livingthroughheart.com website, as of this date doesn't really exist, except for a form and I think a cookie, a public pop up cookie, form one.

But it will be coming soon.

Now that I'm opening up a bit more space and time for my own stuff.

I will be developing that soon.

So but you can actually there's a form there.

So it's livingthroughheart.com/moreinfo

All in one word.

And you can just fill out that form.

If you are interested in hearing from me in the future, if I do release any feminine, or you know workshops for...

workshops for anyone, even if you man, and you're listening to this and you're interested, if I do start to run men stuff in the future,

I work with some beautiful men in this field, who who run stuff of their own, and they started to create things as well.

So I could always like also let you know about that.

But if you are interested in coming into more of the space within this realm of empowerment, coming into yourself and empowered being just like personal power, that ability to say yes, that ability to say no when you mean and having boundaries in place, knowing what you want to need in life, what your desires are, and having the power to be true to yourself and stand within that.

And to start to create consciously create, because I already you know, I'm a conscious creation coach as well, using a really powerful technique called the superconscious recode.

I'm actually off to Bali, in about just under a month to go and do a retreat in that.

So I'm really excited about that.

So if you're interested about coming in and doing some workshops with me, where I bring everything I've learned together to help you really start to shift through some stuff, to start to have the freedom and the flow in your life,

And it doesn't have to be about creating a business or whatever.

But just if you just want to be happy and you're not and you're just unable to make yourself do whatever it is that you need to do to become happy.

Put your name down.

What's going to happen is eventually I'm going to create something and I'm going to just email you about it.

And you can go read more information and see if it's right for you in that moment.

Now if at the time that you're you're listening to this, these workshops are already available, this link will actually take you to a page where you can read more about it.

So go check that out

living throughheart.com/moreinfo.

Stay tuned for more about Savage Boho, which is the business name we're creating and the brand we're going to creating because you know what we want to embody within Savage Boho, it's like a movement really, a spiritual kind of feeling of women who are in their power.

And they are.

I don't know if you've heard the song, I am My Mother's Savage Daughter,

go listen to it.

If you haven't, it's an awesome song.

That's what we want to bring in.

That roar, savageness, ability to be who you are and to be proud of it and to not to have to pretend to be something else.

To not to have to bow down to other people, to not feel bad about who you are.

And just to be able to embrace all that you are.

It's funny, I was talking to my girlfriend Shannon Valance who is amazing.

If you haven't seen her go check her out on Facebook, and her her girlfriend Ruth, she's an amazing sound healer.

She's a frequency DJ.

So she's on Instagram, check her out there.

I was talking to her the other day about this about this embodying wholeness, because she has been a really important part of my journey as well going to retreats with her and her ceremonies and stuff.

And I'm saying so funny, isn't it?

How when you actually start to just go yeah, I'm capable of doing those things.

And I didn't...

you know, if you believe in past lives or whatever, it's fine, if you don't, just think of them as metaphors.

But I did that shit.

Yeah, I did it.

And you know what, I choose not to do that today.

And that's fine too.

It's okay to admit that we're capable of stuff but then to choose the higher path and purpose of not doing that.

And it's when we resist that stuff and when we pretend we're not capable of it, when we've truly are is really a part of us,

Then it comes through us and it comes out of us when we're not actually allowing it and and like embodying it and being compassionate towards ourselves, then it all gets twisted and turned and we end up becoming that which we don't want.

Anyway, I'm going to end this now.

I think this is long enough.

So I hope you enjoyed it and this update of where I'm at and I will see you next time.