𝗟𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 - Sharing My Story As I Heal My Soul, Surrender into My Feminine Power, and Learn to Live Through Heart

Episode 60 - Separating Attachment To Other

Episode Summary

This week I continue my journey from the pain of rejection through to the joy of having been able to choose myself fully. Listen to this episode of The Living Through Heart Podcast to hear how that happened and what it means moving forward in life.

Episode Notes

Episode Transcription

Hello, welcome to the 60th episode of the Living through Heart Podcast. I'm Donna Joy Usher.

Today, I want to talk about separating what you want from the person that you're getting it from.

I know that's very vague.

But if you've watched, either watch my last video, or listen to my last podcast on "When Secure Attachment Feels Wrong".

Basically, this is a week later for me of working through a process.

And I want to share where I'm at now and this latest discovery that I've had in the learning that I've had from this process.

So basically, I went into a process where I was in something that was amazing from my end, and incredible and it was everything that I wanted.

And I was getting treated in a way that was beautiful and very compatible on all three levels, like from sexually, from heart, and from mind.

And then the other person told me that they just felt no attachment to me, which was very painful.

And really incomprehensible for me in that moment, because I just couldn't understand how when everything felt so right for me, that they just felt no attachment to me.

And they said, this has never happened before.

I've never felt like this.

And they were able to admit that yes, everything was great, but there was no attachment there.

And the only way that it made sense to me was that it was because I have made myself way into secure attachment and then wasn't energetically needing them, needing anything from them.

Now whether or not that's true, that's just the only thing that actually makes sense, from an energy point of view, when they can admit that on every level that was amazing, and yet not feel that then then there's an energy thing there, right, a catch.

And for me, definitely I did notice that that was missing in the beginning, not missing in a bad way, but absent in a good way.

And it allowed me to actually see this person for who they are and to choose them.

So if you want more on that, go watch my video from last week, or listen to my podcast from last week as I go into this more in depth.

So I've spent the last week really going deep into this because I started to realize, actually, like this real lack of attachment from their side to me and how it made me feel.

And basically I went into rejection.

I felt really stupid, and really pathetic.

Because I had been in this, like, oh, everything was amazing. And then and they seemed to be enjoying it as well.

And then just it was like this real slap in the face with a wet fish moment for me to realize that it had just not been there on their side, even though it seems to be the way they're responding to me and reacting to me and what they were offering me and giving me and then just to have this thing like kind of like, come out of nowhere, in a way.

It made me feel really stupid.

And it made me feel very unsafe. And I've stuffed some emotion around that.

Even though I'm pretty much through this process, you know, I just I had thought that I was safe just to give.

And I had thought that I was safe just being my feminine and allow and to be adoring and then what I was giving wasn't being accepted or appreciated or wanted.

And yeah, it made me feel very stupid initially.

And then it kind of progressed from stupid and embarrassed to pathetic and I felt like because I was a little bit older.

I felt like this pathetic, older woman who is just like leeching onto this poor man.

And yeah, and that was quite demoralizing as well moving through that.

Anyway, last week has been full on in process, being with this, allowing it and holding myself in the fire of the pain so I could discover and unravel what was there somatically and unconsciously and moving through it.

So I've done a lot of work with one of my girlfriends, deep process, clearing ancestral stuff.

So basically I went to this big ashram meditation thing and while I was in that, I became aware of some ancestral energy within me that I hadn't been aware of till that moment and this chronic hip issue that I've had for like five years, I could feel this energy within there and then the ancestral line kind of came to mind and I was able to see, oh, this thing that had been in my grandmother and my paternal line, and how it was in me, very deep rooted, even though I wasn't consciously feeling this way, there was like a bitterness towards men and like, not trusting and stuff was there within my body.

So it allowed me to go into deep process around that with a friend and trace that out and release this energy.

And I went into many different things, and had a really big somatic release.

So I went into a session where I,

my intention was to release it.

So basically, what became my intention for the last week was to be able to choose myself fully, because I was able to see within this relationship that I hadn't, I had chosen them fully.

And I hadn't also chosen myself.

So it's not an either or situation.

I think first, it's like, put your own oxygen mask on, we need to always be choosing ourselves first. And being aware of what our non negotiable boundaries are, and our wants and needs and what we are negotiable on, and being allowing ourselves to be important and a priority.

And that was where I was falling over.

And I wasn't choosing myself, I wasn't allowing myself to be a priority or important to myself, or to them, and therefore I wasn't, I wasn't a priority or important.

And so from an energetic level, I had to move through this.

And this was one of the big lessons from this that I spoke about last week or the week before, I think.

Anyway, so I went into this really intensive week of choosing myself energetically being able to choose myself, and what I could feel was this chasm that was there.

And on one side of the chasm, I was and I was clinging to seeking validation from the masculine and not from my internal masculine, from the external masculine, which, you know, makes sense from, you know, as an anxious attaching female, that this was still there, the remnant of this energy was still there.

And then the thought of not doing that of not having that was filling me with sadness, because it was like this fear of actually never having what I wanted.

But the issue was that if I stayed on this side of the chasm, holding on to this, and, and wanting to get it from somebody else, rather than giving it to myself, that I was never going to have, I'm never going to be able to have it because what I was always going to be willing to accept was less than what I wanted, less than what I deserved, basically, because I wasn't going to be holding myself to a point where I wasn't accepting stuff that wasn't truly in my best interest.

And where I was being a priority, and where I was being important, because I wasn't allowing myself to be that important.

So I know this sounds, I know, at the moment, this feels confusing, perhaps you're getting me, but at the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is that whatever the energy that we have within ourselves, and how we're holding ourselves, and how we're treating ourselves, and the depth between our own masculine, feminine on the internal, is what we're creating on the external.

And I was not allowing myself to be important and a priority.

Because I was ready to sacrifice that to have something.

And it was almost like this, I've got this and you know what, it's pretty damn good.

Not quite what I want.

But if I show up, and show them how amazing I am, then they're gonna just automatically just give me what I want, they're not gonna be able to help it right.

But that doesn't, what happens because they're a three dimensional person with their own wants and needs, and with their own wounding patterns playing out.

And when I showed up, and didn't make myself a priority, and didn't choose myself first, and what I was basically saying was, hey, it's okay to not make me a priority.

It's okay, to not have me being important.

And it's okay to not choose me because you know what, I'm going to choose you anyway.

And you don't need to choose me because I'm not choosing myself.

And this is what had happened.

But I was clinging to this side of the chasm.

And this thing here, because it was like, but it's the only it's the only way that I knew to have what I thought I wanted or what I wanted, but it wasn't really getting.

And then on the other side of the chiasm was me choosing myself and me saying no, that's not enough.

No, I want to be a priority.

Or not even want, I AM a priority.

No, I am important.

And if I'm not treated that way, that's not enough.

So basically me, being able to knock back attention and affection and connection if it wasn't at the level of what was what I wanted and what I was willing to give myself.

And I gotta be honest, it's not like in the last three years, my cup has been overflowing with men wanting to date me.

In fact, it's been crickets.

So it's kind of scary for me to move to this side of the chasm, because it's not like, there's people lining up for me to pick and choose from.

And reality, this leap of faith to the other side, the chasm is also acknowledging that maybe, maybe I don't, maybe I'll never find somebody, maybe that person isn't there for me.

And I have to be okay with that, to do this, right to get to this to better choose myself, and to be able to put boundaries in place of how I expect to be treated.

And if I'm not, then this is not okay.

I have to be willing to have no body and be able to give myself what I need.

And this is so scary, this chasm was so huge.

And so last week, I was clinging to this side of the chasm.

And then I was like, right,

I need to get to the other side, I need to get to the point where I am choosing myself and I am in that power, not just in my head, not just saying it, but actually unconsciously embodying it as well.

So that my reactions and my actions and, and maybe inactions, you know, surrounding this all back this up, and I'm not going to compromise any further, where I'm doing what I always have done, where I've folded energetically into whatever it is into whatever shape is left for me within relationship, I will become that shape to have it.

And yeah, so it's been a scary week, a lot of fear there, a lot of really deep process.

And I think I'm finally on the other side.

And so we then everything going into process and releasing ancestral stuff.

And then I went into this really deep process where I actually just somatically released trauma for like an hour, with some help of some friends doing like wound release, and you know, just this stuff just coming through me and my whole body like convulsing and shaking and, and not actually controlling it, but just allowing it.

It's like really like nothing else I've ever experienced. I've had, I've had minor cases of this happening.

But this was like, massive.

And all I can assume is that stuff that was no longer attached, no longer needed, with all the work that I had done that I was able to release the energy of these moments within my body.

And I didn't know what they were.

And I gotta admit, I was I was assuming that they were to do with sexual stuff.

But at the end, I started to get some flavor and some hints of memories around the last stuff that was coming out.

And it wasn't all about that, it was actually even just like, having been, you know, ousts from circles of friends at school, and that rejection and the abandonment and not feeling enough through that that was coming through as well.

So all of these moments in time where I had locked the energy and the belief system in my body, I think was coming through me and it was very powerful.

So at the end of all that, I was still grieving.

And I was like, well, what is going on?

Why am I not choosing myself and then I realized something really, really important.

I realized that what I was grieving wasn't the person.

And in my mind, I thought it still was right.

But then I realized that oh, wait, it's not the person.

And I was able to disconnect that person from the thing that I was actually grieving and what I was grieving was having been having stopped something and being treated in a certain way that I have never been treated before, where even though on the big picture level, there was stuff going on that now that I've broken down the illusion of what I was making be there right I can see that there was good and bad there.

And yes, on one level when we were present with each other, it was really beautiful.

And what I wanted was there within that moment of the being taken care of, being able to surrender into my feminine with a strong masculine.

Being able to have great communication, great conversation, great connection and intimacy and fun, you know, be able to have some fun together and read for me my idea of fun is not the average person's idea of fun my idea of fun is like binge watching Joe Dispenza and stuff like that.

Don't get me wrong, I do like doing that with fun stuff as well like you know, go to the beach and playing and stuff like that, but for me, fun is really self development as well.

And that was matched so well on one level that was all there when I dissolve the illusion I was able to see that you know what there was actually a lot of crappy moments as well for me where I was putting up with stuff and compromising stuff where I wasn't being made a priority in reality, it was actually the second option thing, and not blaming them, because this thing kind of happened, it wasn't through, getting to know each other, and then choosing and committing it, it just kind of happened.

And or, you know, respect to this person as well, as soon as they were able to feel, you know, because we were consciously creating something even that just kind of happened, we went into conscious creation, and we did conversation surrounding compatibility, and they were able to quite quickly see that actually, you know, this isn't compatible for me, a couple of levels.

One, there was that lack of attachment and to actually wanted a family, which I was unable to provide, in any way, shape, or form, unless, you know, they wanted four legged ones.

So, while all this, you know, stuff was there, I was there was also this, there was a good stuff, but there was also the bad stuff.

And I was not seeing the bad stuff, I was overlooking the bad stuff.

I was just kind of like, so like, hell bent on only focusing on this good stuff, because it was what I had always wanted, that I've never had, that I was denying the bad stuff.

So I was able to see, when I disconnected the person from the good stuff, I was able to go, you know what, actually, there was 50/50, there was some great stuff there, there was some pretty shit moments too.

But I mean, all in all, you know, freaking amazing, because the shit moments taught me so much, right.

In fact, the whole thing taught me so much. It showed me that what I wanted actually was possible, you know, to be treated in the conversation, that connection, that communication, that that it actually was possible, because, you know, I've talked about this to some of my girlfriends before about what I wanted.

And they're like, I just don't think it's possible.

I just don't think there's men out there that can do it.

But it show me that it was possible, right?

And then the bad stuff was like, well, it showed me all my lessons about how I wasn't choosing myself, how I wasn't prioritising myself, how I wasn't making myself be important.

How I was always letting myself be a second option.

So you know, there was there's so much there within this.

But the disconnection showed me that what I was griveing was not the person.

It was all that stuff that I wanted that they had provided, but that it didn't have to come from them.

And this is the important thing that I realized, oh, my God, this is what I want.

It doesn't have to be this person that provides it.

And in fact, what I want is this without all this stuff.

So it can't be this person that provides it because this person comes with all this other stuff with all this other baggage and within their own wounding.

Right, they're not able to give them actually give me what I want without the bad stuff, at the moment with where they're going, and I'm sure one day they will be able to provide someone with that, right?

Because they're aware, and they're working through stuff as well.

And so then I was able to say, hey, well, actually, what I want is this amazing stuff, but to be chosen for the myself, which means that I have to choose myself late, right, and this is the other side of the chasm, and we're now I'm like, Hey, I am choosing myself fully.

And I'm showing up for myself.

And I'm able to, you know, not rush into stuff, not fold into stuff, to take my time to get to know them, to consciously create in the very beginning, to have compatibility conversations without being embarrassed with...

I mean, you know, it's like, we go into this stuff. And then we feel embarrassed to talk about things that are there that really should be talked about.

And to be able to have those conversations from the very beginning, before you're emotionally involved and attached.

And, you know, you've met the family and friends and it's all just gotten bigger,maybe you've moved in together.

And then to realize, you know what, there's some shit here that I should have talked about at the beginning that I didn't, and it's still not here.

And I was hoping it would come and now it has and now I realize it we're not compatible.

And now it's like, oh, hard, right?

It's hard to leave something when there's so many reasons not to go.

But you're just not happy.

And I don't understand why we shouldn't be taught to have this communication and conversation before we just get intimate with someone.

And we are so quick just to go on a date.

And then just to not say anything, because we feel like we're being high maintenance or we feel like maybe there weren't like us if we voice it, and then we don't say it and then really is there inside us maybe you know, or we feel embarrassed by it.

Or maybe we've been shamed for in the past, you know, but I mean, this journey is about being able to be real with who we are to meet ourselves. To meet ourselves fully so that we can show up in a way to ask for what we want.

And yeah not be being needy.

So this isn't about like, ask, like expecting this person to, to give us like what we need, from a point of view of to make us happy, or to make us safe, or, you know, these things that we should be able to do ourselves.

I mean, if we can't be happy by ourselves, then we definitely not gonna be able to have that in relationship, initially, yes, yes, it's like, amazing.

But then when that dies down, then we're still gonna be unhappy, because that's basically what's there underneath, right.

And until we've worked through a process of being able to be happy by ourselves, and we're never going to be unhappy in relationship either.

So on the other side of the chasm, of choosing myself, what I feel is a new strength.

A new sense of being, a definite sense of self.

And an ability to, I mean, as I said, it's not like there's a queue of people to practice this on, but ability to if someone were to be interested in me, to not to just like, be so overcome and overwhelmed by someone being interested in me that I'm, I immediately fold into them, and start to prioritize around them and like, what they want and what they need, and what their interests are, but to be able to hold myself for who I am, because I actually know who I am now.

And I know what I want.

And I know what's important to me.

So to be able to stay true to all of that.

And this is, I guess a journey of self discovery, right, of discovering who we are without others, so that we can maintain who we are when we're with others.

And I think that that's crucial. And it's not something we're taught at school, and it's not something we're taught in life.

Because it's not a common thing, right.

It's not a common thing that people are doing, to get to know ourselves so intimately.

And to be so comfortable with ourselves, by ourselves.

And to be choosing ourselves important to ourselves.

And to be in our power, but in a beautiful, gentle way not having to like force what we need from other people, because we're actually giving it to ourselves, that when we come into a relationship with people, we're able to hold the tension on the structure and see if what we want and need is actually there rather than just throwing ourselves into it, and then hoping that we get what we want.

So anyway, I don't know if that made sense at all, but it's where I'm at right now through this journey.

And I am yeah, at the other side.

And I I had messaged when I was in this process, because my mind was actually getting to a point where he's actually doing some unhealthy and not helpful things.

It was going off into drama and fantasy of like this, how badly I was being rejected.

And the patheticness and the pain of feeling stupid, right?

It was creating the story.

So actually messaged them and said, hey, just wanting to know, are you actually wanting to maintain a friendship?

Because we were, there was a friendship first.

I'm just wanting to know how far I go through this process.

Like am I just completely, you know?

So funny.

I want to say the word 'discombobulating;, that's not, it's not what I'm doing.

But I just wanted to say that word discombobulate, I really liked that word.

Was it was a totally moving so far away that there was a nothing there.

And I was okay with that or was I moving to a point of being able to maintain a friendship.

And they were like, well, yeah, I would like to maintain a friendship.

So it's like, okay, cool.

I'm not there yet.

And then, within a 24 hour period, I was there, I was able to do that.

And to now message them and say, okay, I'm ready to be friends, and to observe myself within that to see what else is there to see if there is anything else there that that triggers up or flares up so that I can continue doing the work, but at the moment, it feels really good.

You know, we've been chatting about different stuff.

I've been sharing the process I've been through.

And yeah, there's really nothing there for me other than just friendship, which is really beautiful, which makes me realize that you know, consciously creating a relationship when we are in secure attachment is not about that, drawing in of the energy where you just like immerse and mesh yourself in somebody else's energy and it's amazing, but it's about, you know, being able to find something with someone and create a friendship and then choose to be in relationship with them.

Which is not what I'm doing in this case now, right. I already did that.

And now I've been able to separate myself back out, but maintain the friendship side of it.

Because I'm not making it mean anything about myself that he doesn't want to be with me.

I'm just realizing it's where he's at.

And it, you know that I'm not right, on what I'm not what he wants.

And that's okay.

Because when I dissolved the illusion, ultimately, the whole package together was not what I wanted either.

Because there was things there that weren't, weren't in my best interest, and weren't actually loving for me.

And I guess that's it right?

You know, when we're always loving to ourselves, then we can make sure that whatever we accept into our lives is also loving to us.

And if it's not, then we need to really start to ask some questions and to do some really deep soul searching about why are we staying in this?

And the more and more I do this work, the more amazed I am about the quality of relationships that are out there that have been maintained.

And the why.

Why is that?

What, what is it about relationship when it's not beautiful? And when it's not loving? And when it's not supportive? And it's not, like holding you?

What is there that would make us maintain a relationship within that, and don't get me wrong, you know, it's not like, I haven't been there myself.

But the further I get from that, the more I wonder, why are we doing this to ourselves?

And, you know, obviously, it's social, and cultural beliefs, and self beliefs as well, you know, that are keeping us in these things.

And, you know, I just, yeah, I'm amazed by it actually, more and more about some of the quality of the relationships that I see where there just doesn't seem to be any love to self or other.

And, and why would you stay in that?

I wonder?

We know what is it that makes us feel that that is better than being alone?

And in saying that, I mean, as I said, I was there for years, myself, you know, with a good person, but neither of us were happy. And we were staying in that because of what because of not really knowing any better or anything else.

Because of convenience, because we're financially entwined, you know, all these reasons to stay, that energetically make it hard to go.

And you know, when we're not giving ourselves what we need,

And really what we're getting is just from this like it, then yeah, I can understand that it would be hard to leave, which I guess is why we need to do the journey of giving ourselves what we need, giving ourselves what we want, and learning to love ourselves.

So that we can move through life.

And it's not like I'm saying that we move through life without pain when we love ourselves.

Because there's always going to be things there's pain and pleasure, it's the duality of life, it's what we're here to experience is duality of the pain and the pleasure together.

And it's the contrast of each of them that make us in able

to see and, you know, we learn from both the pain and the pleasure, but the pain is a very big teacher, definitely. Pain is a message to us of something that we don't have.

And in fact, I was talking to my girlfriend, Charlotte, on the other day, she's been doing a lot of work with the Possibility Management people.

And I've talked about this before, and I've talked about bright words and the frequencies of these words that match up with the who we are.

And she was saying that she's in a single fear club at the moment.

And that fear and anger.

I mean, these things, these emotions, and these feelings are the names and the words that we give them, but they're really frequencies and vibration of information.

And fear and anger are kind of like fear is like the intuition that drives us forward.

And then anger is what gives us the ability to move in life.

And then sadness gives us the information that there's something missing, then we need to act on.

And then joy gives us the information when we're when we're there and we have what we want.

And on a very low frequency, I get that.

And I think that what happens is that when the vibration of these frequencies of these emotions get too great because we're resisting one of our woundings, then we get stuck.

We get stuck in the fear.

We get stuck in the anger, we get stuck in a sadness.

We never get stuck in the joy, unfortunately.

Well, I mean, I guess people do right when they're getting more towards enlightenment and stop this there in the joy.

It's a beautiful place to be.

And I think at a higher frequency these emotions actually keep us stuck, but in a low level frequency, it's them that are propelling us forward.

So that was really interesting.

Because first when she said it, I found myself rejecting it, because I didn't want to think that fear and anger were necessary.

But it's what we, the import that we give these words and what they mean to us, which is negative, right?

That fear and anger and negative things.

Sadness is a negative thing.

But in reality, they're just information, theyre just frequencies of information that we're receiving, and then it's what we're making the mean about us, which is making them bad, right?

So I won't be going to talk about that today, it's something else for you to think about.

So I hope that you've got something out of this.

I mean, I have, just kind of whenever I share this stuff of my journey, it helps me to flesh my thought processes out more and for me to really cement stuff in more.

So thank you for listening.

And allowing me the chance to do this and I hope that you have also gotten something out of it and have an amazing day and I will see you next time