𝗟𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 - Sharing My Story As I Heal My Soul, Surrender into My Feminine Power, and Learn to Live Through Heart

Episode 63 - Can you accept what you say you want?

Episode Summary

I am in the amazing position to be receiving in relationship everything I have ever said I wanted, and yet, am observing my mind struggle to accept it. In this episode I share what is happening, what I observing within, and what is really going on in my unconscious and my conscious minds.

Episode Notes

I am in the amazing position to be receiving in relationship everything I have ever said I wanted, and yet, am observing my mind struggle to accept it. In this episode I share what is happening, what I observing within, and what is really going on in my unconscious and my conscious minds. 

Episode Transcription

Hello, it's Donna Joy Usher, and welcome to this 63rd episode of The Living Through Heart podcast.  


Hi, It's Donna Joy Usher from Living through Heart.  


Today, I want to talk about whether or not we can accept what we say we want.  


So whether or not we can actually allow it.  


And it's because of something obviously, I'm going through at the moment, where everything I said I want to and all my dreams have kind of manifested and coming true at the moment.  


And I want to share this process that I'm going through within that space and the psychology behind it and what's happening on an unconscious level.  


And just so you can maybe observe within yourself similar things and be aware of it.


So on my last video, my last podcast episode I shared about a program that I had had running, I went to the markets with a friend, the market got shut down, and we were we had our jewelry store, Savage Boho Studio, our first market and there was a gentleman who I liked, and who I thought might be attracted to me, who would said he would come to this to come to the market to see us.  


And then we went to the market we set up and then very quickly, we got shut down because the weather was bad, there was some lightning around and it wasn't safe, and we got made to go home.


And the program that got triggered up in me was this part of me that really, truly believed that she had to just stay very still and be very good and very quiet.  


Or she wouldn't be liked.  


She wouldn't be lovable.  


She couldn't have what she wanted.  


So she basically had to just like, be very quiet.  


And if she was too high maintenance, if she was too hard work, then they wouldn't want her.  


And that was such an amazing thing to observe within myself, you know, having gone through what I went through with the gentleman that I saw, where I realized how I was making myself a second option all the time or allowing myself to be a second option.  


And then realizing off the back of that this part of me that was still there.  


Even with all that work, I'd done well now with so much about allowing yourself to be second option, but that she had to be not high maintenance, she had to be easy, because if she was any sort of effort at all, had to be put on her path, then she wasn't worth the bother.  


And since then, I haven't recorded anything because I have been going through quite a lot of stuff.  


And I didn't know where I was landing.  


I haven't landed fully yet, but I've landed enough within it to be able to share where I'm at right now.  


So since the markets, this gentleman who I was very attracted to for quite a long time, and I've never really spoken to, asked me out.  


And it was it was beautiful.  


I got asked out this date and got taken out and got, you know, built this effort put on my behalf right.


You know, beautiful restaurant.  


And he actually said he scoped out the restaurant first went and checked it out and rang to make sure that they could do you know, gluten free for me


made sure that they could do gluten free for me,  


and got the waterfront table and picked me up with the car.  


And he was all beautifully dressed up in a beautiful collared shirt and dress pants and polish shoes.  


And there was all this effort being put on my behalf.  


And that one date, very quickly tended to another date and another date and another date.  


And basically now, we're seeing each other.  


And everything that I said I wanted, like I had a conversation probably three months ago, I probably even posted on here about what I want to.  


And I wanted to be important and I wanted to be prioritized.  


And I wanted to be made to feel like I was special.  


And I wanted effort put in on my behalf.  


And I wanted to feel like a goddess you know, like a princess, a queen.  


And I wanted this person to basically not be up to be scratching their head, trying to work out why I was single and thinking all the men out there were crazy.  


And everything that I said that I wanted, I have got and I've been in so much discomfort.  


Luckily, I understand the mind, human mind, at a very deep level and I understand myself and I have done a lot of work on myself so that I'm able to observe myself within this rather than being totally hijacked by it, letting it rule me and letting it letting me self sabotage something very, very beautiful that's happening for me.  


And I don't know if you've you've watched the video or listened to podcast recently where I shared about, you know, I had been dating someone who had then said they had no zero attachment to me.  


And basically, it was because I was in secure attachment and I wasn't creating any drama.  


And that's what triggered up the part of me that realized that she was willing to make herself a second option.  


So at the time, I thought that that was what that relationship was forged, for me to be able to see how I had been so willing to make myself the second option just to have love.  


But now I'm realizing the second gift that that gave me, which was seeing him in action, self sabotage, a relationship when he was getting everything that he said he had wanted.  


So the way I was treating him, the way I was being with him, the way I was showing up, was exactly how he wanted to be treated.  


And he couldn't handle it.  


So uncomfortable.  


It created, you know, reasons to not be together.  


And, and you know, they're his reasons, they're totally valid reasons, because that's where he's at.  


And I'm not, you know, I'm not questioning that, from the point of view of saying he was lying, he was absolutely in truth within that.  


But it was the discomfort of what was there between us that was creating this need for separation.  


And this person is actually back with his ex partner now, who we had lengthy discussions about the relationship and how he wasn't getting what he needed.  


So it was quite interesting for me to observe that within him, and then to observe the same stuff coming up within myself.  


When I was given adoration, and compliments, words of affirmation, you know, touch, having someone look after me, after me, having someone look out for me, having someone hold space, for me, having someone cook for me, having someone put effort on my behalf, open doors for me plant seeds for me, while a part of me was, or is absolutely loving it, and can't get enough of it, and feels very safe with this person, and feels very cherished, and important, and special, and like a goddess and everything she's ever wanted.  


There's a part that is just freaking the f*ck out.  


And the truth is that often what we say we want, we're not able to receive, we're not able to accept, and firstly, because we're not giving it to ourselves.


And so that's been my journey up to this point of being able to give it to myself, so that I could actually attract it to me.  


And then secondly, feeling safe within it.  


So the way our mind works, I've talked about this quite often.  


So I'm gonna talk about it again, from this point of view, because you probably get it a little bit more now even I mean, maybe you totally understand it, but maybe you don't, the way our mind works and our unconscious mind works.  


And the way unconscious is formed from you know, when we're in that formative years, the unconscious mind before the conscious minds even created, and it's basically trying to work out how to stay safe, trying to work out how to behave, what to say.  


How to, you know, beliefs that have been formed about ourselves, that makes sense.  


So basically, when our caretakers, our primary caretakers, are being total d*cks and not giving us the attention, the affection, the emotional, you know, love that we need,  


I mean, maybe they're showing up in that they're providing what we need to survive.  


They're giving us a roof over our heads, they're giving us food, they're giving a shelter, they're giving us warmth, they're giving us clothings, but they're not emotionally available for us.  


Or maybe they are but then just things happen where, oh, wait, there's this discord.


And maybe they're in a bad mood or something bad's happening at work, and then they take that out and act it out on us.  


And don't then make amends like, don't then explain that it wasn't us it was the issue, it was them.  


And what happens is that we form these beliefs about ourselves, not being lovable, not being worthy, you know, and, and more than that, we create this container of how to stay safe within this environment.  


So we know how to stay safe in what we were in when we were children.  


So if we weren't given affection, if we weren't given love, if we weren't given all these things that we now want, but we learned to stay safe in an environment where they weren't existing.  


And you know, a lot of us have abandonment wounds.  


A lot of us have rejection wounds.  


A lot of us feel like we have to be perfect to be loved.  


And so when you have someone showing up who's loving you, for who you are, who thinks every single f*cking part of you is amazing, and yet unconsciously you believe that you have to be a certain way to be loved or that you can't have everything that you want.  


Or basically, it's not safe to have this thing because you've never heard before.  


And that's what happens.  


The unconscious knows how to stay safe over here in, you know, not being loved unconditionally,  


and not being accepted fully.  


And while the conscious mind wants what's over here, wants to be loved fully, it wants to be unconditionally loved, it wants to be accepted, it wants to be specially, wants to be important, the conscious mind knows that that would be amazing.  


The unconscious mind doesn't know that it's safe.  


And so when this thing that we say that we want, we consciously want shows up, sometimes the unconscious mind sees it as danger.  


And then it starts coming up with stories, it starts coming up with reasons, it starts coming up with discomfort in our body.  


And some people go oh, my gut feeling, I just knew that they weren't for me, all these things start to come up and very logical and very reasonable.  


And they cause us to create separation from this thing.  


And to retreat back to the comfort zone of what we know.  


And so for me, I know loneliness so well, even though it's painful, I'm safe within it. I'm comfortable with it, because I spent a lot of my childhood being lonely.  


I know, being loved conditionally very well.  


I know.  


Having to always put in effort to be loved...  


I know...  


Yeah, having to,  


I know having to...  


always be the one.  


Yeah, always be the one that's sacrificing, always be the one that's compromising.  


I know, I know that very well.  


And whether or not that was true that I had to do that.  


That's immaterial to my mind.  


That's how my mind decided, that's how my mind realized it could stay safe.  


And these are all stories, right?  


These all stories were made up when we were little children about factor or things that were happening.  


And then we perceived those factor of things in such a way, then we created safety within it.  


And the stories that surrounded the illusions and the ego that's created from that space.  


So I'm not saying I had to do those things.  


I'm saying I did those things, my mind created those things in such a way.  


So there's this, if you've ever been like a yo-yo dieter, or you know, when you're going for something, you're going for, it's so hard, you want to lose that weight, you want to you know, save that money for that goal, you want to do this thing.  


And then the closer you get to it, the less important it becomes.  


And then all of a sudden, like a month later, you're like, oh my god, I was actually at my goal weight.  


And now I've put 10 kilos on again.  


How did that happen?  


Or like, Whoa, I actually had saved up all that money for that thing I said that, you know, that thing that I was going to, that house deposit, and then I spent it on a car.


Why did I do that?


And the truth is that when we're going for something that we want, which is outside of our comfort zone, or our nervous systems window of tolerance of what it knows it's safe in, then we will self sabotage ourselves.  


Unless we're very aware of what's going on, we will destroy it.  


And we will retreat back to the zone, the comfort zone of what we know.  


And we're not happy there.  


But the unconscious mind doesn't care about happiness, it just cares about safety.  


So it will keep us in this container that it's created of safety rather than risk not being safe and something that we say that we want.  


And so here I am. Hmm this man I've been eyeing off for like over a year like thinking I tried to be was and then you know over the course of a year of basically at a cafe.  


Seeing him not every day but quite often during a week and then I got to the point where you know, we started to say hi and then like a little bit of chitchat and now here I am seeing a lot of him and getting everything that I said I ever wanted.  


And then my unconscious does not think it's safe.  


So luckily, I'm aware enough to realize what's going on and I'm able to sit with it.  


But man, it has been a bumpy ride.  


And I've been having physiological symptoms of discomfort of like of not being set what I recognize my body when it comes up needing to be processed and not being safe.  


It's been coming up in my body.  


I've been getting the urge to eat, I've been unable to concentrate,  


and here I am in this beautiful, wonderful thing.  


And at the same time, I'm just totally discombobulated.  


And when I'm with this person, I'm able to be fully present, and I'm able to enjoy it.  


And I know that when I'm with them, I do enjoy it.  


And it's easy, and it's comfortable.  


And it's fun.  


And it's beautiful.  


And it's giving.  


And there's so much. I mean, there's so much room there for the depth of the connection to continue growing, because we're only just getting to know each other.  


And so much room there for us to grow together.  


And at the same time, there's a part of me looking for reasons not to do it.  


And this morning, I was out walking.  


And I was working with my unconscious to dig into it, knowing what the fuck was going on, right?  


And what came up with the words,  


"or maybe we should just hold up for something better to come along."  


And I'm like, oh, that's interesting.  


Something better to come along.  


What would better than this look like?  


And of course, there was no answer, right?  


It was just this thing that it was like throwing at me like in almost in this panic, trying to get me to buy into this story of oh, maybe we should just stay single and something case something better comes along.  


We don't want to tie ourselves up for something better comes along.  


Meanwhile, I'm getting given everything I ever wanted.  


And so I was like, okay, so what does better look like?  


And there's like zero answer, right?  


Because there is...  


It's not like, it isn't.  


It's not there. Right?  


And interesting.  


Then I'm like, Oh, wow.  


So a few months ago, I was in something where I was allowing myself. I mean, even though on one hand, it was beautiful.  


Like when we were together, and he was showing up and everything, but then the background, there was this ex girlfriend thing that was lurking.  


And I was being like the understanding one, the allowing, and oh, he needs to choose me and make decisions.  


It's just bullsh*t, right?  


I was allowing myself to be a second option, because that's what I was used to.  


And I was willing to stay in it.  


Even though he wasn't like 100% energetically engaged in me.  


And he hadn't fully chosen me.  


I wasn't looking for reasons to leave.  


I wasn't looking for reasons or why I should stay single, because something better may come along.  


I was trying to like, you know, make all these reasons for why I shouldn't leave like, you know, oh no, it's just him doing this and him doing that I should be understanding and blah, blah, blah.  


And now here I am on the flip side with something where there is nothing and, and this part of my brain wants me to run, not just create something and then stay in it, but run, because it's no, there's no problem there, right?  


There's nothing it can hang on to where this isn't perfect, therefore we can have it.  


You know, it's like we're just, it's like, it can only have something that's partly broken.  


It can't have the perfect thing.  


It can't have a good thing.  


It can't be fully loved because it's never had that before, it can't be unconditionally loved because I've never had that before.  


And some interesting things that have been really happening for me within this.  


You know, there's a saying in the tantric world that my beautiful mentor Chantal Raven, I heard from her first so whether or not she came up with this or she's got it from somewhere else...  


I think she's quoting it though.  


"When love is present, everything that is not love will come up to be healed."  


And this is happening, right?  


Coming up to be healed as a part of me that that wants to create the separation.  


But something else really interesting that's been happening as well, this man has been holding me. I've felt energy shifting in my body and starting to release, it has led to me having full blown trauma release.  


So basically where my body is just shaking, uncontrollably, may not may not doing it.  


Sometimes it's emotion attached.  


Sometimes it's not sometimes it's just energy releasing from my body.  


Because I'm being held in such a loving presence.  


That everything that's not love is coming up to be healed.  


And all those moments in time where I wasn't loved unconditionally, or there's moments in time where I didn't feel 100% safe.  


Or there's moments of time where I just allowed and accepted less than what I truly wanted.  


You know, all those years where I made it, okay, that I wasn't celebrated on any moment.  


You know, my birthday was forgotten or it was just like a byproduct or it was like, too hard or you know, I was sick, and it was never like I was never taken care of, you know, I quit dentistry and now I'm not of interest or, you know, there's nothing about me to be proud of, you know, all these moments in time where I made it, okay, and I pretended that you know, to understand from the other person's point of view, when in reality, it wasn't okay.  


And it was me just swallowing down what I wanted to say, what I should have said, allowing the emotions to come through and instead storing them in my body, and now they're starting to release because I'm being held in such a presence.  


So that's the first interesting thing that's happening.  


Now, I'll wake up in the middle of the night.  


And you know, and another interesting thing is this person that I'm seeing at the moment is not in the healing space, knowing the tantric space, yet is open to exploring these things with me.  


But is able to hold space for me in a way that is not judgmental.  


And the first night, I went into trauma release with them, they woke up because of the convulsing in the bed, next to them, and said, what's going on?  


And I just said, this is gonna sound really weird, but I'm just trauma releasing.  


And all they said was, what do you need me to do?  


To have no idea what that was?  


Well, he had no idea what it was, but he just said, what do you need me to do?  


He's a man of action.  


And he's very good in a crisis, I can't say much about him.  


And he doesn't...  


He startered listening to my podcast, so hey, babe, if you're listening to this...  


and I was super impressed and when it finished, he just pulled me in and held me tight, and we went back to sleep.  


There was no 20 questions, there was no this is so weird, you know?  


It was just accepting of who I was.  


So there was this morning working into this for what would be better than this.  


And I got no answer.  


So I sat with it.  


Okay, so what's under this, what's under it?  


There's always something under it until we get to the court.  


Why is my brain throwing this oh, we should wait for something better than this out,


when when I look at this thing, there's nothing lacking, there's nothing that I don't want there.  


And in fact, everything I want to do is there.  


So what's really going on here?  


What is my brain really trying to do?  


And I went for a walk and I allowed what was in my body to be there and allowed expression.  


Yep, once again, I was like crazy woman.  


crying, wasn't sobbing loudly this time, just like sneaky little tears coming out from underneath my sunglasses.  


And finally, the lid lifted off and what I found there was fear.


So much fear surrounding potential pain of loss


And not knowing if I would survive losing this thing.  


Like if I allowed myself to receive this 100% unconditional love which is what it appears to be at the moment, of someone just thinking that every single part of me is amazing you know, not just not just my external but my internal and finding me interesting and prioritizing the making me important going out of their way for me, effort you know, and there is no effort.  


If I allowed myself to receive this and to give back, to how much pain would there be to lose it?  


Will I survive it?


I mean, ultimately, yes, I know I would survive it.  


But it's that I've said it before we can only allow so much pleasure, so much happiness as the window of how much pain we can hold.


Now luckily, I know I can hold a lot of pain because I've been there, I've done it.  


And that's probably what's been holding me together and in being able to sit with this discomfort and not be hijacked by it, not allow it to make decisions, not making decisions through it.  


Because when the majority of time when this stuff comes up in us, we don't even know that we're responding to it.  


We're just like we're going off the body sensation and we're backing away from the thing that's making us feel uncomfortable, not realizing that it's often not that thing that's the problem but the unconscious belief system of the four year old or the three year old, the baby or our are we when we created this container we live in.


But it's them, it's their program that's creating this lack of safety in our body in this thing, even though there is no lack of safety.  


And so if I didn't know that if I would, and I didn't know I was able to hold this pain, then I probably would have bolted, I'm going to come up with all these reasons for why it wouldn't have worked.  


And in the lead up to this, what I was observing in myself was fear of creating pain for this person.  


Of, of being the one that ran away, all the while in my questioning, well, why would I run away want to run away from this, and ultimately, it's the pain for me.  


So I was using the excuse of creating pain in him as a reason, to not go into this, even though it wasn't acting on it, right, it was there, and it was there.  


was aware of it being there, when the truth is that I was scared of how much pain I might be in if I lost this thing, if I allowed it into my heart fully, and embraced it with every single cell of my being. And I lost it.  


Whether it be...  


I mean, I truly don't believe that this person is going to want to break up with me.  


But you know, there's other ways you can lose this stuff, right?


So once I was able to, you know, identify that fear and the pain, then I was able to be with it, and allow and allow the expression that comes from the fear of that pain and actually allow some of the pain, even though it's not going to happen, hopefully, to let it be there, and to let it express through me till it's gone.  


And then tonight, I was in the kitchen.  


And I was thinking my way through this stuff.  


And I was thinking, about how different it feels, how different I feel within this relationship.  


And how I think for the first time in my life, I actually feel like a woman and not a girl.  


And how this is making me grow up, this being able to accept being treated like a woman, being able to be in my feminine.  


Being able to be my goddess, it's leveling me up, I'm growing up.  


I don't have any excuses to play anymore, because this person is not giving me any outs.  


By treating me the way they're treating me, I have to step up and be the person worthy of being treated like that.  


And that's, that's big, you know, because when I look back on my marriage and relationships since then, when they were treating me like sometimes, you know, doing shitty things, then that gave me an out to also not be acting always in the highest self.  


But when you're being met with you know, integrity and honor and you choose to accept it, then you've got to step up to that mark and be it as well.  


And I like this person, I am when I'm with this person.  


I like how calm I am.  


I like accepting I am, like how receptive I am.  


But I also like her for the first time in my life, I'm speaking out.


I haven't had to a lot or much but I know that I can I can speak out if there's something that's not quite the way I like it.  


But I'm doing, I can do it in such a way where it's done with love and grace and not attacking.  


And I remember that movie, This Means War, with Reese Witherspoon.  


I love that movie so much.  


And at the end, her best friend says to her, look, don't choose the guy, don't choose the best guy for you. Choose the guy who makes you the best version of you.  


And that came to me tonight when I was in the kitchen observing how grown up I feel within this and how I am able to accept when I'm with them and I am able to give when I'm with them and I am able to create this the way I want it to be.  


Consciously create this relationship in a way that I've never had before and that they've never had before but that I know about because of the tantra training, I've done.  


A conscious, connected relationship.  


And to keep working at this with this person, and to not expect them to be there yet, and not be impatient with myself all with them.  


And to not want to coach them, or want to mentor them and want to heal them, like I always have in past thing, but just to allow them to be them, to ask for what I want.  


And if they want to give it to me great.  


And if not, it's a discussion.  


And at the moment, I'm asking for what I want, and I'm being met with such a beautiful presence, and a willingness and a generosity.  


That it is truly beautiful.  


Anyway, that's where I'm at.  


So I hope that you've gotten something out of this, but just I guess, the self observation within things and digging deeper and questioning what's really going on here?  


Am I staying in something that I shouldn't be?  


Because it feels safe?  


Am I moving away from something I shouldn't move away from because it doesn't feel safe. \


You know, sometimes we stay in stuff, because I may have got that the wrong way around, I do apologize.  


It's like we stay in stuff that's not good for us or not 100% of what we want, because it feels safe. Because that's all we've known.  


And we know how to we know how to exist in there.  


We know how to behave in there.  


We know how to say stuff.  


We know how to manipulate and get what we want, in certain circumstances because of how we learned to manipulate when we were children and young adults to get what we want.  


And then often we're moving away from something because we're getting too much adoration, too much love.  


We can't, we can't accept it.  


We can't believe that we're worthy of it.  


We can't, you know, unless we are giving it to ourselves and have worked through all of the you know, a lot of the woundings that have been created by moments in time when we weren't worthy, and we weren't allowed and we weren't unconditionally loved, then it's hard to hold that, it's hard to have that.


So the observation of self within these moments of am I staying in something I shouldn't? Because that's my safety zone.  


Am I leaving something I should stay in?  


Because it's not my safety zone?  


That's good questions to ask yourself, right there.  


Is this giving me everything that I want?  


Or are they really gaping bleeds, they're things that I would love but I'm staying in this because maybe something's better than nothing.  


Or maybe the way I'm being treated is the way I'm used to and it's all I think I'm worth.


And until we know our worth, and until we're able to love ourselves until we're unable to give ourselves what we need, you know, it's hard to accept that from somebody else.  


Which says to me, I really need within this if I'm seeing all this stuff coming up within myself that I need to really also ramp up the self love for myself.  


So that I can keep allowing this love from this other person.  


And I can keep giving it to them as well.  


And then there's the window of tolerance and nervous system.  


That's the window of tolerance is what our nervous system is regulated within, what it feels safe within. And that's that window of tolerance.  


It's like the container we create that we feel safe in and sometimes our window of tolerance is us being treated pretty shitty.  


Us not being important.  


Because that's all we've known.  


And when that's all you know, when somebody else comes in and treats you really really well, the unconscious mind like this, like warning, warning move away from this, we don't know how to be with this.  


And it's like what are they really after?  


What are they really want because we're not worthy of being treated like that.  


Therefore, there must be something else going on here.  


Or it's like, are they just too nice.


Or you're it's like they're being attracted to the bad boy right?  


The one who doesn't give us any attention over being with a nice guy who does.  


Interestingly enough, this person I was initially attracted to because the bad boy vibe.  


And it turns out that he's able to then give me everything that I wanted.  


And you know, and I put this down to many, many years of working on myself to get myself to the point of my vibrational energy of attracting this into myself, you know, but there's always lessons within lessons, right?  


So there's always even within everything, self observation and watching. And there's always choice.  


So the choice for me within this is to not fall into a rut of complacency.  


Because when stuff feels easy, that's easy to do.  


But to keep pushing for what I want, which is a conscious relationship, beyond what the average person has.  


Like I don't want to just hang out together because we're bored or because that's what we do.  


I want the time together to be meaningful.  


And to create a really deep connected relationship based on trust and integrity, and vulnerability.  


All right, now that is enough for me.  


So I will update you with where I'm at.  


Just talking about it has definitely helped.  


And as I said, choose the man who makes you the better woman.  


And I like this me.  


I like this version of me.  


Anyway, I hope you're having an amazing week and I will see you next time