𝗟𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 - Sharing My Story As I Heal My Soul, Surrender into My Feminine Power, and Learn to Live Through Heart

Episode #45 - Maybe He'll Love Me If...

Episode Summary

In this week's episode of the Living Through Heart Podcast I share with you a process I just went through, where I identified mind fog and pain and deep-dived in to find what was really going on. I was surprised by what I found...

Episode Notes

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Episode Transcription

Hi, I'm Donna Joy Usher from Living Through Heart.

Today, I want to talk about a process I just went through.

So I must admit, I hadn't planned on recording anything today

actually sat down on my computer to do my Tantra homework, which is due, and I couldn't do it.

I was reading my notes.

And it's material that I know really well.

We're working on the unconscious mind this month.

And even though it's mature, I know really well.

I just couldn't get myself to concentrate or to even I couldn't even fathom what the question was that there was asking, which is actually quite a simple concept.

And I had to admit to myself that there was some shit that I had to go deal with first before I was going to be able to concentrate.

And I knew it was there.

Because I also had sensations in my body up the last sort of week, I felt like I'd have something on my back, like riding me.

And I've been getting neck massages and deep heat and stuff like that, and my neck and my splint at night to bed and doing all this stuff, just looking for the actual physical reasons for it.

And when none of that is working, I had to actually sit and say, well, maybe it's not just physical, maybe there actually is some sort of emotional energetic reason for this sensation in my body at the moment,

sort of writing me into the ground.

And I'm not surprised because tomorrow I'm actually off to a retreat with the beautiful Shannon Vallance, who is one of my amazing mentors here in Perth.

And we are doing the dark goddess, the Dark Mother Kali Ma retreat.

And for those of you who don't know, Kali Ma is one of...

an amazing kickass Hindu goddess.

And basically, she slashes the ego, which for me is something that I'm really working with at the moment,

my ego, obviously, not trying to get rid of my identity, but the part of me that arcs up that tries to make me be important and tries to make me be better or tries to make me be right.

And I'm just really been struggling with a little bit lately.

I've been totally transparent, honest here.

And what has been coming to me more and more is that I'm at the point now where I am moving into a state of being able to release that and moving more into humility and being in service rather than having to be the best we'll be right, which is how I've lived my whole life, right, trying to validate myself through my actions and be important that way, and therefore be lovable, and be safe, right?

So I sat down the computer, I couldn't concentrate, and I was like, oh, it's one of those things where like, I don't have time for this, but then you don't have time, not due to it, because you're not going to actually accomplish anything unless you do it.

So I took myself over to my couch, and I sat there and I moved into the sensation in my body

when I started to allow to come up and allow the feelings and just diving into the actual physiological feeling in my body, and connecting into the emotion that was attached to it.

And then diving down into that until finally I found a little girl, my little girl inside.

And she was just being very, very quiet.

Very, very still.

And what then came to me was within this moment with the words,

maybe if I stay very quiet and very still, he'll love me.

Of course, you know, that sort of quite a bit of emotion.

And I was able to see this patterning in my life of being what the masculines in my life wanted me to be rather than being me and being very quiet very still and not not being true to my voice and myself and instead making myself and who I am within my strength and stuff molded into what was right by them.

And it's this whole like, you know, maybe then I'll be lovable. And straightaway this memory came to me of what happened really recently.

You may have heard me talking about an event that happened probably about eight or nine months ago now where I went into a relationship

what wasn't really a relationship that was just kind of like a lover thing

would that's what was meant to be right.

But it quickly became more than that from their side showing me attention and oh my god, I couldn't believe it like all of a sudden I was getting all this attention all this affection and beautiful texts and everything that my inner feminine was craving, right?

And then about four weeks later, it all got taken away.

And if I'm very truthful it was kind of slipping away anyway.

It's kind of like this feeling about go down and then there'd be a little bit less or a little bit less attentiveness a little bit less this and I could feel the sadness coming in me that this like it was like the sun had come out and now the the clouds was coming over the sun right.

And basically what was happening is he was going into his avoidant and his lack of freedom and feeling fear and starting to back off way, from what was there between us.

But there was this moment where I had messaged him afterwards just to actually, you know, because I was working with this whole,

what am I allowed to want?

So just walk through this, I do apologize.

But I said at the very beginning of all of this, that I was gonna be very raw and very real in this, like, who I am and where my process is.

So I apologize if you find emotion uncomfortable, but, you know, this is where I'm at.

So yeah, I was working through this, what am I allowed to want?

What am I allowed to need, and I was working with Georgia Rose and, and I was like,

No, I was unhappy with something that had happened.

And it made me feel a certain way.

And I hadn't voiced it at the time.

And normally what would happen is after we would see each other, we will send, you know, beautiful texts about what we had liked.

And this time I was like, we know this stuff.

But hey, I just want to share something with you that I was really uncomfortable with. And then I shared what it was and why it had made me feel that way, which has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me.

And it had been a particularly beautiful encounter together. But there was this one thing, and I was like, no, you know what, I'm just going to speak up for myself.

And I'm going to say that I wasn't comfortable with this.

And within my message, I had taken full responsibility for that and had like jokingly said, I'm laughing at myself as I say this, because of this, this and this, but however I just needed you to know.

And that's how it made me feel.

And then there was like radio silence.

And we finally had a conversation about it probably about six weeks later.

So for six weeks, I was in this bubble of like, the rejection, the abandonment and all my attraction, all my, all of my fears of the anxious attacher was like triggered up and this is when I had gone into this process from this point on that I've been through in the last six, seven months, which is cool is enormous growth for me, right?

So I should be happy about that.

Well I'm happy about that, right?

Because who I am now is so much my my window of tolerance, my capacity and who I am and like being at a hold of myself is so much greater than what wasn't recognizing this part they didn't even realize was there, right?

I thought I was a strong independent woman that really had this massive like triggering fear of rejection, abandonment, and this got triggered up.

And it was like six weeks of utter hell of sitting in this pain of the radio silence and not doing what I wanted to do, which was claw it back and go after it.

And instead sitting with it and processing.

And every day, I felt like I was just holding myself together through this.

And the pain, the physiological pain in my body.

And I would hold myself together until I had to just like every afternoon I was going up to bed and either sleeping through it to have a rest or going into process.

And going back and tracing back childhood memories, you know, ex boyfriends, stuff with my ex husband, you know, all this stuff, just going back into all these times over and over and again, where I had been rejected and abandoned and been...

Sorry.

Anyway.

So when we finally had this conversation, what came out of it was that this message that I had sent, wow, I heard like being open and honest with how I had felt about something that had happened.

And was just a silly little thing, you know.

And he had turned it around and made it a personal attack on himself.

And he said this thing, and I was like, well stop, wait, that's not what I said.

And that's not what I meant.

This is what I meant.

And it was just me expressing something that had made me feel uncomfortable, and it wasn't an attack on you and your person.

And then and I said this right, and then straightaway he looped back into it and made this mean something about him again, he kept going I'm gonna stop.

Stop making this mean something about you.

It's not and I heard this quote once when someone said, when I tell you how I feel,

that shouldn't be the start of an argument.

If I'm being open and honest with you about how I feel, then this is for you to hold space for me and for me to be able to talk about something of how I feel.

And if you do not make it mean something about yourself and this is the thing in the world.

We're always running around making everything means something about us.

You know, when they said this, did it mean this?

Were they thinking that about blah, blah, blah?

You know what?

We can never work out what somebody else is thinking.

All we can worry about is what we're thinking.

But he used this thing as like it's the final straw.

The you, know the ice, this is the deal breaker.

And, and what I, when I went into this thing today that was still there and it was this, like,

if I hadn't have said there's a part of me that was like if I hadn't said that if I hadn't have messaged, maybe it would have been okay, maybe he still would have been like attentive and loving.

It's a nice, beautiful text ringing me.

Ah, well, deep down.

I mean, what I worked into with this process was downs with the sadness of that, and then not being able to voice this silly little thing, right?

That then he's turned into this big fcking drama about himself and what I thought about him, which was not there at all.

And I went back and read my message later. And there's no, this was not in there.

It was not a personal attack, it was actually a laughing thing about myself and trying to explain how I was thinking in that moment and why, right?

But he had taken us around, right, and there was this part of me that was like, if I hadn't said this, maybe, maybe I'd still have this like, like, the sun would still be there.

And the clouds wouldn't.

But in reality, he has just used as an excuse to like,

Oh, I'm not safe, we're gone, right out the door.

And nothing that I could have said or done, or didn't say, I didn't want to stop that from happening, because that was him starting to feel threatened emotionally with feelings and leaving, right?

But it made me realize this part of me feels like she can't be herself.

And that when she is she's not going to ever be able to be lovable.

And that made me really sad.

And I worked down through that sadness, or go to the fcking anger.

I mean, oh, why shouldn't I be allowed to show up in this what is who I am, and have a match in that right, which then, of course, made me realize that the reason I haven't is because I haven't been showing up in the world.

And then of course, that made me angry as well myself and earn all this tangled emotions.

That was in my body with this.

So I worked on through that. Just expressing and allowing and moving and breathing and letting go will come through and all the realizations and it's like waves coming in, and just convoluted layers that go into this, all leading back to the little girl that learned if she just stayed silent, didn't say anything, and was the good girl, that then she would get love and affection.

And that if she did something that wasn't right, or that was disappointing, then it was withdrawn.

And the realization of oh how that is still driving my life is so frustrating.

But being able to observe and realize that is allowing me to start to break the pattern, right start to remove this energy out of my, my body.

So I'm not attracting that same person in that is going to keep me reliving this over and over again.

And instead, for me to be able to come out and be who I am and say what I think and to be secure within that, because I'm not needing somebody else to make me safe, right?

Because the other thing that's been coming up the last few days was just this utter desire just to have somebody like, just hold me and make everything okay.

And I've never had that, you know,

I was always the one that was running around doing everything and handling the finances, and blah, blah, blah, and this and that.

And I was always the one that like, if somebody had to hop up in the middle of the night and go to do something because it never got done, I was always the one, that's fine, I'll do it.

I was always the one that had to do it right.

And I just wanted somebody to take that burden off me,

just to know that somebody had me.

But the reality is that we can only always have ourselves and then maybe one day, once I am able to have myself and able to hold myself in this, that maybe then when I will attract in will also be able to hold me and have me in that.

Because I'll be able to be more vulnerable.

And I won't have to also then be the strong one.

And I won't also have to be then the one who is like doing everything in a way of staying safe as well.

And the control that that brings,

I'll be able to be more vulnerable.

And then the person that I can be with can maybe step in and hold me in that because it's just this like dance between wanting it desperately and then not allowing it,

not being allowed to have it and not being safe to have it because if I have someone doing that for me, then what does that mean?

What do I bring to the table?

If I'm not the one that's doing everything?

And if I'm not needed?

Then why would they even want me there?

So there's a few elements in that.

There's that one of the little girl that wants to just if she doesn't say anything, if he doesn't show up if she's just really really quiet, and she doesn't actually voice anything that's going to make them think anything bad about her then, you know maybe she can stay and maybe she can have love and affection and then there's the part that then Is needs to be needed needs to be necessary needs to be doing everything to be kept,

almost like I'm useful, I get kept around because I'm useful.

And that if I allowed them to take that over, and then I'm not useful anymore, well, then why would they want me around?

Anyway, that's where I'm at.

So I just thought I'd share that with you.

And that whole, like, maybe you can start to look into if you have your own.

If I do this, then maybe they'll love me, maybe they'll still love me.

And maybe you are also suppressing parts of yourself and not allowing parts of yourself in the bid to be lovable and loved.

And maybe that part of you wants to come out, maybe that part of you doesn't want to be suppressed anymore.

And, you know, the journey into wholeness is not a becoming whole. But of recognizing that we are whole and allowing all those parts of us that we've suppressed because they're the parts of us that we learned are not safe to be like, for instance, the part of me that's might say something that is maybe someone else doesn't believe in or doesn't agree with, and then she's not safe, right?

There's a really other part of me that's allowed to be vulnerable, and I got hurt.

I mean, it's allowed to be really feminine and flirty.

Yeah, she's not allowed.

Oh, she's in the shadow, that's for sure.

So there's parts of me that I know, I don't feel safe having.

And I'm sure there's a lot more parts of me that I've relegated to the shadow as well.

That totally unaware of that ever in my blind spot.

So you know, the journey to becoming whole is not in becoming better, or becoming more holy, or becoming righteous or becoming, you know, Zen and so that we, we only like alarm, you only think positive thoughts, right is actually to embracing all of who we are. And recognizing our wholeness and letting those parts come back in.

When we relegate parts to the shadow, then there is parts that there is like, energy there that needs to be resolved to bring them back in.

Because what happens is when we relegate past the shadow, than the way that they are seen, as they come through us, it's like a little like jabs, like, you know, I don't know, if you've ever felt yourself being mean. Or catty, or judge, judgmental, and the, where's that come from?

Right, that's the part that's in the shadow that's voicing through.

And when we actually accept them back in, we don't become mean or judgmental.

When we actually allow this part of us that wasn't allowed, and it's been put in there and we move through it, and we accept them and love them, then they can come back into the hole without these,

the part the way they have to show up, which is through us as like this judgmental, this snarky or this mean, or this, you know, bitchy or needy, or whatever it is, however it is, it comes in, right?

When we're able to just accept the wholeness of who we are, and like be real with, with us, it's like, a whole of feeling, I'm not saying I'm there, but I can feel more whole, in that.

We're just real.

We don't have to be all like white light, and good all the time.

And right, and like, you know, humble all the time, and like just doing stuff for other people all the time.

And I need the same kind of things all the time, I'm doing me wrong. And we obviously want to be kind, and we want to be loving, we want to just be that because we are that not because we're trying to prove something not because we're trying to be something.

And that's the difference.

Like when when you're able to accept the parts of yourself and live from that place of inside, rather than trying to show up in the world in a particular way.

Because of what we think that means about ourselves, and maybe, you know, trying to get to heaven or trying to be the best possible person we can be or because we think that all this stuff is wrong, then really what we're doing is suppressing parts of it.

And when you try and suppress parts, you it's a little bit like holding a beach ball under the water, you can only hold it down for so long from pops up and smacks you in the face. Right?

Kind of what happened to me this morning, I got smacked in the face. But this part of me that I have been suppressing, which is the part that wants to be vulnerable, and that it has to be very, very quiet.

Otherwise she's not lovable.

Anyway, I am sure that that process is not finished.

But just kind of like a bits been moved a bit.

It's been shifting, because I'm definitely feeling a lot more able and I might be able in my cognitive thought process.

I was kind of like a little bit of brain fog from it.

And I will keep you up to date with how that goes.

And this weekend, you know, as I said, I'm going to this Kali Ma retreat.

I think it's going to be massive.

A lot of stuff is brewing within ready to come up.

And that is the interesting thing you know about doing the work is that the work starts when you decide to do the work. And when you know something's coming you're unconscious will start to bring up what it's almost like it starts house cleaning, you know, when you know, oh, the council's coming in, they're going to do like, they're going to take away old furniture or old televisions or whatever.

And then all of a sudden we go through the house and we start finding the things that we don't need anymore. And we take them up front, we leave them on the curb, right?

Went up to that point, though, we're just kind of holding up our house.

So our minds like that our conscious mind is like, it doesn't actually want to stay in these.

These energetic knots, like almost crippled, right.

It's like what, it's what it had to do to stay safe.

And we were a child that's like the some samsaras, these like energetic knots that are in essence, it wants to resolve them, it wants to relieve them, and it will keep attracting tourists.

What it is that is the polarity match for these energetic issues within us until we can resolve them and let them go. And they kind of just disappear.

So when it knows that something's coming, like for instance, I know I've got this retreat this weekend, which is going to leave this flashing your ego.

It goes all when it starts to go through and starts to clear stuff out and bring it up to like,

Hey, this is what needs to be taken.

I did like an interesting process with the client this weekend.

While this during this week was the week before I had a talk to him about bypass, spiritual bypass about always being Zen and you know, because you can never tap into anger, I just don't feel that.

And I said, you know, I called him on it, right.

And then this week, he was angry and frustrated when he actually showed up that the call and like it was there in his body and he couldn't shift and he didn't know what was going on.

And we were able to go into and start to integrate this part of him that wasn't allowed to be angry.

So it was a really interesting process.

And for me, something that's really interesting at the moment is that most of my clients are actually men, you know, I've been working with women, and then all of a sudden, I ended up working with all these men.

And it's been a beautiful process for me, because what I'm beginning to realize is that often beginning what I'm realizing they're just as confused.

You know, they're just as they've got just as many belief issues and hang ups and I used to think that they were like almighty and like I had this like creeping around thing with men.

And now I'm realizing, hey, they're just as confused as the women are in the world.

They've got just as many issues as we have.

They need as much help as we do.

And while I talk about things is like, you know, maybe he'll love me if...

which is the name of this, what I'm creating at the moment,

it's like, oh, you know, maybe she'll love me if, you know, the guys are doing it as well.

So if you're thinking that the guys have got it all together, and it's the whole, like patriarchy, and blah, blah, blah, no, they don't, a lot of them are just like just as confused and victims of the patriarchy as we are and they're not allowed to feel their emotions.

They're not allowed to be, you know, weak or, you know, cry or this and they're just as confused.

Anyway, I think that's enough for this and I hope that you got something out of it. And I will see you next time.