You've probably heard the saying Assuming makes an ass out of you and me, but it actually goes a lot deeper than that. In reality, when we assume things we give our power away. Listen to this 48th episode of The Living Through Heart podcast for my take on how assuming things, and allowing assumptions creates disharmony and dissatisfaction in our lives.
You've probably heard the saying Assuming makes an ass out of you and me, but it actually goes a lot deeper than that. In reality, when we assume things we give our power away. Listen to this 48th episode of The Living Through Heart podcast for my take on how assuming things, and allowing assumptions creates disharmony and dissatisfaction in our lives.
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Hello, I'm Donna Joy Usher from Living through Heart, and welcome to this 48th episode of my podcast.
Hello, It's Donna Joy Usher from Living through Heart,
and I want to talk about assumptions because it's something that keeps coming up.
And I find this really interesting...
In fact, this was one of my girlfriends pointed this out that we seem to go into resonance,
like my girlfriends and I seem to be going through and exploring and discovering the same things at the same time, the same concepts at the same time independently.
And then we come together and we have conversations and we're like, oh my God, I've been going through that as well, or I've been hearing that as well.
And something that's come up for me over the last few weeks from two of my girlfriend's, but also realizations that I've been having within myself is actually assumptions and the power of assumptions, but a negative way in our life.
And I mean, you've probably all heard the, you know, assuming makes an ass out of you and me right,
that's,
that's,
I've been doing that since I was very young child.
But then I really go into the Why
Why does it make an ass out of you and me?
Okay, so I want to cover that today.
So I want to just put out there right now that assumption is really us giving our power away.
And assumptions work in a few ways.
So we make assumptions,
and we have assumptions created about us.
And then sometimes we allow those assumptions.
And we realized that there's something there.
So I'm going to talk about assumptions from those two angles, one us making assumptions and two, assumptions being made about us.
And then I'm also going to talk about the difference with negative and positive assumptions and how it impacts our life.
So when an assumption is made,
so somebody assume something.
So let's say you assume something about somebody else,
there's an expectation that is immediately set up.
And it's this unspoken expectation, because we've made an assumption.
And then what ultimately normally happens from that is our expectation is not met, because this other person is not a mind reader, they don't know our assumption, they don't understand that we have an expectation of them.
Now, because of something that we've made up in our mind, right,
we've come to this assumption,
we've made this expectation.
In our head, it's a done deal.
And then when we don't get what we're expecting, and what we assumed, then resentment is created.
And then we act that out.
This happens a lot in relationship.
And it happens in relationships with everybody,
with our partners, with our friends with our family, we're expecting something we're assuming something, we're expecting something, we don't get it, we get resentful.
And then we act it out in immature ways with passive aggressiveness,
with redrawing attention, and affection, and emotion,
you know, saying petty comments, things like that.
So let me give you an example of this.
Might be with a friend, right or family member, or even, you know, partner, I guess you lend somebody money.
And then there's this assumption that you make that they're going to go out of their way and do everything in their power to give you back that money as quickly as possible, and that they're going to be not doing anything else until that money is repaid.
So you make this assumption,
so then the expectation is that they're going to pay you back as quickly as possible.
But they don't.
And instead, you see them with new pair of shoes, or you see them, you know, going out with friends or you see them organising holidays, and then the money is not coming back.
And then you start to resent them.
But what happened?
They asked you for money, you lent them money, and then you never had a conversation surrounding it.
So assumption is really a lack of conversation, right?
You're assuming something and then you're getting something,
you're getting a good feeling out of that assumption, right?
And it can be a negative assumption.
So you can assume something negative about somebody.
And then the expectation is that they're going to treat you badly or they're not going to show up for you or whatever.
And then straight away you jump to resentment.
That's a fast one, right?
You make a negative assumption about somebody you normally pretty quickly get to resent because you're assuming that they're going to treat you in a certain way.
You're assuming they're not going to be there for you, you're assuming they're not going to show up.
And then you get threat to resentment.
And we've created this situation, and we've given our power away.
So just take a moment to think about that, reflect about in your own life, where you're making assumptions about other people that aren't being met, and then how you're getting resentful and just start to see how it's actually not fair of us to do this to people.
It's not fair on them, it's also not fair on ourselves, because we're not showing up for ourselves.
And I'm gonna get into that a little bit more.
So I've looked at that now, from the point of view of assumptions when we're making assumptions about people or assuming,
okay, so for instance, our partner, we might assume our anniversary, our first anniversary is coming up.
And we might assume that they're going to make a big deal about surprises with flowers, or buy us perfume, or will take us out to dinner, or whatever it is, whatever you like, right?
Maybe organize a date.
And so we're assuming that.
Meanwhile, they don't even remember that it's our anniversary, they don't realize how important this is to us.
Therefore, our expectation is not met straightaway, there's resentment, anger, frustration.
And then we act that out, pick a fight with them, or do the silent treatment, or however it is that we go into when we go into our immature way of dealing with confrontation.
We don't have the confrontation, we don't have the conversation.
Instead, we punish that person.
And then our assumption is that they're going to know why we're acting this way. Right?
That they're going to then say, Oh, my God, that they're totally within their rights to be acting in this this way,
this passive aggressive way, this silent mode, this withdrawn way.
And then they're going to come and apologize.
And then when they don't, we get even more resentful.
So can you see how assumption is really a lack of conversation, and it's giving our power away, not getting what we want, because we're expecting someone else to give it to us through our own imaginary assumption of how something should be.
And then we don't get it, getting frustrated, resentful, and angry.
So let's look at it now when somebody else is making an assumption about us.
So this happens is somebody else makes an assumption about us, they don't share it with us, they set up an expectation.
And when we don't meet their assumption, because we didn't even know it was there, they get angry at us.
So have a feel of that from the other way.
And see how it's not pleasant when that happens to you, right.
And if you don't enjoy it being done to you, well, then the person that you're doing, it also doesn't enjoy it.
And we go through life, often assuming that we're right, about everything, because it's our opinion.
But the truth is that the other person is just as right as us within their opinion.
And sometimes we can change our opinion, and become right in a different way.
it's all about what's right for us in the moment.
That's what our right is, there is actually no right or wrong.
There's just what's right for us.
So when we start to really understand that and we start to get beyond duality, which is right, wrong, dark light.
And we live in a world of duality, right?
People's opinions, people try to force their opinion on to other people.
And that's a very masculine energy, right?
Where we're trying to make other people see something from our point of view,
Where we have to be right to feel safe, or we have to have,
we hang out with groups of people who have the same opinion as us, because it makes us feel safe, it makes us feel right, it makes us feel good about ourselves.
And that is the world of duality that we live within.
But when you start to expand beyond that, and you start to understand that the only right that there is is actually our personal right, and that everybody has a right to have their personal right, then you start to move more into non duality.
To not need to be forcing other people to agree with you to feel safe, which is really what it's all about, ultimately about safety.
Then you start to really start to expand your life, expand your happiness, expand your joy, because you're not relying on other people all the time to give you what you need to be happy.
And you're starting to take responsibility for that.
So start just ever, I mean, pause this if you want to and have a reflection in your life where you are making assumptions that aren't being met and how that resentment how you're acting that out, or how you're reacting and in reverse how it's being done to you.
Because often what happens is even when we realize that our assumption has been made about us, we don't say something.
And once again, that's us not being in our power,
or when we do realize, we lash out rather than having a healthy, calm, centered, grounded conversation.
Because all of a sudden once again, our safety has been threatened because this other person is like interfering with us and our energy and what they're thinking and what they're expecting, and may not be what we want.
But for women especially and for men, this happens in relationship, especially at the very beginning of a relationship, we allow a lot of assumptions, because we don't want that good, beautiful feeling of love darkness to go away.
And this person, who this person is thinking were amazing, right?
So when they make assumption about us, and it's not 100% true, we don't contradict them.
Because we don't want this to go away.
And this is what happens when we're in our wounding within relationship where what we're getting from this person is making us feel amazing about ourself, because we don't feel amazing about ourselves by ourselves.
And we don't live our life that way, right?
Where we just feel amazing, we don't need somebody else, we don't need to be reflecting off them to feel good about ourselves.
So then when someone comes into our life, and we start to see the reflection of how they see us, and then we start to feel good.
When they make an incorrect assumption about us, we don't correct them.
And this happens a lot in the bedroom,
the way we're touched,
you know, maybe especially,
you know, men, like things to be faster than women, often not always, but especially men who are at a certain stage of their own sexual prowess, where it's all about just gentle friction and straight to orgasm.
And then women, we feel like there's something wrong with us that we're not there.
And we're not like turned on like this.
But in reality, we just work differently.
And I'm not going to go into that in this episode, but it is something I will talk about in the future.
So when a man touches us in a certain way, and men, when women touch you in a certain way, that's not the way we like.
for instance, you know, maybe they grab and go straight for the breast.
And we're early on in a relationship.
And we're at that point where we're trying to be this sexual Goddess, and I'm so amazing, because we want to, we like the way we're seeing in their eyes.
And we don't correct this assumption that they're now making that we actually enjoyed it.
And in fact, we're adding to it.
We're adding to this assumption by not correcting it.
So now, they had an assumption.
It's become obvious to us that they have an assumption that they've, they've touched us a certain way that we're not liking but they're assuming we will like it.
And when we don't correct them within that.,
Now we firmed this up.
And now this is a belief.
It's not just an assumption.
Now they believe that we enjoyed that, because we didn't correct them.
So I mean, have a think about your relationships, how often do you let things especially in the beginning of a relationship, let things go unsaid, because you don't want that confrontation, you don't want them to not like you the way they're liking you don't want this to go away.
And you know, this foundation that we set in the beginning of our relationship is what's there at the end.
And someone said to me, when did the ending begin?
And in my, you know, my marriage, I was like, when I thought about it, I was like, oh, the ending was there at the beginning.
And it was me not being in my power, not speaking up for myself, just conforming, and try not to be high maintenance and all this stuff that I was doing when I was 24.
Because I wanted to be loved.
And I wanted to be special and I wanted to be adored.
And I wanted to be important, right?
And me not having the conversations that needed to be had that led to the assumptions that were made.
That were then like, well, this is the way the reality of the relationship.
And then I was like fixed into this thing that I didn't like, really, I was making me unhappy over the years.
And I was just enduring because it was making him happy.
But in reality, it probably wasn't right.
And at the end of the day, it was when I could no longer conform.
And I could no longer hold myself in this, enduring and I started to like, oh, speak out.
But then it's like the shock, horror, you know.
But in reality, it's how I've been feeling the whole time.
And it wasn't fair of me to not voice that at the beginning.
So what happens when we're in the beginning of a relationship, and we're allowing assumptions and making assumptions and all this stuff's going on said, really what we're creating is not real.
And we actually give away the chance to create something amazing, through good communication.
So why don't we do this?
Why don't we keep making and allowing assumptions?
Or as I said, before, assumption is really us giving away our power.
And if we're not within our personal power, then we're going to do this and we're going to allow it because we don't want confrontation.
We're avoiding confrontation.
Confrontation makes us feel uncomfortable.
We don't want to hurt people.
We don't want to disappoint them.
So we allow assumptions.
We make assumptions that allow them to get away with stuff.
And we also get pleasure from assuming things, right?
From assuming that they're going to take us on an amazing date, or that they care about this, or they like things this way, we get pleasure out of that.
And we don't want that to go away.
But it's really just fiction.
I mean, all life is fiction, right?
It's what we decide to make it be in perspective, but we can, we can create a story that that satisfies us more.
And that brings us more joy, more peace, more love, more life, right?
More freedom.
So what skills do we need to have in life to be able to avoid this assumption trap?
It's called an assumption trap.
Well, one, we need to know what we want and need.
And, you know, that was the big thing for me coming out of a 27 year relationship, I had no idea what I actually wanted to needed.
I thought I did, I thought I knew, but I didn't.
And I talked about that movie, Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere quite often, you know, she got kept running away at the altar, because she was just conforming and collapsing herself into this other person.
And she actually had no idea what she wanted or needed.
And at the end, it was her journey to go off and discover herself.
And quite often we, when we're very young, and we end up in relationships, when we have no idea what we want or need. And all we know that we want a need is for the pain to stop,
so the "I'm not worthy" to go away.
Then we conform and we collapse.
And I'm totally guilty of this,
totally guilty.
And I can actually observe myself now.
In the past, how I was when I met somebody, and how I would immediately start collapsing myself into the person who could fit into their life.
Because I just wanted to be wanted,
I wanted to be desired, I wanted to be adored, I wanted to be needed.
But who I was becoming, I mean, sure, it was somebody who could be a facet to me, but it wasn't my true self.
It wasn't me in my power wasn't me really doing what I wanted in life.
It was me just trying to get connection with somebody so that I could feel whole, rather than actually becoming whole, doing the work and becoming whole.
So we need to know what our wants and needs are.
And this can be quite a journey, when you haven't been allowed wants and needs,
You know, when you're a child, and it was like my way or the highway,
you know, when you're under my house, you know, you do what I say.
And then we come out of that and go straight into relationship with somebody who was often the same.
Because that's our patterning.
That's what we're used to.
That's what we're comfortable with.
So then we get 10,15,20 years down the path, and we finally go, ahh, is not what I want.
This is not what I need, we break out of it, and then we have no idea who we are.
And then quite quickly, people will start coming into relationship and the whole internet dating trap,
where they're just dating after dating after dating, but no one's right.
No one's perfect.
Because in reality, they don't really know what they want or need.
And so therefore, the expectations and the assumptions that they're making, it's just leading to more of the same.
So wants and needs, right, we need to know that and what we desire.
And then once we know our wants and needs, we need to be able to put boundaries in place, and do to be able to do that.
And I'll do like a whole episode just on boundaries.
But to be able to put boundaries in place, we need to be in our personal power, we need to be taking ourselves loving ourselves, loving ourselves enough to be able to be by ourself, rather than putting up with something that we don't actually want to not be by ourself.
And that's the issue that we often have, where we're so uncomfortable by ourself.
Because we're not meeting our needs,
We're not loving ourselves, we're not feeling worthy, that we need somebody else to make us feel that.
And then we lose our personal power because we can't say no, but can't have our boundaries.
And instead, we go into that immature, passive aggressive, withdrawing power, all the way the things that we do when we're not getting our way which is the whole...
if you haven't listened to them, maybe go back and watch the whole attachment style series that I did, where I talk more about that.
When we're in our immature, masculine and feminine how we act out rather than just being able to be centered in our power and just being able to say no, I'm not having that there doesn't have to be emotion behind a NO and NO is a complete sentence.
You don't have to say no.
Because of this, because of that.
When you do that, it's because you're feeling guilty about, you know, when you're trying to make the other person see it from your point of view and trying to make them get on board with you and so that you don't have to feel guilty.
Just say fucking No,
you don't want it, it's a no.
And remember that your no is more important than someone else's yes.
Because this is your life.
And this is about what you want and what you need.
And that's where boundaries come in.
Now, the beautiful thing about boundaries is that they can change, you know, what we might not feel like today can be different tomorrow, we can have flexible boundaries about some things.
And then we can have rigid boundaries about other things like this is always going to be a no, until it's not.
Sometimes what we think is a rigid boundary as we grow, and as we explore becomes a flexible boundary as well.
And recognizing the difference between boundaries and barriers, where a barrier, we think we've got a very strong boundary.
But really a barrier is like, stopping anybody from coming anywhere near us, because we're scared, because of the pain, because we're not gonna let anybody in.
So rather than being open to love, we put a barrier in place, but that's a boundary. It's not a boundary. It's a barrier people.
And that's the avoidant attachment style in place.
And a lot of men, there are some women, but tends to be more men, because of mother woundings, that they had this barrier, because they need their freedom, because they've been smothered, their energy of the mother has been there, trying to get the attention of the masculine because she's not getting what she needs from her spouse or her partner, or maybe her partner's not even there.
And mothers tend to create girls into being versions of themselves.
So we will become anxious.
And they tend to try to get the attention, the affection from the sons that they're not getting for the masculine.
And then they can be like overbearing, and over controlling, and like, you know, not letting the son have the freedom.
And so then we get into these, these guys that are highly avoidant, and they have to have these barriers in place to try and have this break out of this energy of the mother that's been on them.
And then when they get an anxious attaching partner, the same thing happens.
Like she's like, she's just wanting him to give her what she wants and needs.
And then they're, like, freaking out, right?
Fair enough.
The guys realize it's a barrier, not a boundary, and start to do the work where you're giving yourself the freedom, you're able to feel safe in a relationship, and then you'll actually start to attract a woman who's not doing this to you, because you won't be attracted to the polarity of the anxious attacher, when you can come into more secure attachment, than what you'll be attracted to is a feminine, her secure attachment, who can give you that freedom because she also wants freedom.
She's not overly anxious and needy, because she's able to give herself what she wants.
And then she can have freedom, and you can have freedom, and you can have good conversation, you can set boundaries together, and you can have a beautiful relationship.
And that is when you're conscious of what's happening.
This is what you can create.
So we need to know what we want and what we need, we need to have boundaries.
And then we need to be to have good conversation about what we want need, about what our boundaries are.
And coming from a place of personal power and not expectation, not requesting somebody do something so that you can feel safe.
That's not a boundary.
Boundaries are I'm not accepting this.
I'm not okay with this.
Not, can you please do this so that I feel better.
So a boundary is a point of, hey, I'm not going to allow you to talk to me like that.
And then the thing about it boundaries is a consequence.
So when the boundary is crossed, there's a consequence.
It's all, listen, I'm gonna go now, or I'm gonna hang up, I'm going to walk away, because I'm not allowing this.
And you know, when we are in our personal power, and not making assumptions, and having good conversations, and knowing our wants and needs, and creating boundaries, and having consequences of those boundaries, we're doing people are really big service.
Because one, we're allowing them to own their own shit, and maybe have a look at themselves. And that's their own choice, whether or not they do whether or not they don't,
and two where we're holding this higher vibration and showing what's possible, and allowing other people to come to it.
And there's people who, I mean, most of us never were, this was not what we grew up with.
So it's not our patterning, it's not our imprint.
But when we see other people doing it, we can start to flow towards that because we can see what's possible.
So, not only you're doing yourself a favor by being in your power, and by you know, creating what you want and not making assumptions, but you're doing everybody else.
And what will happen when you move into this when you move into your personal power, when you start to put boundaries in place, and you put strong ones in with consequences, those people in your life that were getting something out of you having no boundaries and just being the doormat, just doing whatever they wanted, or not be happy.
They'll kick up and then they'll either,
they'll either love you enough to back off, or they'll leave.
And either way, that's a good thing.
Because somebody who's in your life who is just there, because they're getting something out of you, an energy vampire, right?
And when you stop giving that to them, they're not going to love you anymore.
Well, sayonara.
Got rid of quite a few people in my life like that over the years.
And it's always been such a relief when that happens.
Okay, so remembering,
assumptions are really us giving our power away.
Assumptions are really a lack of good conversation.
when we make assumptions, we create expectations.
And then when they're not met, because the other person doesn't realize, then we immediately jump to resentment.
And then we start acting out.
So I hope you got something out of this, take some time to reflect on your life where you have been making assumptions, and maybe start to have conversations around these instead.
And people,
when you come to someone and have a non emotional conversation and say, Hey, listen, I realize I've been making an assumption, it hasn't been fair to you, because I've been assuming something.
And I've been expecting this.
And you didn't know about it.
And then I was getting angry when it wasn't happening.
And I want to apologize for that assumption.
But I want to have a conversation around this as well.
Because what I want, is this, what I would love is this.
And this is how it makes me feel a habit.
And is that something that's possible?
And that's good conversation, right?
What I want, this is what I want,
what that will give me,
what I have it, and how that will make me feel.
once again, it's not about them having to do anything in a way for you.
But it's just about, you know, you you're voicing this in a way that's not blaming, that's not shaming, it's taking full responsibility for yourself, that's good conversation.
And when you can do that with someone, and then just hold space for them, to think about what you've said, and to come back.
And also to have a non heated discussion, not emotional, but to be able to
allowing them,
allowing them to have their own opinion,
allowing them to have their own point of view,
allowing them to have their own reality,
because they have every damn right to have that as you do.
And we need to stop trying to make everybody else be the same as us.
And instead, appreciate everyone's differences and love them no matter what.
And if you've got people in your life who aren't giving you that freedom and that space, then maybe you don't need those people in your life anymore.
Okay, I hope you got something out of this.
Have a think about in your lives, where you're making assumptions, where you're allowing assumptions, and why you're allowing them, what are you getting out of it, because there's always an investment in allowing something, we always get something out of it.
And sometimes it's just that we feel safe because we're not having a confrontation and if we have a confrontation, and they're gonna say horrible things about us, and maybe we actually secretly think that those horrible things are true, that we don't want to hear them because we don't wanna be backed up.
And when they're not saying them, then we can assume that they're thinking something else.
Okay.
I don't know if anybody else's mind works like that.
But I'm pretty sure that we all do deep down inside.
That's the way our minds are working.
Just remember, whenever you go to have a conversation with someone, come into place from heart, not from mind, not from head, not from expectation.
Not trying to force them, but just be grounded within yourself and open to whatever they're going to say and for to be okay with whatever that is.
Alright, I will see you next time.