Firstly I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who is listening to my podcast. I cried this week when I saw how many downloads there had been. It touches my heart that my journey is touching yours and I want to honour you for showing up for yourself. Today I talk you through an interesting experience of being rejected that I created this week, and how I processed the pain of it and what I have realised from it. I hope you get something from my experience that you can use in your life. At the end, I mention my friend Shana and my business I spoke about on the last episode - Savage Boho Studio. Our shop has gone live so if you would like to see it go to https://savagebohostudio.com/shop. If you want to buy something I've created a special code as my gift to you. Use the word PODCAST to get a 10% discount.
Firstly I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who is listening to my podcast. I cried this week when I saw how many downloads there had been. It touches my heart that my journey is touching yours and I want to honour you for showing up for yourself. ย
Today I talk you through an interesting experience of being rejected that I created this week, and how I processed the pain of it and what I have realised from it. I hope you get something from my experience that you can use in your life. ย
At the end, I mention my friend Shana and my business I spoke about on the last episode - Savage Boho Studio. Our shop has gone live so if you would like to see it go to https://savagebohostudio.com/shop. If you want to buy something I've created a special code as my gift to you. Use the word PODCAST to get a 10% discount. ย
You can connect with me on:
Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/livingthroughheart)
Instagram (@livingthroughheart)
Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/@livingthroughheart/)
LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/donnajoyusher)
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Hello, and welcome to this 51st episode of the Living through Heart Podcast. ย
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I'm Donna Joy Usher. ย
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And today I'm going to talk to you about something that's happened to me very, very recently that's allowed me to move through a process, a really important process. ย
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And I don't think I'm fully through it. I think I'm beginning it. ย
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But I want to talk to you about what that is, and what's looking for me right now. ย
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And I think it's a really, really important one. I'm a lot further through it than I was about three hours ago, but I thought I was going to talk about, it's totally different to what I'm actually going to talk about. ย
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So I think I've come through a lot of it. ย
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And I'm on the tail end of it. ย
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And I want to describe to you kind of the story behind what happened, what happened within me, because of the story, and how I'm processing it and moving through it. ย
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So that you can start to see how you can do this for yourself as well and maybe get something out of it from my story. ย
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So basically what happened is, you know, I've been doing a lot of work on myself, I've been doing a lot of work within the tantric space, in the healing space. ย
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And, you know, is what I'm learning as a tantric practitioner training. ย
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And I realized I needed a certain experience, or certain something in my life in regards to a relationship, so that I could practice what I was learning, and it just wasn't there. ย
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It wasn't forthcoming. ย
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There was no one in my life that was kind of showing up for me that way. ย
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And I sat down and I worked out what I wanted, the framework of what I wanted. ย
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And then I opened myself to the universe of ย
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Okay, bring someone you know, manifest ย
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let's manifest this, let's bring someone to myself that I can have this with. ย
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And then the first thing I did was I actually went to somebody. ย
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And I said, this is what I want. ย
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Are you open to... ย
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Are you open to it? ย
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Or should I start looking for, you know, people who are, and they came back and said, ย
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"I'm open to experiencing this with you? And let's talk." ย
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So I was like, Cool. ย
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Look at me manifesting already. Right?
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And I, you know, we planned this conversation, I went down, met them, we had this conversation. ย
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And basically the end result of the conversation was that they were not at all open to what I wanted, even though it was like stated. ย
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And, in fact, they weren't even hearing me on what I wanted. ย
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And they were caught up in their own story, their own trauma story, all right, and their own need for safety. ย
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And no matter what I said, I couldn't get through about what I actually was trying to create what I wanted, and they would just loop back on their own story. ย
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Very frustrating. ย
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And it kind of reminds me I don't know, and I've talked about this before. ย
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And it's something that comes up for me quite often. ย
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So you might have heard me mentioned in, you know, the CS Lewis books, The Last Battle, so the final book in the Narnia series, the last battle, and they get caught by this invading army, and there's this stable, and inside the stable is this demon, and they're gonna get thrown in there, and the demons gonna kill them. ย
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And so they get thrown into the stable. And when they get into the stable, they actually find that, you know, because they've turned their heart and they've been faithful to Aslan that not only are they not eaten by demon, that there is no demon there. ย
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And they're not actually in a stable and stuff, they've actually gone through in to Aslan's country, so into like heaven, basically. ย
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But within that, there is a group of dwarves that have been thrown through the stable. ย
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And because they're not open, because they're not believing in their own, they're not faithful, whatever it is, right? Whatever them, they're not believing in God, they can't see that they're actually in heaven. ย
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And they think that they're in a stable, and they think that they're in the dark. And they think that they're sitting in dirt and poo and hay, and they've got this beautiful banquet around them. And they're sitting on this beautiful grassy field. And they're they're trying to convince them, hey, look, you're actually not in the stable. ย
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You're in Athens country, and there's beautiful food around your banquet, and the dwarfs hear what they're saying, but they won't believe it. And therefore what they interpret is what they're saying is not what is actually being said. ย
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And it's that whole, you know, like, we think something, we say something. So there's what we think there's what we say, there's what the other person hears us say. And then there's what they think we say. ย
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And this was a magnificent example of a massive breakdown within that. And that interpretation at the endpoints of our belief system, and our woundings and the reality of the world that we've created, the identity that we live in, that we've created, which really creates a perception of what we hear people say, and what we make things mean. ย
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So I had this very frustrating conversation where I was saying one thing, and then they kept looping around things the other thing and I'm like, I'm actually saying the total opposite, what I want is the total opposite of what you saying that I'm saying, I'm not trying to confine you, I'm not trying to constrict you, I'm not trying to control you, I'm actually offering freedom within this to create something amazing, and still have both of us still have freedom within it. ย
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Anyway, I was very, you know, open minded and listening. And then I'm like, okay, well, obviously, because you know, it's gonna be right for you as well. And then I came home, and then I got really fucking angry. And for the first time ever, I just allowed the anger. ย
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So normally, I would oh, no, well, you know, you chose it, and you created it. And, you know, you look at it from their point of view, and I would always swallow the anger, right? And when I look on that, that comes from very much from my father of, you know, always having to be in control, you know, always having to be the person with the you know, the high, the higher road, mighty, and yet you say to me, you know, write the letter that you want to write and then sit on it for another and rip it up and write the letter that you should write, you know, being like and look at it is very good advice sometimes, right? ย
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But when you live your life by that you don't actually allow yourself to truly feel what is there and to explore why it's there. Right? ย
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That's the important part. Why is the f*cking anger there? ย
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So for the first time ever, I let myself have this anger. So breathe into the end guy didn't let my mind interfere with it. I didn't let my mind transmute into something else, right? Into like, you know, oh, well, you know, this or that, or he's like, in her place, or bla bla bla, or, oh, you know, oh, and I didn't allow myself to go into people pleasing and make it okay. ย
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Instead, what I allowed myself to do is tell him how angry that was. Message him, tell him exactly what I was thinking. And how manipulated I felt about he had said this thing like and it wasn't even just said it was written, right written. ย
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So it's not even like I misheard him, but obviously, even within those words, there was some sort of like, translation error going on. ย
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And what what I still don't I can't even conceptualize what it is right. And if I try my head just goes off and story. ย
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I'm not even gonna go there. But it was there, right, black and white there. ย
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So I wasn't even being misled. And this person has said to me that he often gets accused of misleading women because he is so affectionate, intimate connected when he's with them. So avoidant that doesn't want anything more right. And then they of course, like when when a woman, I mean, let's face it, the vast majority of women are starved of affection and attention and intimacy and connection. ย
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And we're forced into this like people pleasing role. And like giving everything and having to be in a certain way and having to please our men and having to f*cking do this and f*cking do that. ย
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And when we're finally given like, overflowing with affection and attention, we soak it up like a like a dehydrated sponge, like a parched sponge that's been living in the desert for 20 years, and then we want more, and we become overly needy. ย
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So he has this thing where he's like this certain way, he doesn't want more. And he says at the beginning, right, but then the way he is, and the way he acts, belies that. And then women get caught up in this thing. ย
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And he was like, complaining about it, right? I'm like, yeah, cool, I can understand how that might be frustrating for you just want this moment of intimacy and connection. And then they get all needy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then I'm like, well, hang on, you didn't just manipulate me with a way of being human. You believe me with your fucking words. With what you said to me. And you let me believe you were open to something which you were obviously never open to. And that f*cked with me. Right?
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So I let myself be angry, I let myself communicate that but in a way where I took the story out, I took, like, what I wrote it first, and I sat with it. And then I allowed the bits that were jarring, which were overly emotional, or were about story or identity coming in or manipulative, because I can be very manipulating, right? ย
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That is my thing. And I have to watch myself, because I'm my method of surviving as a child was to be manipulated to get what I wanted. ย
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So I sat with that and took that information. And I even got a girlfriend to read it first. So she could like, check, make sure that it was all just like, you know. And then I sent it and then of course, he comes back with well, that's really unfair. And like you did this will not even you did this. But you said this, you said this and sent me screenshots of our conversation further on down the line where we were talking about having this conversation making that the conversation was my idea. ย
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And my all fucking stop one minute, buddy, up here, it was your idea, right? ย
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Anyway, I just went back and said, yep, obviously, you're allowed to have the life that you want. Obviously, you're allowed this stuff. I was just trying to get you to understand something from my point of view for once. And, you know, basically, I still think all those amazing things I've always thought about you, still true. And, you know, I really hope that you find happiness one day. ย
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And then I'm pretty sure I got blocked. ย
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So then the next layer comes in, right, because you know, a few hours later, I'm I'm over, I'm over it. I'm like, I'm, I'm angry. But I'm realizing that the depth of my anger, it's not really about him at this moment. It's about a whole childhood of not getting what I wanted, right? ย
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And I'm realizing this is the trigger. And I've created this because of some stuff I'm going through at the moment. ย
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And interestingly enough, the course that I actually started last night, which align with Chantal Raven, and Tara and Megan, the tantra women I'm working under. ย
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And this creation of this experience that I had dredged up is perfectly what I needed to get to work on through this here. ย
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So even when I was messaging him, I was observing myself within it, knowing that I was I was doing it for a certain reason. And it was because it was out of my comfort zone. So it was something that I would never normally do or would never allow myself to do that right. ย
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I will never allow myself to be put in a position where I could be blocked. Like I'm some sort of hysterical female, needy female right when in reality I always just trying to like go hey, why don't just observe your shit within this and that actually takes some responsibility for within it. I'm not trying to manipulate you into giving me what I want within this, I'm just trying to get you to see that the shit that you're creating, right? ย
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When you're not when he's not able to be within clarity within himself and there's a lot of stuff going on in the background I'm not even gonna go into because it sort of story right? ย
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So but here I am now, I'm this hysterical female and I've been blocked and oh my god, the pain that came with that. ย
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So last night I was just observing myself and allowing myself to yo-yo, like pendulum between anger inside what's holding space for myself right? ย
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Holding the silence of the divine masculine for myself to be experiencing this within. ย
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And really what I'm wanting is for someone else to be with someone who can also do this as well for me, but I'm ย doing it for myself. And I mean, I have to go do it for myself. Before I can actually ever have someone do it for me. ย
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So I'm holding this divine masculine spaciousness of safety for myself to feel what I need to feel within, and silence and non judgement. And every time my mind interferes I'm like observing that and putting it to the side and just allowing the anger or the pain. ย
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And the pain was excruciating. The pain, when I tapped into it, was a little girl in the corner, hunched over with her arms up, and she's just saying, please don't, please don't, please don't, please don't, please don't, please don't, please don't please, you know, just like, don't cut me up, don't cut me off. Just love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, please don't. ย
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And it was the little girl that had always had, when she disappointed and didn't do something the right way. I didn't do exactly what was wanted. She had affection, attention withdrawn. And that was the way of the masculine processing. I don't think it was meant to be a form of punishment, I don't think that there was that much awareness within that, I think that it was just this such anger and like, oh, just this withdraw, and then this, oh, my God, I'm not, I can't be, I can't be me and be loved. I'm not allowed to be me and be loved. And then I have to conform who I am and what I do and how I show up and what is say, to be loved. ย
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And it was so painful. In my body, in my emotions, that like to sitting with that pain, and digging my way into it, ย because I find there's always a core, the belief that when you actually get to the core belief, if you can, you can get down to what that is and really like, almost like twisting the knife on purpose to really like, ah, for this full energy into your body, and express it and breathe through it so that you can move through it. ย
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When this shit comes up, there's two ways to deal with it. Right? There's either to willingly throw yourself into it and to go through the fire, so that you can come out the other side with whatever realization you needed to have to realize that on this side, it wasn't true. ย
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Or you can fucking resist it and create suffering. Because the suffering that we're in is not coming from the pain, the suffering is coming from resisting the pain. So I threw myself in, allowed it breathe through it, cried, and just held myself through it, and then would swing back to the anger of not being fucking allowed to be who I am right?
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And then, throughout this, I realized that I was just creating my identity within this box of the space that was left for me. And I did this, you know, this is my childhood, I did it within my marriage, you know, when when you have someone who isn't conscious and aware and able to hold space for you without things being you know, without making shit mean something about themselves, right? ย
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Well, you can't have your own thoughts and beliefs and stuff without them then like being impacted by that. And then this fight comes on where you're both like trying to be your own person and being allowed to be this and then you know, you must like, understand me and know you must understand me and this thing that goes on the struggle, when in reality, we're both allowed our beliefs and our identity and what we have, right? ย
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And there shouldn't be a fight about it. There should just be space holding and curiosity. And then a choice of well whether or not this aligns, and how can we make it a line? Or is there compromise or is this outside my boundary of what I'm willing to accept for myself? But because most of us never even know what our boundaries are, or what we're willing to accept or what our wants and desires are, this is not what happens it just becomes us trying to control the other person to make us feel safe. ย
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So I realized that I have been even with everything I'm doing and all the growth I'm doing, I've still been showing up in a way of trying to fit into this shape. And it's almost like they get to be bleh, or whatever shape they are. It's almost like the something's fill up the ceiling up splat. And then I fill in the shape around that so that I can be there and be needed and be safe and get attention and affection. Right? ย
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And I was doing it, still doing it to the point where when I actually from this new place of having gone through the pain, examined what my wants had been, what I had decided I had wanted. It wasn't actually what I f*cking wanted. It was what I thought I could have. It's what me manipulating a situation to maybe, maybe if I say this is all I want, then maybe I'll actually get what I truly want, which is someone who sees how f*cking amazing I am, can hold space for it, not try and change me, not try and control me, not try and fix me and just wants me as I am and is fascinated by me.
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And just once to get to know me, how my mind works, and doesn't have to be the same as me, right? Just is not threatened by the differences between us. And then is able to hold space for me to show up in my magnificence and be able to be fully alive and live a life that I truly want, right? Which is kind of like this outward feeling. And what I've been creating is this inward feeling where I'm just like, okay, well, how can I have a taste of that?
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And get it, right? Maybe if I say this is what I want, then maybe, maybe I'll be a trick them into really like giving me what I really truly want, right? Well, the truth is, if I don't actually show up asking for what I want, or hold space for don't want, and stop accepting less than that, then never fucking going to get what I want. ย
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And yeah, this a lot of fear in that because part of me doesn't believe that there's anybody out there that can do that for me or match that or would actually want me and then there's fear because I'm getting old. ย
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You know, I'm 51 years old. And I'm only now just coming into that, like the truth of who I am. And when I look around all these beautiful young women out there, and I think well, why would someone want me? ย
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So instead of like staying true to myself, I've been creating this like this smaller container, hoping that I can have what I want by saying that I want less than I actually do. So really, what I was going for was crumbs. Again, even after all the work I've put in and all my realization of this, I was actually asking for crumbs, rather than the full f*cking cake. Plus the icing, right? And an extra bowl of icing on the side. ย
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So I have sat with this breathed into it, breathe through the pain. And that feeling of not being safe, it's almost like the big blob that being cut off. It's like, no, please, please, please, please do this. I'll do whatever, I'll do whatever you need, I'll be whatever you need. Just just just don't cut me off. Right? It's Oh my god, breathe through that. And to the point of, okay, somebody thinks I'm a hysterical female, just because I expressed my anger and fucking like, held this shit up in front of them. ย
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That's okay. Do I really want that person in my life? I thought I did. Right? It's weird kind of flipping about, because they're not actually fucking what I need to know to hold me as I really am. And I have to change my shape to be with them. Well, why the f*ck would I want that? ย
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Sorry, lots of swearing today. ย
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So instead of that, I'm now holding space for myself, to maybe never have what I truly want, but to not compromise on that. But to be met, in this space of what I am. ย
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And it was actually the realizations that I had came from me holding myself in an energy of what I truly wanted in someone and realizing that actually, what I had said I wanted was not even a fraction of it, it was just like a smudge compared to what I truly want, which is something amazing and magnificent. And I want to be with someone that I can grow with and expand with and actually talk to you about these things and who's can understand it. And you'll be fascinated by the process I'm going through as opposed to like you like, you know, thinking a bit too hard, aren't you? ย
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And it's so interesting, because, you know, my ex husband, god bless his cotton socks when I used to tell him stuff about you know, when I was studying hypnotherapy, and like a process that we'd all been through, and I would tell him this stuff because I was trying to, I knew that it was pertinent to him, and that he had the same thing. ย
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So I would tell him about an experience and then you could see him contract. And then he would he would go Oh, hang on a bit hard, aren't you? Oh my god, I think we're no I don't think so. I think we're moving through our stuff. And it's that like that contraction, and that inability to even I can see that there is something to go into there that creates the suffering. ย
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And in the end, that's what our separation was. It was like him stuck in his suffering and blaming me for everything. I mean, that's a broad generalization statement there. There was intricacies there. But you know, basically blaming the world, being in victim mentality, blaming everybody else and like, you know, coming up, like, you know, having to like god, and you know, victim, because he's like, holding on and resisting, going into what's there. ย
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And me, like, willingly throwing myself off the cliff again and again and again, and going into the pain of the fire and expanding and expanding until we're no longer compatible, our energies, even though he's a beautiful person, and a beautiful man that has a kind heart. He couldn't allow me to be what I wanted to be, and instead trying to control me to be what made him feel safe. ย
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So yeah, I'm gonna hold space for what I actually want, and not accept less, while also holding space for myself to be in the pain of the fact that I might never get that. And yeah, maybe I won't be alone forever. Because I would rather that now, than keep, I'm almost like, I've been clipping my own wings, kind of bird and I'm clipping my own f*cking flight with feathers, right, so I can't truly soar and fly. Because I've just been trying to get what I thought I could have, as opposed to experience what I truly want. ย
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Anyway, I hope you got something out of that.
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I'll just tell you something really exciting, too. You know, if you listened to my last podcast episode, I talked about my girlfriend Shanna and I are getting a jewelry business, a shop, and it's up and running. So if you go to savagebohostudio.com/shop, that's gonna take you to, at the moment, the Etsy shop, if we're still with Etsy, when you're when you're listening to this, maybe it'll be Shopify by then, or something else that's gonna take you to a shop, so you have a look, you don't have to buy anything, just go to have a look at what we're doing and what we're creating. ย
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But if you do want to buy something, then I have a discount code for you podcast. If you just put podcast in, it's gonna give you 10% off anything that you buy. So I want to offer you that as a gift. ย
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And thank you for like listening. I really appreciate it. And you know, I actually cried a little bit last night when I logged into Simplecast, which is where I put my podcasts are and I saw, like how many people were listening had listened to me last week. ย
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And that really touched me it really moved me and it really inspired me just to keep showing up more for myself but also for other people, so that they can maybe get some wisdom or some inspiration or just to have a laugh at me if that's really what it comes down to. ย
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So I want to thank you. ย
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So yeah, go to savagebohostudio.com/shop and use the word podcast and that will get you 10% discount. ย
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So thank you so much. I really want to honor you for showing up in your own life and for yourself and being on the journey to create the most magnificent life possible. ย
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