We go to school and learn things like how to add up, ancient history, and geography. And yet we are never taught just how to BE. We are asked the question, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' but are never asked, 'Who are you now? What do you want? What is important to you? What does living in your authentic truth look like for you?' Is it any wonder that we end up in a relationship that ultimately doesn't serve us, when we have no idea of what we truly want, or who we truly are? In this week's episode, I talk about compatibility within a relationship, how to work out what you want, what you need, and how to know when it's game over.
We go to school and learn things like how to add up, ancient history, and geography. And yet we are never taught just how to BE. We are asked the question, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' but are never asked, 'Who are you now? What do you want? What is important to you? What does living in your authentic truth look like for you?'
Is it any wonder that we end up in a relationship that ultimately doesn't serve us, when we have no idea of what we truly want, or who we truly are? In this week's episode, I talk about compatibility within a relationship, how to work out what you want, what you need, and how to know when it's game over.
Hi, it's Donna Joy Usher, and welcome to this 55th episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast.
Today, I'm going to talk about compatibility within relationships.
And this is something I'm learning at the moment, here I am, like, I'm 51 years of age, and I'm learning about communication skills, and compatibility and things like that within relationship.
And because I'm in my tantric practitioner training in month 10, and we're getting into couples practices.
And a lot of ground learning is just how to communicate in general in life, how to be a really good listener.
And then a lot of that has taken into relationship and intimate relationships, but can be used obviously, just in life in general, with all relationships with friends, with family, things like that.
Today, I want to talk about, it's probably more just to do with couples practices, which is compatibility within relate within a couple.
But it's really interesting to me that here I am, at my age learning this stuff.
And I mean, you kind of, I kind of know it on some level, but it's sharpening up and refining things actually giving me skills within my own life to use, which is making me a better friend, you know, a better partner, and a better self, really how to being a better self.
You know, we go to school, and we learn how to, you know, add up to plus two, and we learn about history, and we learn about geography, but we don't get taught how to be, you know, we don't get taught about boundaries.
Nobody ever sits you down when you're in primary school and says, hey, what do you want? I mean, I said, What do you want to be when you grow up?
You know, there's Oh, my God, the pressure when I want to be when I grow up?
What about how do you want to be in life?
That's a far more important question.
And because of our woundings, because of how we're trying to make shape of the world, because no one ever sits down and explains this stuff to us.
And all of the things that we make up about ourselves and about the world, you know, what we end up becoming, and being is often just a shadow of who we really could be or who we actually are.
Because we're trying to stay safe.
And we're often just hanging out with people who make us feel safe.
So they're reflecting back to us what we believe or what we think.
And we get with partners, and then we spend a whole time trying to get from them what we need, when in reality, when we know who we are, and we know what I want to need that and we know what our boundaries are. And we know how we are safe within our own body, then we can come into relationships with someone and we can actually see them for their three dimensionality. And for who they truly are.
You know, when I ended my 27 year relationship with my ex husband, I don't think he actually knew who I truly was.
And, and I probably didn't know who he truly was.
I mean, I probably I think I probably had a better idea of who he was because I was the one that was always compromising to make things work, to make it be how he wanted it.
But even at the end, things that he would say about me or to me, it made me realize that he didn't accept who I was.
And in fact, if something that I wanted was different to him, or something that I needed was different to what he needed, then I was being high maintenance, or I was being fussy.
And, you know, we never communicated properly. Sure, we talked. And we talked about stuff, but we never learned to have healthy communication.
And so this is stuff I'm going to talk about in the next few episodes.
Because it's really, really important.
And it's part of growing up, part of maturing, you know, and part of being that bigger person be able to hold space for somebody else. And to see them in their three dimensionality and to not judge them.
And to try to understand them, even though what they might be saying might be different to what you think and feel.
And this is, you know, being a good listener.
Chantal Raven, my mentor in the tantra space at the moment, she said that her dad taught her that being a good listener, was listening with a willingness to change your mind.
And not because you're compromising to stay safe or to keep the other person happy.
But because what that other person was saying might actually make more sense than what you currently believed, might actually be a bigger picture.
But most of us when we listen, we're just listening. And at that same time that we're listening in our head, we're forming our debate, reforming our argument for our side, so that we can be right.
Or we're just listening into this a break that's big enough for us to interject and to take over the conversation. And say what we think.
And the truth is that quite often we actually don't know what we really want or need.
We're just going off what we learned on how to stay safe.
So compatibility within a relationship is super, super important. Because being in alignment, and compatible means that you need to be this way in three different places. So the animal, which is sexually, so see I'm actually patting down at my sex chakra area.
And then heart, emotionally, and then mind consciously, there's three different centers of us.
And we need to be met in those spaces in all three places for us to be compatible in such a way that we're synchronistically working together, and not having to compromise in such a way that is not true to our authentic nature.
And this is what happens when, when there's, you know, incompatibility when a relationship normally, one person ends up compromising, and then that person ends up resenting the other person, and then that comes back to progressively and, you know, that was me and my relationship, I was the one that compromised, but then I was also the one that was just doing what I, you know, if I wanted to do something, I would just do it without asking, because I knew that they would kick up or, you know, so which is not fair when you're in relationship, right?
Or I would, I would say, sure, fine, then I would be secretly resenting them.
But because the alternatives were not options to me.
So the alternatives were either like not doing it, which I tried a few times, you know, not going along with the plan and actually forcing my plan, because then what I ended up with was a sulky man on my hands.
And that was no fun at all, it's kind of like a soggy piece of bread or sandwich, right?
So I would just then compromise because you know, normally what he wanted to do was just fun anyway, and I could go ahead and I knew I'd be or enjoy myself, but it wasn't what I truly want to be doing.
So my train of Thought again.
Okay, what I'm about to say makes sense.
So when you can commit to the other person with a full heart,
and when you are fully compatible, and when you're aware of what your wants and needs are within compatibility, because most of us aren't, and you're aware of what their wants or needs are, and you can choose them within that.
Then you're not spending all your time trying to change them to get what you actually want, or need or secretly need, right? Because normally what we secretly need, and that's why these conversations are so important.
So when we kind of start relationship often, it's like this some chance meeting, or maybe it's your internet date, or whatever. And we're always on our best behavior, right? When we first meet someone.
And, you know, we may not speak up, when something's not quite the way we like it.
Because, you know, we don't want to ruin the magic of the moment.
Or it's like that, you know, when you get swept up in that, like, how amazing they make you feel, and blah, blah.
And then you don't want to say anything, and create discord or disharmony there, because you don't want to risk losing that amazing feeling at the beginning.
So you don't say anything, you don't speak up for yourself, and then then starts a pattern of compromise.
Because then, you know, 10 years later, when you do start to speak up yourself, then incompatibility is there.
And yet, it's like, we think that if we're going to have that it should just be this magical thing where we just work together. And we shouldn't need to have these conversations, instead of actually having formal conversations around stuff, and being true to yourself, and then actively choosing each other and actually choosing to work together and being able to have good communication skills.
And you know, when relationships start that way, where you're not quite sure who the other person is, or what they want, and then you just kind of compromising and stuff.
And then to get to the point where you're not happy, neither partner is fully happy.
Because they're not being fully chosen for who they are.
They're compromising in different areas that are actually quite important to themselves.
But there's always a reason why they shouldn't leave.
So it may be just that they're too scared of being by themselves, that they'd rather be with something, someone, than by themselves, because then they're not able to sit in the discomfort of being by themselves.
And that happens quite often.
And people just like, oh, I just like being in relationships.
No, you just don't like being by yourself.
And when you can actually be truly happy by yourself and joyous by yourself, then you wouldn't choose to be in something that you weren't happy in.
And that's where the work is.
You know, when I left my husband, I spent a couple of years by myself of not going into relationship, not attracting anything because I knew that whatever I attracted at that point would be more of what I'd had.
And I had to shift my vibrational energy and I had to love myself. So I could receive love. And I could start to attract and call in what I truly wanted.
And it really does work.
So
calling this flu brain.
But I'll talk more about that another time, about how it works and about the energy of holding that end result and what you want.
Today, we want to talk about compatibility.
So people don't leave because they don't want to be by themselves. Or maybe there's kids involved, almost like, What would people think? Or, you know, there's all these different reasons for why they don't leave, and instead, they stay in unhappy relationship. And what is the fucking point? What is the point of being unhappy? Why?
I just don't, I don't understand it personally, myself.
I mean, now, when I did it for years, but I actually wasn't being honest with myself, because I was with a good kind man. And I couldn't admit to myself that I actually wasn't happy on the surface, I was making it happy, happy, happy, and always compromising, we can do this, we can do that.
And I kept myself so busy, that I couldn't, I couldn't actually be with my feelings.
And then one day, I realized I was unable to touch joy, I was doing a Joe Dispenza meditation and, you know, elevated emotion, and I just couldn't touch joy anymore.
And I just started crying.
And I knew that something had to change. And from that moment on, that's kind of like when I started my journey towards ending it.
So most relationships start without a conversation without looking at compatibility, but then they don't end because of reasons. And if you actually took the time to make sure that you are compatible at the very beginning, then you wouldn't end up in the trauma of staying in something and compromising.
And most of us have actually never taken the time to work out what it is that we truly want in relationship or what we truly want in life, when we truly want for ourselves, what kind of just fall into relationships, and it feels great, and someone's loving us.
And it feels nice to wake up next to somebody and you know, we're getting something out of it.
But we don't know really what we truly want.
And when you sit down and you actually work out what you want, and then your partner works out what they want.
And then you can have a really good conversation around compatibility, then you can start to see maybe where their gaps are, then you can start to have really good conversation, allowing them to have their own thoughts and their own feelings, and listening and not attacking.
You know, so often we try to make somebody else be just another version of ourselves, rather than actually appreciating who they truly are.
So you want to look at what are your wants, and needs surrounding those three centers, your animal, your heart and your head.
So sex, how often do you really want it?
And here's the thing, to be really real with yourself.
Because I talked about a process I went through maybe a month and a half ago, where I had stated what I wanted, and then when I was ultimately rejected within that, and I sat with it, and I was dealt with the pain of that, I was actually able to say that you know what, that even wasn't what I wanted, I wanted bigger than that. I wanted more than that.
But I had dumbed it down, trying to just kind of like almost like, hey, can you just throw me the scraps from the table, please, I'm quite happy to split the, the crust of the bread. I don't need the whole piece of bread, just just flicked me some crumbs. That's okay. That's what I was doing, right?
And then I couldn't even have the fucking crumbs.
But it allowed me to see that it actually wasn't something about me.
And the universe wasn't trying to tell me that I wasn't allowe, perhaps I was just asking the wrong person.
And I was asking a person who wasn't capable of giving me what I wanted, even the scraps, right? Let alone the whole picture.
The whole picture was so much bigger, and so much better.
When I could see and hold that energy of wanting to be adored, wanting to be a priority, wanting to have somebody, you know, hold me and listen to me, and be able to have good communication with them, and have amazing sex with them, and be met on all three levels, you know, being able to have fantastic conversations about deep spiritual things and be in the healing space with me.
And all this stuff.
When I realized that's actually truly what I wanted and committed to having nothing rather than that.
Make sure I said that the right way.
Yeah. I'm not sure if that came out the right way.
But what I'm trying to say there is that I committed to nothing, rather than having something less than that.
Yeah, that's the right way to say it.
So yeah, I realized what I wanted, I held the energy of it and I'm like, well, if I can't have this, I don't want anything because I'd rather be by myself than have less than this.
And when I was able to do that, and I was stepping to that end result of that energy that I wanted, everything changed.
So, sex, how often do you want it?
What do you want it to look like?
Do you just want vanilla sex?
Do you want spicy sex?
Do you want maybe a bit a bit of fantasy play?
There's nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy play.
You know, do you secretly want things and fantasize about things that your partner doesn't even know about?
Maybe, maybe they want the same thing.
Or maybe they can just listen to you and help you have that fantasy?
Even if it's not something that they want themselves?
Maybe, you know, for them to help you in that in that field would not be an incompatibility for them.
You know, do you do want it just once a month?
Do you want to be touched for half an hour before penetration?
Do you want to be asked to be penetrated?
If you're ready?
You know, do you want to be tied up?
You know, all these things?
What do you secretly want?
These things are all fine.
So be honest with yourself, what do you want, and then listen, without fear to what your partner truly wants.
And it can be scary to hear what somebody else wants. Because within that, there's always a fear that we're not enough. But knowing that you are enough to start with, right, if you can come from that solid place of self love and worth and knowing that you're enough, and that you are lovable. And really stop making anything that they say, mean something about you and your lack of.
Which is what we do, right, which is why we attack because when someone says something, we interpret into it and weave into it some meaning which they actually didn't mean, they're just trying to say something about themselves.
And then we weave in this whole different thing. And we go off on this tangent, then we attack, right because we feel vulnerable, and we don't feel safe.
So this is the thing of communication. And you know, with compatibility is being able to express what you want and need in a safe space. And this is where you know, what I'm learning at the moment is to help couples do this.
And maybe you need somebody to help you do this, to hold this space for you and to be non judgmental. And to be able to say, stop, you know, this person is talking.
You need to listen to them and really listen to them and ask them questions to understand them better.
So when you say you want to make love once a day, are we talking about a two hour session? We're talking about a quickie? You know what, what do you mean here?
You know, when you say you want to be tied up? What do you want to happen? When you get tied?
Ask questions, to find out exactly what it is and what.
Okay, so that's the animal side of it.
Now, obviously, if one partner wants to have sex every day, wants to get to find out once we dominated or wants to dominate or whatever, and the other partner wants to have vanilla sex, once a month.
There's a really big incompatibility there.
And either partner is going to compromise or maybe both are going to compromise, but their needs are not going to get met.
And they're going to have to sacrifice and abandon the trueness of who they really are.
Now, maybe the one who just wants to have sex, once a month, maybe their thing is that they actually want to be touched for half an hour before sex.
And once that starts to happen, maybe they'll be open to sex more often. Maybe they're just not enjoying the way their partner is touching them.
Maybe if they were enjoying the way their partner was touching them, they wanted all the time.
Here, this is where these conversations come in, and where honesty and transparency is so important within relationships, we just leave everything up to guesswork, and they get so angry when they can't read our mind.
And, you know, remembering that we're not reading their mind either. It's not always about us, there's two people in a relationship.
Okay, so the next is the heart emotions, you know?
How do you feel?
How do you want to feel?
Do you want to be, you know, given declaration of love?
And do you want to be like told nice things about yourself all the time?
Do you want to get presents and flowers?
Do you just want someone to that wants to hold you and touch you? You know?
What is it that you want from your heart? What is your heart's true desire? And that can be difficult for men because they're often not tapping into their heart.
And this is like with Tantra. It's a whole different thing, getting a man to move his consciousness just from his sex and up to his heart because his polarity is down there.
And that's just the way it is.
And a woman's polarities, her heart. And you know, we used to think that this was like the universe's big joke about oh, we're so different. But in reality, it's perfect.
Because the woman is there to kindle the man's heart and the man is that a kindle her sex.
And it's that yin and yang coming together which makes that perfect, that perfect relationship, when both of them are able to be wholly who they are and be authentic within their truth and are compatible.
So what are you want in heart, emotions and share that.
And then what do you want from your mind? What are your values? What are your consciously?
What's important to you?
What do you want to be to have conversations around?
You know, does your partner need to be on the same journey as you?
Do they need to be into health like you are, do they need to be the same diet?
You know, because with the compatibility and without once a needs, there are non negotiables, which are this not I have to have this for me to be authentically in my truth. It has to be this way.
But we don't get to force stuff onto someone, right?
So maybe it's just like for me to be authentically in my truth, I need to be eating gluten free.
And I need to be looking at my health all the time and choosing making wise health choices and exercising.
Do I unnecessarily need my partner to be doing that for me to be in my authentic truth?
I mean, sure, it'd be lovely to be on that same page.
Do I need it?
Is it a non negotiable?
I think probably for me, it's not so much that it would be a non negotiable.
But if they weren't on that page, there would be other non negotiables within there.
Other compatibility issues there.
Like if they weren't interested in their health, and fitness, and they probably wouldn't be interested in their mind and in spiritual stuff, and having deep conversations.
And for me, that is something that I want, definitely, I want to be able to have deep conversations with someone.
I want to be able to read books, and then philosophically discuss stuff with someone.
And I suspect that somebody who was into that level of depth would probably also be into looking after themselves, that maybe they wouldn't be.
So maybe, maybe that point for me is not a non negotiable, maybe I'm okay, just being healthy myself, and they can eat what they want.
And as long as they're not trying to force themselves on me, then that's fine.
But for me, a non negotiable is being on that journey, being on that spiritual path and being on the path to wholeness.
Because for me to be met, where I'm at, I need someone who's there as well with me.
Maybe a non negotiable is one partner wants to have children and the other doesn't.
And the other one really doesn't want kids and one really wants kids.
And also you've got an incompatibility.
And for those to even not have children, one is going to have to abandon themselves, and really give up on something that was really important to themselves in this life, or the other one's going to have them and then resent giving up their freedom because of it.
Or maybe one wants to travel the world, the other wants to settle down.
So you see what I mean, there's, there's things that are, you know, in the wants and needs, that are non negotiables, that are really important, that are not requests, okay?
And these are preferences or that so they're not not preferences or requests, they're actually things that make all the difference. And they're part of the authentic being of who that person is.
And for them to be able to authentically choose their relationship, that other person has to be in alignment with that thing.
But there's also, you know, incompatibility with non negotiables, which is fine, because there can be the dance of the compromise without either partner having to sacrifice themselves.
So what I'm saying here is that for compatibility, you know, to be compatible, you can have compromise.
As long as you're not giving up on something that is really super important to yourself, there's a non negotiable that is true to yourself, that would mean that you weren't living your life in your true authentic nature and purpose.
So for instance, if you like to really clean house, and they didn't give a shit.
And then you were always having to be the one that was cleaning, right?
Well, there's, there's ways to compromise, they're like,
Okay, this is making me really unhappy. I really like a clean house. It's really important to me, can you meet me? Can you keep it clean? And they're like, well, no, I don't want to have to pick up after myself all the time. I don't want to have to clean the bathroom. I don't want to have to like,
when I was a kid, I was made to scrub all this.
And now I don't want to have to do it.
Like, okay, well, can we get a cleaner?
Like, yeah, let's get a cleaner.
So once a week, let's get a cleaner.
And that way, we're both happy.
I've got a clean house, I'm not having to do it.
I'm not having to do more than half of my share.
hey're not having to clean the house to make me happy.
Another way that compromise can really work is if what the one partner wants is actually in the other partners best interest. And they can see that. And this comes down to obviously a deep desire within themselves to change and maybe to elevate themselves.
So for instance, if one partner is unhappy, and they're non negotiable, is that they're not with someone who has a deep addiction to something like alcohol, drugs, and the other person has an addiction.
Then perhaps, this person with the addiction can see that it is in their best interest for this compromise to be made, where they are able to go through what needs to be done to give up that addiction.
And they can see that it will actually be it will actually serve their higher purpose.
So we can get on a new page with something like, okay, well, this is gonna new pages, change it up.
And rather than either it was clean, that's going to cleaner, we can have it where one partner wants is actually in the best interest for the other partner as well.
And maybe they just need to support them as they go through that.
But it's really about making things work in such a way where it's not compromising the other.
So maybe it's like, you know, what, he wants to go off and, you know, go and hang out and cars and stuff. She's not interested in that. Does she have to be? No, unless she has like this non negotiable, which is, you know, I'm not going to be with someone who's got to think about cars.
And who knows why that might be, right?
Maybe something to do with doubt or something.
Unless there's a non negotiable like that, but it doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter if you're gonna go off with his mates once a week and just like talk car shit and hang out and maybe, you know, go to go and you know, go to car shows and look at stuff.
No, that's healthy.
That's him doing what he wants to do.
That's him having friends.
And like following his passion, does she have to have the same passion? No, she does not.
So, you know, things, other things that are like, maybe things to look at when you're thinking about what your what your things that you want to need in relationship are, you know, do you want to have date night every week?
Or maybe you want every night to be like after 8pm, zero phones, just connected?
Maybe you don't want to make dinner every night of the week?
Maybe you want to share it?
Or maybe it's a case of okay, well, if you don't want to cook, I don't want to cook every night of the week.
So I'm going to cook three or four nights.
And then the other three nights are up to you.
And so you can either get take away or you can take me out to dinner.
Yeah, there's there's compromise to be had here.
You know, how often do you want sex?
What do you want if you want to have sex?
Do you want them to shower first so they smell really nice and, you know, put on some nice aftershave for you?
Do you want to live together and share finances? Or do you want to live together and keep finances separate?
You know, and here's the thing, what we want and need, we're allowed to change it.
So it's really important to be true with ourselves in the very beginning of what we want and need.
And this is a conversation that really needs to be had and updated.
And as you realize that a want or need changes.
You know, maybe when you get together, you didn't want children, and then you realize that you do.
You know, I want children, you're okay, you're allowed to change your mind.
This is what life is about, life is fluid.
Life is about growing, life is about evolving.
And I find amazing that so many people kind of grow up, and they had this identity of who they are. And then that's it, they like freeze in time.
And they just go through their entire life with the same identity with the same world for you. And they spend their entire time backing that up, hanging out with people with that same, you know, same worldview, not open to expanding it or not open to changing because that's dangerous, that makes them feel unsafe.
So know that your boundaries can also be flexible and fluid, like with what we want to need. And maybe today, something is a no, but tomorrow is a yes. And that's okay. As long as you voice it. And as long as you don't stay secretly silent. And then like expect them to read your mind and then resent the fuck out of them when they don't, right. That's just really not fair.
But also don't feel like you have to defend yourself for what you want and need. You're allowed to have your wants and needs. And maybe there's a reason behind it that you want to share, maybe you don't, that's okay.
Maybe there's a reason behind it that you should share. So I can understand where you're coming from. And maybe within the sharing of that reason, you'll find that one need may even change and I've been finding that myself a little bit lately. I will think I have a certain boundary on something. And then when I talk into it, I'm like, well, actually, that could be kind of fun. And maybe I don't want it to be like that. But if it was like this, then I would actually like that.
So this is where good communication comes in. And really knowing yourself, spending time with yourself, and being honest with yourself and your partner.
And remembering that they're allowed to have different opinions to you. They are a 3d rational being, and you should curious about what's going on in their head.
Some people just looks like they turn their partner into a cardboard cutout of themselves that sit next to them on the couch every night. And that way they feel safe.
And they never really get to know how their partner thinks, what's the quirks they're not curious.
Be curious about who your partner is. And when you're curious about who they are, right, here's the ironic thing, when you turn your partner into a cardboard cutout and put them on the couch next to you, and they're just a version of you, you get bored of them, because they're not dynamic, they're not changing.
And really what we want is polarity to ourselves.
So on one hand, we're making them so that we feel safe, but on the other hand, we're bored. But when you can be curious about your partner, and you can realize that every day, they are different.
Every day, they are evolving.
Every day, they're having new thoughts, every day, they're having new creations, and you can be always curious about who they are, and what those new thoughts are,
and how they're evolving, then you're,
you stay in love with that person, they don't get boring.
Because just as you are always evolving, so are they.
And if you couldn't allow them to be who they are without feeling like you have to control that because of some safety thing. And you can just hold that space for them to show up in with zero judgment. And you know, and if they can do that for you, then you can have the most amazing, most beautiful relationship ever.
Okay, I hope you got something out of that. I hope I stayed on track.
I did actually make notes this time.
As normal if you want to find out more about me and what I'm doing, check out my personal website, donnajoyusher.com
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So stuff that we're actually making and creating. We're doing it from heart. So yeah, go check those out.
And if you are gonna go and if you do like something in the shop, then there's a coupon code I've set up for the podcast. So just the word PODCAST.
So use that to get a discount, which is my gift to you to thank you for following and listening and sharing and I hope that you're getting something out of these little thoughts that I have every week that I'm sharing, and I will see you for the next one.