Hereโs your Episode Summary for Episode 67: Episode 67 โ Using Drama to Create Separation In this episode of the Living Through Heart podcast, Donna Joy Usher explores the unconscious ways we create drama in our relationships to maintain old belief systems and emotional patterns. Often, when things are flowing harmoniously, a part of us seeks to disrupt that balanceโwhether through nitpicking, withdrawing, or picking fights. But why do we do this? Donna delves into the psychology behind self-sabotage, touching on parts therapy, childhood programming, and the role of the unconscious mind in shaping our reactions. She shares a personal example of how she almost fell into an old pattern but was able to recognize and shift it before it created unnecessary conflict. By bringing awareness to these subconscious behaviors, we can break free from old cycles, deepen our connections, and create relationships based on love rather than fear. Donna also shares powerful tools to recognize when we are about to create separation and how to choose connection instead. Tune in to learn how to break free from drama loops, take responsibility for your emotional reactions, and step into more fulfilling, heart-centered relationships.
Welcome to Episode 67 of Living Through Heart! ๐ฟ
Have you ever found yourself picking fights over small things, feeling resentful out of nowhere, or creating distance in an otherwise happy relationship? You might be unknowingly using drama to create separation. This is something we all do at some pointโmyself includedโand today, Iโm breaking it all down for you.
In this episode, we explore:
โ๏ธ How we use drama to self-sabotage relationships without realizing it
โ๏ธ The subconscious beliefs & past wounds that trigger this pattern
โ๏ธ Why our nervous system sometimes rejects happiness & stability
โ๏ธ My own experience nearly falling into this trap (and what snapped me out of it)
โ๏ธ Practical steps to stop creating drama & deepen connection
This conversation is raw, real, and deeply transformative. Whether you're in a romantic relationship, a friendship, or simply on a self-growth journey, this episode will give you insights into how to break free from old patterns and create space for love, trust, and connection.
Resources & Mentions:
Hello, I'm Donna Joy Usher, and I want to welcome you to the 67th episode of the Living Through Heart podcast.
Today, I want to talk about using drama to create separation, something that we can all be guilty ofโincluding myself. I want to explore this because I had a really beautiful example come up in my own life a couple of weeks ago.
But before I dive into that, letโs talk about what I mean by โusing drama to create separation.โ You may be doing this without even realizing it. So in this episode, Iโll discuss what it might look like, how it might feel, and later, Iโll share my personal example of how I almost fell for it. I'll also give you insights into how we can stop this pattern once we recognize it.
Everything in life is going beautifully. Your relationship feels harmonious, you're getting along well, you feel happy and loved. And then suddenly, you start to feel discontent about something.
Something that wasnโt a big deal before now feels incredibly important. Maybe you start nitpicking, or perhaps you have a need that you feel isnโt being met, and resentment starts to build. Or maybe you find yourself picking fights or withdrawing into silence.
However you personally create separation, it will look different for everyone. Some people stonewall and shut down, while others nitpick or become confrontational. The key is that suddenly, this beautiful harmony is gone. You feel alone, misunderstood, angry, resentfulโand disconnected from your partner.
Later, after the emotional storm has passed, you might wonder what happened. Why did you react that way? Why did it feel so important at the time?
For me, it often starts with boredom. That boredom then shifts into discontent, and this little voice inside meโthis part of meโstarts finding reasons to feel dissatisfied. If I let it, this can spiral into frustration, leading to arguments or withdrawal. And the result? Separation.
To understand why we create separation through drama, we need to look at parts therapy and how our subconscious operates.
Dr. Richard Schwartz developed Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, which focuses on healing wounded parts of ourselves. These parts are sub-personalities that have formed through traumaโwhether hard trauma (major life events like loss or abuse) or soft trauma (emotional neglect or repeated invalidation).
These parts are often frozen in time. They formed as a way to protect us, but they also hold onto limiting beliefs that shape our perception of reality.
For example, if a child repeatedly experiences emotional neglect, they may internalize the belief: I'm not lovable. Even as an adult, this belief can shape how they interact in relationships, causing them to create separation when they feel too close to someoneโbecause closeness challenges the belief that they are unlovable.
Our conscious mind may want love, connection, and happiness. But our subconscious mind is running on an old program, written in childhood.
If we move too far away from what our subconscious believes is โsafe,โ it will try to bring us back. And sometimes, that means sabotaging the very happiness we desire.
This is why we unconsciously create drama. A part of us believes itโs keeping us safe by returning us to familiar emotional territoryโeven if that territory is painful.
Recently, I had a moment where an old part of me almost hijacked me.
When I first started dating my partner, one of the first things he told me was that he was still legally marriedโbut that he and his ex had been separated for over ten years. It was never an issue for me.
Then, 11 months into our relationship, I started feeling this energy of discontent. A part of me surfaced and latched onto the fact that he was still legally married. This part started spinning a story: What if he hasnโt divorced her because he still wants to be married to her?
Suddenly, I was considering bringing this up as an issue. I even called a friend, who validated my concerns. I was preparing to have โa good, healthy couplesโ conversationโ about it.
Then, I arrived at his house and saw two feathers sitting on the table. He had picked them up for me while walking his dogโbecause he knows I love feathers.
And just like that, I realized how ridiculous my thoughts had been. I was about to create drama over something that wasnโt actually showing up in my present reality.
He treats me with love, respect, and adoration. There had been no real-world signs that he was holding onto his past marriage. This was simply an old part of meโthe part that used to believe I was a second optionโtrying to recreate that belief.
Seeing the feathers was like a reset button. I realized that I had been about to sabotage something beautiful over a story that wasnโt real.
So, how do we stop ourselves from falling into this pattern?
Observe the Energy Shift โ Pay attention to when you start feeling discontent, resentful, or nitpicky. How does it feel in your body?
Identify the Triggering Belief โ Ask yourself, What am I making this mean about me? Most of the time, our triggers are rooted in old wounds.
Hold Yourself in Awareness โ Sit with the feelings instead of reacting. If you feel the urge to pick a fight, create distance, or act outโpause. Breathe. Recognize that this is just an old part trying to keep you safe.
Challenge the Narrative โ Ask, Is this actually showing up in my present reality? Or is this an old belief looking for validation?
Give Yourself What You Need โ Instead of seeking validation from your partner, provide it for yourself. Remind yourself that you are worthy, lovable, and enoughโwithout needing to create drama to prove it.
Using drama to create separation is an unconscious pattern that many of us fall into. But once we become aware of it, we can start to break free.
By recognizing when these old parts arise, holding ourselves in love and awareness, and choosing to stay present rather than falling into past narratives, we create space for true intimacy and connection.
I hope you found this episode insightful. If this resonated with you, let me know! And if you havenโt already, check out past episodes on attachment styles and maintaining polarity in relationships, as they tie into todayโs discussion beautifully.
Until next time, keep living through heart. ๐